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CIA officer was ready to give his life on 9/11 inside job

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CIA officer

WASHINGTON — The last Central Intelligence officer who helped conduct the 9/11 false flag operation is retiring, and for the first time ever, he’s speaking on the record about what happened that day — and how he almost had to sacrifice his own life to make it a success.

Michael Schram was a young field agent in September of 2001, not exactly a new recruit, but only on his second assignment. His first assignment had been turning sources inside the Uruguayan government in Montevideo, such as the local police chief and a deputy minister of mining. But in the summer of 2001 he had been recalled to Langley headquarters, encoding and decoding messages from officers around the world.

Then he got a temporary assignment that would define the rest of his career.

“In retrospect, knowing what I know now, I should have realized it was something big,” says Schram, sipping a craft beer on the deck of his house in Marble Creek, Virginia. “But at the time, we were young — the five or six other guys that were put in our cell — and we were just excited to get pulled out of the beehive for awhile.”

“The beehive” is the insider slang for the encryption room where Schram worked, for its tiny cubicles resembling honeycomb and the constant hum of the white noise generators, the buzzing, which prevent workers from hearing what their neighbors are encrypting.

Schram recounts how Old Man Cheney gathered them all in the Illuminarium, just widdershins of the Lizard People chamber, to give them their in-brief.

“He kept telling us we were embarking on a great endeavor to rid the world of brown people and propagate the Zionist cause, like, normal CIA stuff we all signed up for,” he says as his Jewess wife putters about in the living room behind him. “But then he also started talking about weird stuff like chemtrails and The Damned — the race of immortals, not the indie prog band — and there weren’t many details. Luckily he turned things over to our cell leader, Stanley Tucci, and we got down to business.”

Records recently obtained after a successful Freedom of Information Act lawsuit show that at the time, the piece of the One True Cross that was powering Cheney’s evil robot heart was losing its potency due to such prolonged exposure to the zombie spinal fluid that the vice president was using as a blood substitute at the time.

A few years later he would murder and consume the soul of Domino Harvey and, ever since, had been much more coherent.

Schram would become the leader of his cell, which was in charge of planting the charges inside Tower 2 and murdering everybody in Building 7 to cover up evidence that Gary Condit was guilty of the rape and murder of Laura Palmer, after the original cell leader ascended to godhood through a mishap with the Orb Of Perspicacity at an otherwise routine meeting of the Bilderberg Group.

Weeks were spent carefully plotting, working with other cells, often in total secrecy or late at night.

Schram’s marriage grew strained and he began drinking to cope with the stress. But he never thought of quitting, and not just because the only way to really “quit” the CIA is a bullet in the back of the head out at Stump Neck.

“We really believed in the work,” says Schram, smiling wistfully. “And it was rewarding, even if it was the hardest, most brutal work we’ve ever had to do. I mean, sure, we got to kill lots of minorities and women and foreigners, but we were also sacrificing some white Protestant males, and even a couple of Jews, even though most of them were able to get out in time thanks to their secret communicator watch network. It was rough. Some of the guys…I wasn’t sure they were going to make it.”

The climax of the day for Schram — what he calls “the most exciting ten minutes of my life” — was when a main circuit board for all the explosives in the basement of Tower 2 malfunctioned. The board’s failure meant that someone would have to stay behind to manually throw the switch and initiate the explosions — but there was no timer or delay mechanism.

Whoever pushed that button would also end their own life.

“We looked around and I took a good look at my team. Half Mast. Happenstance. The Baron. Silver Python. Such good, devoted guys. I couldn’t ask one of them to stay and die when I was the leader. Hell, Clone Hitler 43 had just had his first kid, Clone Eva 6B was still on maternity leave from her job at MSNBC. So I told them to get out, to get to Building 7 and finish the job there and I’d stay behind to push the button. I turned command over to Empress Skrizzctx and told them to run.”

After tearful goodbyes, the remaining CIA team left Schram there in the basement of Tower 2, waiting for the radio call from Elvis that the plane holograms had been successfully projected into the skies above Manhattan and that the LSD had been sufficiently seeded from the street-level sprayers. That would be his signal to press the button.

As he waited, Schram pulled out a photo of his wife and children, and called his father to say goodbye.

“Remember, this was 2001,” Schram said, “so cell phones were still roughly the size and weight of a Sherman main battle tank. Remember, you used to have to carry them like a briefcase and there was that big magnetic antenna you had to stick on the roof of your car? Anyway, I called Dad and told him ‘Dad, it’s me, Mike Schram,’ using my full name, which everybody does, right? And I just told him I loved him and he’d been a good dad.”

