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CIA officer was ready to give his life on 9/11 inside job

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WASHINGTON — The last Central Intelligence officer who helped conduct the 9/11 false flag operation is retiring, and for the first time ever, he’s speaking on the record about what happened that day — and how he almost had to sacrifice his own life to make it a success.

Michael Schram was a young field agent in September of 2001, not exactly a new recruit, but only on his second assignment. His first assignment had been turning sources inside the Uruguayan government in Montevideo, such as the local police chief and a deputy minister of mining. But in the summer of 2001 he had been recalled to Langley headquarters, encoding and decoding messages from officers around the world.

Then he got a temporary assignment that would define the rest of his career.

“In retrospect, knowing what I know now, I should have realized it was something big,” says Schram, sipping a craft beer on the deck of his house in Marble Creek, Virginia. “But at the time, we were young — the five or six other guys that were put in our cell — and we were just excited to get pulled out of the beehive for awhile.”

“The beehive” is the insider slang for the encryption room where Schram worked, for its tiny cubicles resembling honeycomb and the constant hum of the white noise generators, the buzzing, which prevent workers from hearing what their neighbors are encrypting.

Schram recounts how Old Man Cheney gathered them all in the Illuminarium, just widdershins of the Lizard People chamber, to give them their in-brief.

“He kept telling us we were embarking on a great endeavor to rid the world of brown people and propagate the Zionist cause, like, normal CIA stuff we all signed up for,” he says as his Jewess wife putters about in the living room behind him. “But then he also started talking about weird stuff like chemtrails and The Damned — the race of immortals, not the indie prog band — and there weren’t many details. Luckily he turned things over to our cell leader, Stanley Tucci, and we got down to business.”

Records recently obtained after a successful Freedom of Information Act lawsuit show that at the time, the piece of the One True Cross that was powering Cheney’s evil robot heart was losing its potency due to such prolonged exposure to the zombie spinal fluid that the vice president was using as a blood substitute at the time.

A few years later he would murder and consume the soul of Domino Harvey and, ever since, had been much more coherent.

Schram would become the leader of his cell, which was in charge of planting the charges inside Tower 2 and murdering everybody in Building 7 to cover up evidence that Gary Condit was guilty of the rape and murder of Laura Palmer, after the original cell leader ascended to godhood through a mishap with the Orb Of Perspicacity at an otherwise routine meeting of the Bilderberg Group.

Weeks were spent carefully plotting, working with other cells, often in total secrecy or late at night.

Schram’s marriage grew strained and he began drinking to cope with the stress. But he never thought of quitting, and not just because the only way to really “quit” the CIA is a bullet in the back of the head out at Stump Neck.

“We really believed in the work,” says Schram, smiling wistfully. “And it was rewarding, even if it was the hardest, most brutal work we’ve ever had to do. I mean, sure, we got to kill lots of minorities and women and foreigners, but we were also sacrificing some white Protestant males, and even a couple of Jews, even though most of them were able to get out in time thanks to their secret communicator watch network. It was rough. Some of the guys…I wasn’t sure they were going to make it.”

The climax of the day for Schram — what he calls “the most exciting ten minutes of my life” — was when a main circuit board for all the explosives in the basement of Tower 2 malfunctioned. The board’s failure meant that someone would have to stay behind to manually throw the switch and initiate the explosions — but there was no timer or delay mechanism.

Whoever pushed that button would also end their own life.

“We looked around and I took a good look at my team. Half Mast. Happenstance. The Baron. Silver Python. Such good, devoted guys. I couldn’t ask one of them to stay and die when I was the leader. Hell, Clone Hitler 43 had just had his first kid, Clone Eva 6B was still on maternity leave from her job at MSNBC. So I told them to get out, to get to Building 7 and finish the job there and I’d stay behind to push the button. I turned command over to Empress Skrizzctx and told them to run.”

After tearful goodbyes, the remaining CIA team left Schram there in the basement of Tower 2, waiting for the radio call from Elvis that the plane holograms had been successfully projected into the skies above Manhattan and that the LSD had been sufficiently seeded from the street-level sprayers. That would be his signal to press the button.

