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CIA officer was ready to give his life on 9/11 inside job

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WASHINGTON — The last Central Intelligence officer who helped conduct the 9/11 false flag operation is retiring, and for the first time ever, he’s speaking on the record about what happened that day — and how he almost had to sacrifice his own life to make it a success.

Michael Schram was a young field agent in September of 2001, not exactly a new recruit, but only on his second assignment. His first assignment had been turning sources inside the Uruguayan government in Montevideo, such as the local police chief and a deputy minister of mining. But in the summer of 2001 he had been recalled to Langley headquarters, encoding and decoding messages from officers around the world.

Then he got a temporary assignment that would define the rest of his career.

“In retrospect, knowing what I know now, I should have realized it was something big,” says Schram, sipping a craft beer on the deck of his house in Marble Creek, Virginia. “But at the time, we were young — the five or six other guys that were put in our cell — and we were just excited to get pulled out of the beehive for awhile.”

“The beehive” is the insider slang for the encryption room where Schram worked, for its tiny cubicles resembling honeycomb and the constant hum of the white noise generators, the buzzing, which prevent workers from hearing what their neighbors are encrypting.

Schram recounts how Old Man Cheney gathered them all in the Illuminarium, just widdershins of the Lizard People chamber, to give them their in-brief.

“He kept telling us we were embarking on a great endeavor to rid the world of brown people and propagate the Zionist cause, like, normal CIA stuff we all signed up for,” he says as his Jewess wife putters about in the living room behind him. “But then he also started talking about weird stuff like chemtrails and The Damned — the race of immortals, not the indie prog band — and there weren’t many details. Luckily he turned things over to our cell leader, Stanley Tucci, and we got down to business.”

Records recently obtained after a successful Freedom of Information Act lawsuit show that at the time, the piece of the One True Cross that was powering Cheney’s evil robot heart was losing its potency due to such prolonged exposure to the zombie spinal fluid that the vice president was using as a blood substitute at the time.

A few years later he would murder and consume the soul of Domino Harvey and, ever since, had been much more coherent.

Schram would become the leader of his cell, which was in charge of planting the charges inside Tower 2 and murdering everybody in Building 7 to cover up evidence that Gary Condit was guilty of the rape and murder of Laura Palmer, after the original cell leader ascended to godhood through a mishap with the Orb Of Perspicacity at an otherwise routine meeting of the Bilderberg Group.

Weeks were spent carefully plotting, working with other cells, often in total secrecy or late at night.

Schram’s marriage grew strained and he began drinking to cope with the stress. But he never thought of quitting, and not just because the only way to really “quit” the CIA is a bullet in the back of the head out at Stump Neck.

“We really believed in the work,” says Schram, smiling wistfully. “And it was rewarding, even if it was the hardest, most brutal work we’ve ever had to do. I mean, sure, we got to kill lots of minorities and women and foreigners, but we were also sacrificing some white Protestant males, and even a couple of Jews, even though most of them were able to get out in time thanks to their secret communicator watch network. It was rough. Some of the guys…I wasn’t sure they were going to make it.”

The climax of the day for Schram — what he calls “the most exciting ten minutes of my life” — was when a main circuit board for all the explosives in the basement of Tower 2 malfunctioned. The board’s failure meant that someone would have to stay behind to manually throw the switch and initiate the explosions — but there was no timer or delay mechanism.

Whoever pushed that button would also end their own life.

“We looked around and I took a good look at my team. Half Mast. Happenstance. The Baron. Silver Python. Such good, devoted guys. I couldn’t ask one of them to stay and die when I was the leader. Hell, Clone Hitler 43 had just had his first kid, Clone Eva 6B was still on maternity leave from her job at MSNBC. So I told them to get out, to get to Building 7 and finish the job there and I’d stay behind to push the button. I turned command over to Empress Skrizzctx and told them to run.”

After tearful goodbyes, the remaining CIA team left Schram there in the basement of Tower 2, waiting for the radio call from Elvis that the plane holograms had been successfully projected into the skies above Manhattan and that the LSD had been sufficiently seeded from the street-level sprayers. That would be his signal to press the button.

As he waited, Schram pulled out a photo of his wife and children, and called his father to say goodbye.

“Remember, this was 2001,” Schram said, “so cell phones were still roughly the size and weight of a Sherman main battle tank. Remember, you used to have to carry them like a briefcase and there was that big magnetic antenna you had to stick on the roof of your car? Anyway, I called Dad and told him ‘Dad, it’s me, Mike Schram,’ using my full name, which everybody does, right? And I just told him I loved him and he’d been a good dad.”