Soon the call came, however: one minute until detonation. Schram hung up and said a quiet prayer to the God of Israel, and checked his equipment one last time, like a good professional.

That’s when he got the shock of his life.

“I looked down and beside the detonator button was the circuit board, the one that wasn’t working. It was actually the backup board, can you believe it?” he adds. “But I look down and the damn thing was suddenly running again. The little light was on and everything. I was stunned.”

In what he calls a “dreamlike trance,” Schram checked the board with a multimeter and a continuity tester, and it was working.

“To this day I don’t know what happened,” Schram said. “One minute it wasn’t working and the next it was. I’ll never know why God spared me that day. But I just wired the board back into the circuit real quick — all I had to do was re-connect the cap wires to the two ports on the end — and hauled ass.”

Schram estimates he exited the garage underneath Tower 2 mere seconds before the first wave of explosions hit it. It would be several minutes before the tower fell, but Schram would have been killed in those initial explosions. The circuit board mysteriously returning to full functionality saved his life.

“I jogged over to Building 7 and I thought the team was going to have a heart attack. We cried a little bit, and laughed, and there was a lot of hugging and backslapping.”

Schram wipes a tear out of his eye, remembering the happy reunion.

“Then we remembered: We still have a job to do. So we got back to executing innocent office workers for America.”

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Rip It teases plan for GWOT 20-year-anniversary can

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PLANTATION, Fla. — Rip It Energy Drinks teased plans for a unique can design that honors the 20 year anniversary of the Global War on Terror and will be available in combat zones by late 2021, in a press release today.

“We want to go all out to impress our troops,” said head of Rip It marketing Dave Hughes. “Many of them have suffered significant injuries from either combat or the consumption of our product and deserve the very best.”

The design will reportedly incorporate significant amounts of symbolism. Included will be 20 stars the size and shape of the kidney stones the product bestows, which represents the number of years of the conflict (so far). Other design elements are said to include the American flag, a heart pumping at 220 beats per minute, and probably an eagle.

The limited release product will also include commemorative flavors such as Mission Accomplished Mango, Tropical Troop Surge, Quagmire Citrus, and Poorly Defined War Aims Berry Punch. All flavors will reportedly still contain methamphetamine levels of caffeine and maintain Rip It’s signature “left out on a pallet in the Middle Eastern sun” aftertaste.

The Rip It brand itself is almost as old as the conflict, having been introduced as a non-alcoholic Four Loco substitute for troops downrange in the first year of the war. Troops immediately recognized the drink’s excellence, commonly described as carbonated battery acid, as a pallet cleanser perfect for after smoking a cigarette and immediately before throwing in a dip.  The brand’s popularity rose further once troops realized that when pairing it with Otis Spunkmeyer muffins caused simultaneous diarrhea and constipation.

“These past 20 years have been amazing, and we can’t wait to see what the next 20 holds,” said Hughes.

Though the design has yet to be fully finalized, experts believe that with the right kind of support, this promotion could be as big as Green Bean’s annual “Christmas away from your family” holiday cups.

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Army

Badge hunter to become latest Army badge

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JOINT BASE LANGLEY-EUSTIS, Va. — The U.S. Army Training and Doctrine Command announced the most recent attempt at Army retention today — another badge.

The Army says the badge-hunter badge will distinguish the service, citing the successes of historic organizations like the Boy Scouts of America, the restaurant Chotchkie’s from the movie Office Space, and Mattel’s line of never-ending Barbie accessories.

Public Affairs Officer Maj. John Wagner called it “the mother of all badges,” in a press briefing.

“We aim to have the most on our uniforms,” Wagner said. “We see it as an opportunity considering the new pinks and greens uniform is coming out. Look at Marine uniforms. Almost nothing. It’s terrible. How are they able to measure their self-worth if they can’t have forty pieces of fabric and shiny metal to wear to every banquet?”

The badge aims to recognize Soldiers who endlessly pursue awards and schools, often going months without being seen in their units.

“We aren’t ready to unveil what it looks like.” Wagner said. “But what we are allowed to say is it’s epic. The size of a baby’s head. Maybe the size of a tea plate.”

The badge hunter is only available to individuals with over 50 percent school time to service ratios. Positive evaluations are not a prerequisite, and a minimum of four badges must already adorn a Soldier’s uniform prior to applying for the badge.

No other requirements are known. Only badge hunters themselves know the true path to attaining the shiny piece of metal.