As he waited, Schram pulled out a photo of his wife and children, and called his father to say goodbye.

“Remember, this was 2001,” Schram said, “so cell phones were still roughly the size and weight of a Sherman main battle tank. Remember, you used to have to carry them like a briefcase and there was that big magnetic antenna you had to stick on the roof of your car? Anyway, I called Dad and told him ‘Dad, it’s me, Mike Schram,’ using my full name, which everybody does, right? And I just told him I loved him and he’d been a good dad.”

Soon the call came, however: one minute until detonation. Schram hung up and said a quiet prayer to the God of Israel, and checked his equipment one last time, like a good professional.

That’s when he got the shock of his life.

“I looked down and beside the detonator button was the circuit board, the one that wasn’t working. It was actually the backup board, can you believe it?” he adds. “But I look down and the damn thing was suddenly running again. The little light was on and everything. I was stunned.”

In what he calls a “dreamlike trance,” Schram checked the board with a multimeter and a continuity tester, and it was working.

“To this day I don’t know what happened,” Schram said. “One minute it wasn’t working and the next it was. I’ll never know why God spared me that day. But I just wired the board back into the circuit real quick — all I had to do was re-connect the cap wires to the two ports on the end — and hauled ass.”

Schram estimates he exited the garage underneath Tower 2 mere seconds before the first wave of explosions hit it. It would be several minutes before the tower fell, but Schram would have been killed in those initial explosions. The circuit board mysteriously returning to full functionality saved his life.

“I jogged over to Building 7 and I thought the team was going to have a heart attack. We cried a little bit, and laughed, and there was a lot of hugging and backslapping.”

Schram wipes a tear out of his eye, remembering the happy reunion.

“Then we remembered: We still have a job to do. So we got back to executing innocent office workers for America.”

Dick Scuttlebutt is a graduate of SAMS and a veteran of the War on Women. He won the coveted Weeping Mushroom Medal for his actions at Two Points Ridge. His Twitter feed @DickScuttlebutt was voted "best" by your sister. You can send hate mail to [email protected] Or buy his book here: http://tinyurl.com/kdeeg6p

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Cyber Command’s first offensive operation: bombing China with dick pics

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FORT MEADE, Md. — U.S. Cyber Command released details today of its plan to discharge millions of dick pics on Chinese networks in America’s first authorized offensive cyberattack.

The plan is a severe departure from earlier senior leader discussions. The original version involved Cyber Command forcing itself onto Chinese servers, shutting down the economy, and setting up forward operating networks for indefinite local interference. However, younger staff pushed back, noting that an exit strategy was undefined.

Gen. Paul M. Nakasone, commander of U.S. Cyber Command, crowdsourced ideas from his staff. The winner came from one of his few female non-commissioned officers, Cpl. Lana Rodriguez.

“Corporal Rodriguez’s idea of weaponizing phallic imagery at non-routine intervals along random network nodes blew us away. Lucky for us, I guess there really is nothing more offensive than a United States Marine,” Nakasone said.

Operation Tyler Durden involves inserting quick dick snippets at random points along the network over the course of weeks, disorienting and upsetting billions of users. It involves deeply penetrative, enduring network thrusts that maximize damage without blowing the operation’s load in one blitz.

It makes a coordinated Chinese response more difficult because most people cannot fully process a split-second dick on the screen the first few times. Cyber Command can remain undetected longer and inflict more widespread chaos while remaining below the kinetic threshold.

“Smaller payloads also allow for faster pull out and clean up,” Rodriguez explained. “Plus, while everyone is busy hurling dicks at China, maybe I’ll get a break from them for a bit. A girl can dream, at least.”

The operation met a slight delay as Nakasone worked to remove Department of Defense network firewalls that blocked access to the best dick pic sites. The new launch date is set to coincide with the Marine Corps birthday as a gift to Defense Secretary James Mattis.

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VA executives announce initiative to fill 45,000 vacant jobs: hire friends and relatives

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WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs announced a plan today to curb non-veteran unemployment by hiring personal friends and family members into vacant positions.

