RIO DE JANEIRO – U.S. swimmer Ryan Lochte departed the 2016 Summer Olympics under accurate and sustained sniper fire, U.S. swimmer Ryan Lochte reported, adding with quiet admiration that the platinum-haired athlete displayed “remarkable calm and poise” during the attack.
“I knew it would practically be a combat zone, because people in Rio are actually pretty pissed at me right now,” the aquatic heartthrob explained. “But there was this 8 year-old girl, who apparently is, like, my biggest fan, and I was like, ‘I can’t, I can’t rush by her, I’ve got to at least greet her and still be super suave and cool,’ so I greeted her.”
Lochte was boarding a plane at Galeão International Airport when an unknown marksman opened fire. The rounds harmlessly ricocheted off of the 12-time Olympic medalist’s bulletproof narrative, instead striking the craft’s fuselage and all witnesses.
“Some hater tried to kill me,” Lochte stated. “I was like, ‘Whatever.’”
This marks the second time the Olympian has been on the receiving end of a gun, after he and three fellow swimmers were robbed at a gas station in Rio. Although the household name Lochte was able to escape the country unscathed, his less-than-famous teammates were detained.
“I don’t get why people, like, think I’m making this up for attention,” the world record holder of the 200-meter individual medley continued. “Every four years, people pretend to care about the sport that I’ve devoted my life to, and I inevitably come up in conversation when everyone is talking about how great Michael Phelps is.”
At press time, Lochte claimed to have “misspoke.”
“What I meant to say is that I’d be like the Michael Phelps of swimming if he wasn’t there.”
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.