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Marine Corps

NCIS sting: Marines bribe officials for acceptance into University of Phoenix, Strayer University

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The Naval Criminal Investigation Service announced today the indictment of several Marines accused of bribing college officials for admission to some of the nation’s top online diploma mills.

“These bribes deprived veterans, other service members and average American dupes the chance to get ahead,” NCIS Agent Tom Malloy told reporters. “They prevented the opportunity for hard working people to advance careers through an esteemed and rigorous education.”

NCIS opened its investigation after a Camp Lejeune unit education officer dropped an envelope stuffed with one and five dollar bills and an application to Strayer University written in crayon. A civilian contractor turned the envelope over to NCIS, igniting a scandal that involved multiple Marine Corps bases, according to Malloy.

“In most instances, an education officer took half of the money and sent the rest to the university official,” Malloy said.

The University of Phoenix, Capella University, and Grand Canyon University were also implicated in the scandal. Marine Corps Commandant Gen. Robert Neller expressed shock at the alleged scheme.

“Marines are taught to use black pens on official documents,” Neller said. “Crayons are strictly for consumption.”

NCIS agents believe junior enlisted Marines hatched the plan when looking to enroll in classes that coincided with field day formations. Education officers insisted the Marines would need extra help in enrolling in these for-profit colleges. The education officers earned between $5 and $6 per application for a total of over $500,000 in bribes, according to NCIS.

“I was a little confused when I was approached with a bribe for admission the first time,” an admissions officer for Phoenix University said. “I mean, we’ll enroll anyone with a line of credit or access to tuition assistance money. I took the bribe of course. It only had a few dollars covered in grease and glitter that probably came from a local strip club.”

It is still unclear if the universities will expel the students involved. Most will remain enrolled until their payment checks clear.

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Army

Veteran didn’t risk his life at Bagram Pizza Hut just to see U.S. and Taliban sign peace deal

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professional veteran

A local Army veteran expressed outrage this morning over talks of a U.S.-Taliban peace deal, saying he didn’t risk his life during a two-month deployment to Bagram Airbase “just to see the war end like this.”

Cody Bennett started his protest on social media after U.S. special representative for Afghanistan Zalmay Khalilzad began negotiations with the Taliban to end the war. As one of the “elite one percent” who join the military, Bennett says most Americans won’t understand his point of view, but somebody needs to speak truth to power.

“Me and my boys put too much on the line out there just to see these spineless politicians settle for peace,” said the former administrative clerk who was sent home early due to bone spurs suffered on the base gym’s elliptical machine. “Are my blood, sweat and tears worth nothing?”

Bennett claims that he and other veterans often had to combat issues like minimal selection at the base Pizza Hut as well as long lines and limited hours at the dining facility.

“A large pizza for sixteen dollars? I put my life on the line day in and day out, and they’re going to try to swill me for sixteen dollars? On top of that, they never use enough sauce,” said Bennett, who never came within 200 meters of the base’s perimeter and was administratively separated from the Army for being overweight.

“Those guys, the ones like me that held the line for their country despite slightly below average dining standards compared to middle-class American expectations, those are the true heroes,” he added. Don’t talk to me about peace or freedom until you’ve had to live through that hell.”

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Army

Major forced to go to morning PT spontaneously combusts

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Fort Bragg, N.C. — An Army major met a disastrous end when he was forced to attend morning PT formation for the first time in seven years, sources confirmed today.

Maj. Eric Hindenburg burst into a ball of fire the moment the battalion commander called the unit to attention.

“We couldn’t tell if it was the sun coming up or one of the joes lighting more fireworks or what. I’ve seen some strange things before, but I’ve never actually seen a major at PT formation,” Sgt. Mark Tunguska told reporters.

Famous for delegating nearly all responsibility, sitting in eight hours worth of meetings a day, and a near universal acceptance of the dad bod, majors have long been an acceptable and simultaneously disdained reality the Army has sustained to keep the wheels of the machine coasting forward.

“Major Hindenburg was … well, come to think of it, he was sort of like all the other majors I’ve ever met. Uh, he was a guy. I guess that’s the only thing I remember about him,” continued Tunguska.

Fellow majors reacted with shock and remorse. Maj. John Morrison, the battalion operations officer, buckled and wept at the news of Hindenberg’s demise.

“Oh, the humanity!” he cried.

The battalion’s majors scheduled a vigil to take place tonight at the local Waffle House.

Hindenburg is survived by ten cats, air stream, and fridge full of micro brews in his garage.