Soon the call came, however: one minute until detonation. Schram hung up and said a quiet prayer to the God of Israel, and checked his equipment one last time, like a good professional.

That’s when he got the shock of his life.

“I looked down and beside the detonator button was the circuit board, the one that wasn’t working. It was actually the backup board, can you believe it?” he adds. “But I look down and the damn thing was suddenly running again. The little light was on and everything. I was stunned.”

In what he calls a “dreamlike trance,” Schram checked the board with a multimeter and a continuity tester, and it was working.

“To this day I don’t know what happened,” Schram said. “One minute it wasn’t working and the next it was. I’ll never know why God spared me that day. But I just wired the board back into the circuit real quick — all I had to do was re-connect the cap wires to the two ports on the end — and hauled ass.”

Schram estimates he exited the garage underneath Tower 2 mere seconds before the first wave of explosions hit it. It would be several minutes before the tower fell, but Schram would have been killed in those initial explosions. The circuit board mysteriously returning to full functionality saved his life.

“I jogged over to Building 7 and I thought the team was going to have a heart attack. We cried a little bit, and laughed, and there was a lot of hugging and backslapping.”

Schram wipes a tear out of his eye, remembering the happy reunion.

“Then we remembered: We still have a job to do. So we got back to executing innocent office workers for America.”

Dick Scuttlebutt is a graduate of SAMS and a veteran of the War on Women. He won the coveted Weeping Mushroom Medal for his actions at Two Points Ridge. His Twitter feed @DickScuttlebutt was voted "best" by your sister. You can send hate mail to [email protected] Or buy his book here: http://tinyurl.com/kdeeg6p

Army

Opinion: Are we dead or just in Kuwait?

An existential op-ed written by your squad leader in Camp Buehring, Kuwait.

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Guys, I have to come clean: I don’t think we survived this past deployment. I don’t really feel anything anymore. The color has run out of the world. All is awash in browns, grays, dust and burning, stifling, ball-sweat inducing heat. We must question our purpose, the point of it all. Are we dead or just in Kuwait?

Why are we here? Is there nothing other than absurdity in this bleached pan of our waking nightmares? Is there nothing more than watching how many Kuwaiti soldiers it takes to devour that foreign delicacy chocolate cake?

Has life been reduced to watching other living, breathing service members — not merely our own, but the entire Western world’s — go on real deployments? This can’t be Hell, can it? Hell does not have a gym or an MWR. (Or does it?)

I’m certain Hell has better chicken wings.

Was it Kierkegaard who once said, “we shall not decide which life fights the good fight most easily, but we all agree that every human being ought to fight the good fight? Unless of course they’re sentenced to this godforsaken desert by the Military Intelligence Readiness Command?”

Trust me, that was purely rhetorical.

I’m pretty sure this place was the last thing Camus saw flash in front of his eyes before the crash. We are condemned to be free, but what is the nature of this freedom? Condemned to roll our laundry into balls repeatedly, like some modern Sisyphus?

The freedom to complain about internet lag or the sheer lack of Black Panther on haji disk? Was life ever more meaningless?

Wait. That’s why I can’t remember Iraq. That was a lifetime ago, when we believed in COIN and David Petraeus. We are assigned here. This is life now. Somewhere between smelling a burn pit here and the meth back in Fort Huachuca.

We aren’t dead, but we are in hell.

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Navy

Navy plans to reduce suicide by monitoring sailors at all times

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NORFOLK, Va. — The U.S. Navy plans to reduce suicide in its ranks by monitoring sailors at all times, sources confirmed today.

“Not a moment will pass in a sailor’s life where they will not be under observation,” Vice Adm. Robert Burke, deputy chief of naval operations, told reporters. “Sailors will feel secure knowing there is always someone there keeping an eye on them. Whether you’re at work, at home, or asleep in your bed, rest assured the Navy is watching you.”

“Sailors are scared we will install security cameras in their homes,” Burke said. “But that is ridiculous. Instead, we’ll be using thermal cameras to see though their walls.”

The new plan, dubbed “America’s Navy: 100% On Watch” will be implemented next month. The Center For Naval Analyses determined it would be the most efficient way to address the problem of suicide without addressing any of the root causes, officials said.

“We have determined this is the only way to ensure our sailors are safe at all times,” said Burke. “It has many benefits beyond preventing suicide. Think about it. Showers are dangerous places, you could slip and fall and nobody would know. That is, unless there was a surveillance camera. Don’t worry, we are watching for your sake.”