The move comes after news broke last month that the VA currently has 45,000 unfilled positions across the country. Recruitment efforts to fill those positions are moving forward at a snail’s pace, however, slowing veterans’ access to quality healthcare.

“Today marks a special day for the VA,” said Secretary of Veterans Affairs Robert Wilkie during a press conference. “I am not only promising to hire all of my friends and family members, but I am also directing all VA executives nationwide to pledge that they too will make every effort to hire their friends and family members.”

The recruitment effort is being lauded nationwide by VA officials who are excited at the prospect of being able to openly admit they have already been giving their personal contacts cozy jobs for years.

“This new pledge is going to ensure we have support directly from the top to begin accelerated hiring efforts to make sure there is a zero percent unemployment rate among our immediate and extended family members,” said David Sanders, director of the Iowa City VA Medical Center. “We are talking about quality, full-time jobs here. They deserve to be filled by Americas best and brightest — my kin.”

Non-veteran employees make up about 68 percent of the VA’s nationwide workforce. The new initiative aims to make that number much higher.

“The rest of my family and friends can finally breathe a sigh of relief today,” said Roland Williams, human resources officer at the VA Minneapolis Healthcare System. “The VA needs people who are leaders and who are driven to accomplish the mission at all costs. Who better to fill that role than my personal network? Giving my nephew his first job right out of college makes great business sense.”

Opponents of the new initiative say the efforts will likely exclude veterans, whose nationwide unemployment rate is 2.9 percent, according to the Department of Labor.

VA executives disagree and suggest the new initiative will help rapidly fill the vacant positions, some of which have been vacant since the ’90s. The faster hiring times will result from skipping the time-consuming USAJobs application process, interviewing, and conducting reference checks, which are unnecessary when preselecting close relatives and placing them into high-paying jobs.

“Our non-veteran friends and family members have endured a lot. They are stressed, suffering, underemployed, and they need job opportunities immediately,” said Donny Allison, associate director of the Dallas VA Healthcare System. “Taxpayers expect me to improve the federal employment opportunities for everyone I personally know and everyone they know. There is no need to look anywhere else for high-quality candidates, especially outside of my family tree.”

Wilkie is leading the nationwide effort. He is currently planning a Christmas hiring fair at his personal residence. Invitations to the event – which promises guaranteed employment with no interviews – have already gone out to his entire family.

“If you didn’t get one, well, tough shit,” added Wilkie.

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Air Force

Air Force decreases deployments to Afghanistan to a 3-hour tour

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PENTAGON – Secretary of the Air Force Heather Wilson announced today that the Air Force would limit future rotations to Afghanistan to a three-hour tour with free lunch.

“These exotic tours should hit peak efficiency by limiting Air Force personnel to groups of five or so. The limited duration will keep burnout low and enthusiasm high.” said Wilson. “We’ll put America’s Airmen on expertly skippered three-hour tours.”

“A three-hour tour,” echoed Wilson’s aide.

The shortened tours are expected to increase the likelihood of Air Force Reserve personnel with unique civilian skill sets – such as professors, movie stars, millionaires, and millionaires’ wives – to volunteer for deployments.

“We used to require lengthy pre-deployment training,” Wilson added. “Today’s airmen don’t even need to pack. They’ll be on the ground for three hours.”

Wilson, who also introduced the new C-130M Minnow, emphasized how easy it was to get out of Afghanistan efficiently before concluding the press conference.

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Contractor Who Never Served Showing All The Trappings Of A True Vet Bro

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BAGRAM, Afghanistan – A military contractor has nearly returned from his sixth year in Afghanistan, but despite his worn American flag patch hat, near constant operational name drops, and almost-muscular physique, he has never actually served in the military, sources confirm today.

Mark Snufflepuff has never let that stop him, though, pushing the boundaries of what may or may not be considered stolen valor. He retains the right to blanket his social media with cringeworthy pro-American memes, pictures of his pre-workout, and his ability to make bad financial decisions.