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Marine Corps

134 percent of Marines arrested in nationwide ASVAB cheating scam

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Federal officials charged thousands of active duty Marines, including several prominent recruiters, today in what the Justice Department says was a costly $5 scheme to cheat ASVAB testing standards.

Nine gazillion Marines allegedly paid a strange man in a trench coat who said he would fabricate test scores and organize bribes to help men and women gain acceptance into the highly regarded service.

“We’re talking about pure dishonesty and rampant fraud — completely fake test scores, fake MEPS physical exams, and bribed officials with meet and greets with Jim Mattis,” Blake Strathman, a U.S. Marine Corp Recruitment Oversight official said at a news conference.

Strathman said Marines “paid from up to $5 to a whole box of crayons” to try to ensure that their scores went above the required 32 to enter the service. The accused allegedly sent bribes to associates controlled by a Virginia man named Dan Shaw in return for securing passing scores on the ASVAB as well as for spreading rumors that they are very strong and mean.

Shaw also presented his clients as elite killers, Strathman said.

“In some cases, Shaw helped Marine applicants take staged photographs of them engaged in Spartan races and intense paintball competitions,” he said. “Other times, Shaw and his connections used stock photos of famous wartime battles and photoshopped the face of the applicant onto the picture and submitted them to recruiters.”

Strathman was asked if he has 250 fake photoshopped pictures and 175 bribes, how many pictures and bribes does he have in all

“SEVEN! No wait. If you carry the two and subtract the 5, you end up with $35 dollars and a 2 strippers with dragon tattoos! Did I win?” he responded.

A total of one thousand million have been charged in the recruitment scheme, according to Marine Corps officials. More than twenty zillion people in multiple states were taken into custody Wednesday as part of “Operation No Impact, No Idea,” said Jake Pugh, special agent in charge of the Marine’s Investigation division.

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Air Force

Parents bribe service academies to not accept their children’s applications

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WEST POINT — As a string of high-profile college bribery scandals come to light, the FBI has also uncovered that affluent parents are covertly paying service academy admissions to reject applications coming from their children, sources confirmed today.

“I wouldn’t want my child to suffer through a service academy either,” says chief investigator Gary Burkmire. “But there’s a right way and a wrong way for your kids to get ahead in life, and helping them avoid a subpar education through lies and crime is not the way to do it.”

Parents with children in service academies are outraged.

“So I, a poor single mother, have to watch my son go to West Point while rich parents have the privilege of seeing their kids amount to something in life?” asks Sheila Jones. “The wealthy elite really are evil.”

Burkmire has emphasized that the bribes were done without the knowledge of the children.

“Let’s make sure not to blame the kids here,” he told reporters. “Many of them were bright enough to be able to avoid a military education all on their own, but their parents didn’t have enough faith and made things worse.”

In some instances, the fraud even included paying up to $500,000 for an impostor to show up to the child’s Candidate Fitness Test and fail for them.

The legal repercussions of the scandal fall somewhat on the youth, despite the crimes originating with their parents.

“Unfortunately, regardless of qualifications, all applicants involved in the bribery scandal have been admitted to the service academy of their choice, and must report on the first day of school,” says Burkmire. “I hate to see this kind of thing, but it’s what happens when you mess with the system.”

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Navy

Carrier forced into early retirement after being exposed as maritime supremacist

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WASHINGTON  Pentagon officials confirmed today that their announcement calling for the unexpected retirement of USS Harry S. Truman stemmed from shocking revelations of the aircraft carrier’s dark history as a maritime supremacist.

“I think it’s safe to say with a namesake like that [Truman], it was only a matter of time before another N-bomb was dropped,” said acting Pentagon press secretary Charles Summers, Jr. “The Department of Defense has zero-tolerance for supremacist ideologies.”

The Nitmitz-class supercarrier, who planned on maintaining freedom of the seas for at least twenty more years, was forced into early retirement after allegations of its unchallenged power projection made national headlines. It remains undetermined whether said power was black or white, but defense officials fear it could be haze grey power, boding poorly for future surface combatants seeking to establish a forward presence across the globe.

“Proactively addressing these intolerable issues — like sea control — by reducing our carrier fleet from 11 to 10 was the right move and in complete alignment with our national interests,” stated acting Secretary of Defense Patrick Shanahan.

“The advent of hypersonic, anti-ship ballistic exposés have all but eliminated the viability and utility of the American aircraft carrier,” he continued. “Air power from the sea is a relic of an undignified chapter of our nation’s history.”

The Truman could not be reached for comment, but sources close to it said that it was thinking about settling down in the warmer climes of southern Texas.

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