“Vet culture is American culture. I don’t see really any difference from me and the guys pulling the triggers,” Snufflepuff said. “Hell no, I’ve never left the office. Well, the office and the gym. And the DFAC, massage parlor, Pizza Hut, the usual.”

Snufflepuff has created an exhaustive to-do list after waking up from his post-deployment hangovers. It includes physical therapy appointments for bad knees he acquired from lifting with Special Forces, Tinder dates he’s lined up, and stocking up on bottled water so he can continue to build his pyramid of spit bottles.

“I had to stop going out with him. He wears Affliction T-shirts, running shoes when he goes to the club, and always has a set of dog tags hanging out,” said Staff Sgt. Jack Spitty, one of Mark’s many friends on Facebook. “He has a higher high fade than I do. It was cool when I was an E4, but now I can’t bring myself to be around him.”

Snufflepuff is also excited to start a new t-shirt company, or brewery, or whatever. Whatever he thinks he will be able to market against his fellow vet bros, to paraphrase his rambling responses.

“I pay my taxes. I’m no different from them. Got my 5.11 clothes, finishing up the paperwork on this third divorce, and I think I’ll use the cash from this last deployment to rock a little further down my arm with this sick ink,” Snufflepuff said, pointing to his tribal tattoo on his right arm.

He’s deployed for now but can’t wait to get back stateside so he can practice his real calling: alcoholism.

DuffelBlog correspondent Danger Close also contributed to this article.

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Air Force can’t figure out why sailor would spend $1,280 on tattoo

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WASHINGTON — A visibly annoyed Air Force called a sailor’s decision to pay for a full-sleeve tattoo financially irresponsible, adding with just a hint of disdain that this sort of extravagant spending is to blame for the Defense Department’s slew of budgetary woes, sources confirmed today.

“One thousand, two hundred and eighty dollars for some body art?” scoffed Air Force. “What a waste! Think of all the golf balls you could buy.”

“At least two, maybe three,” the fiscally-sensible service surmised. “Certainly no more than three.”

The Air Force’s steadfast reputation among the military for doing more with less is rooted in its proud history of battling fraud, waste and abuse.

The sailor in question, Intelligence Specialist 1st Class Michael Parker, recently had the finishing touches added to an intricate sprawl of nautically-themed tattoos covering the entirety of his right arm.

“A poor mistake like that [tattoo] isn’t some simple mulligan,” said Air Force. “Just think, if you saved $1,280 every year for 20 years, you’d be able to buy yourself a decent, middle-of-the-road nine-iron and be ready for retirement.”

Parker, 28, has been gradually adding tattoos to his arm over the past three years so as to not “break the bank.”

The Air Force expressed worry at the American public’s response to what it views as fiscal waste.

“You know, I hate to be ‘that branch,’” the responsible steward of taxpayer monies said, “but these sorts of things really make me question the professionalism of our sister services.”

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Trump Cancels Afghanistan War Due to Weather

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WASHINGTON — A light drizzle in Kandahar has prompted the president to cancel the war in Afghanistan, according to a white house press conference.

Weather forecasts were optimistic at first, saying that the rain was going to pass within a few hours, but it soon became clear that the inclement weather wasn’t going anywhere.

“At first, we thought about just postponing it,” White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters. “But ultimately, we got together and decided that you really can’t predict the weather, so we felt it was best to just cancel the whole thing.”

“Nobody was going to show up anyway,” Sanders continued. “Most people didn’t even know it was going on in the first place. Hell, Ezra Klein didn’t even know we were at war five days ago.”

A redeployment effort began immediately, with members of the Army striking tents at all forward operating bases and organizing airlift back to U.S. and European bases. Air Force bases throughout the middle east have already set their Nest thermostats to “vacation” mode to save energy. Approximately 8,000 U.S. troops have already begun packing their bags, though even that has been difficult due to the rain.

“I’ve got all these first edition comic books that I brought with me, and I’m really scared about what all this moisture is going to do to them,” said 2nd Lt. Michael Skewski. “First edition, man.”

Although the decision has drawn criticism from many who say that the Taliban will exploit this opportunity to regain power in most of war-torn Afghanistan, members of the enemy forces have shown equal reluctance to fight in such dreary conditions.

“We’re in agreement with the decision to cancel the Afghanistan war,” said Salah bin Sadiqi, representative of the Taliban. “Have you ever tried to plant an IED in wet ground? You just keep digging, and the mud keeps flowing back into the hole. It takes, like, infinite time. Total mess.”

“Trouble is,” said Khalid al Akhtar, a suicide bomber, “I had already pressed the button when I got word that the war was cancelled. Now I’ll have to keep my finger on this trigger right here for the rest of my life if I don’t want to blow up. Seriously though, who wants to die in the rain?”

President Donald Trump has declared that the war is to be canceled immediately and has been looking at weather reports for the last several days. Some gathering clouds over Seoul, South Korea, have sparked talks about closing all U.S. bases in southeast Asia.

Dirty contributed to this post.

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Coast Guard

Marine recycled in Coast Guard sniper school for the fourth time

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JACKSONVILLE, Fla. – A reconnaissance Marine who graduated at the top of his Marine Corps sniper class has found an insurmountable challenge in the most unexpected place – Coast Guard sniper school, sources confirmed today.

Sgt. Charles Handcock, a 28-year-old Arkansas native, failed to successfully complete the school for the Coast Guard’s Precision Marksman Observer Team (PMOT) a total of three times and is now being given a fourth opportunity to complete the program.

“I know I have what it takes to measure up to these guys,” said Handcock. “But this course is the most challenging thing I have ever experienced in my entire military career.”

During the intensive 3-day course, trainees are taught basic precision techniques, including shooting from a prone position inside of a helicopter and how to shoot engines on maritime vehicles.

“It’s highly unusual for anyone to have difficulty with this course,” said Lt. John Ellsworth, commanding officer of the precision marksmen training program. “It’s clear that little fella is trying really hard, so we take pity on him and let him keep trying. But we just don’t compromise on standards in the Coast Guard. This isn’t the Army.”

Handcock reportedly had 93 confirmed targeting failures, which disappointed his classmates.

“All we really do is practice shooting boat engines,” said Petty Officer 3rd Class Emmitt Jones. “It really just ain’t that hard. This guy is simply not ready for dangerous missions close to shore. We want the guys who are ready to risk it all in U.S. ports and on calm territorial waters. We just aren’t seeing that level of dedication from this Marine.”

School officials announced they will allow Handcock to make another three attempts to complete the program. He will be sent back to his unit if he fails those attempts but can reapply after a mandatory one-year waiting period, which will provide him an opportunity to bring his skills on par with the Coast Guard’s high standards.

“Maybe he would do better sticking to Marine Corps spec op schools,” Lt. Ellsworth added. “They are more in line with his abilities and skill level.”

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Veteran with PTSD can’t believe he never thought to murder innocent people before

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BOULDER, Colo. — A local veteran was seen shaking his head in disbelief at the number of years that have passed before he reached the crystal clear conclusion that he needs to murder the shit out of some innocent civilians minding their own business, sources confirmed today.

“It’s so obvious now, I’m really actually quite embarrassed,” said Trevor Hernandez, a Colorado native who completed two tours in Afghanistan and was sent home during his third deployment for traumatic brain injuries suffered from an IED blast.

“I can’t begin to even describe the catharsis I’ve yearned for since being thrust into the horrors of war,” he added. “The simple notion that the closure to my living nightmare may be waiting at an ice rink, or perhaps a happy family venue like a Chuck E. Cheese’s, has really lifted my spirits.”

Hernandez was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in 2012, and has lived with his parents since getting divorced in 2015.

“I always told him that he needed to find a healthy outlet for all of that pain,” said Hernandez’s mother, Gloria.

“Something that provides a sense of purpose and community,” concurred her spouse, Javier.

Hernandez’s parents were elated to hear that their son might at long last find peace.

“We were terrified that he might become another statistic,” admitted Gloria.

At press time, Hernandez was allegedly floored by the novelty of suicidal ideation.

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