The idea was tested among several focus groups, in which sailors with objections were told their opinions were wrong, Burke added. “This plan has a 100% approval rating across the Navy.”

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News

Mattis says he’s ‘absolutely not’ leaving Pentagon while carrying cardboard box out to his car

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THE PENTAGON — Defense Secretary Jim Mattis told a number of reporters that he “absolutely” wasn’t leaving his post at the Pentagon “any time soon” as he made his way out to his car with a large cardboard box, sources confirmed today.

“I wouldn’t take these stories seriously at all,” Mattis said of recent news stories speculating on his imminent departure from the Trump administration. “This stuff is all cooked up by the media just looking for a good story,” the former general added, before opening up his car’s trunk, which was filled with papers, photos, plaques, and other mementos that he removed from his office.

“I’m just, uh, bringing these back home so I can swap them out with other photos and trinkets that I want instead,” Mattis sheepishly told reporters, when questioned about all the suits hanging in his back seat as well as the various ‘good luck in retirement!’ greeting cards found strewn across his passenger side.

Rumors have swirled that President Donald Trump has soured on Mattis in recent months, apparently due to a number of private clashes over defense policy. The speculation has reached a fever pitch in recent days, especially after the publication of Bob Woodward’s book on the Trump administration, which reported the defense secretary compared Trump’s understanding of national security to a “fifth or six grader.”

“I really love fiction, which is absolutely what that book is,” Mattis said of the book, titled ‘Fear.’ “I never said those things of the President. Woodward got it 100% wrong. I said Trump had the understanding of a third or fourth grader.”

At press time, Mattis again denied that he was leaving his post after being confronted with updates he made earlier this week to his LinkedIn profile.

Lieutenant Dan contributed reporting.

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Marine Corps

Opinion: I am very tired

By Gen. Robert Neller, Commandant of the Marine Corps

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Good Morning, Marines.

As the 37th Commandant of the Marine Corps, it is my distinct privilege to lead and serve you in this unique and essential war-fighting organization. Despite the hardship of this position and the responsibility it entails, working alongside our dedicated Marines and Sailors has been one of my life’s greatest joys.

However, one thing has weighed heavily on my mind these past few years, a confession that needs to be made before God and man, alike. Fellow Marines, I, Gen. Robert Neller, am very tired.

I’m just exhausted. I’ve been doing this shit since 1975, and I’ve got to tell you, man, I’m pooped. I legitimately can’t remember the last time I slept. I think I took a nap in the Pentagon parking lot last week before a meeting with Dunford, but I’m really not sure.

I mean, what kind of shitty-ass job is this when I can’t let my head hit the fucking pillow without some cracked-out aide telling me a 28-year-old staff sergeant in Miramar texted a picture of his ding-dong to a lance corporal and now its on Reddit. What-the-literal-fuck, Marines?

Or how about this, the other night, I was having dinner with my wife — who, by the way, has seen me about four times in the past eight weeks — when I get a call from Gen. Berger, who’s like, hey Commandant, guess what, a 7-ton in Okinawa just crashed into a light pole, and now you have to speak to the fucking Japanese Prime Minister. Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me.

Listen up idiots. I get it. This isn’t a zero-defect organization. Mistakes happen. I’m fucking tracking.

But you assholes — and I’m speaking to everyone subordinate to me, which is literally all of you — need to get your heads out of your buttholes, for… I don’t know… the next three hours.

Just let me rack out under my desk. I mean this. I will call a Marine Corps-wide safety stand down if it means I can take a nap.

Bottom line, Marines: It’s not easy at the top.

So next time you think about drinking and driving or smoking near a fuel pump or breaking into the amnesty box, please reconsider. Remember, protect what you’ve earned and let me sleep. If you have any questions, I’m in the fucking Global.

Gen. Robert Neller is the 37th Commandant of the Marine Corps. Prior to his current assignment, he served as the Commander, Marine Forces Command from July 2014 to September 2015 and Commander, Marine Forces Central Command from September 2012 to June 2014. He hasn’t had a full eight hours of sleep since around 1997.

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News

Air Force drone pilot ejects

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NELLIS AIR FORCE BASE — An Air Force drone pilot accidentally ejected from his Nevada office while flying an MQ-9 Reaper over southwestern Yemen, sources confirmed today.

“This morning, at 0900 hours, we lost 1st. Lt. Denton Link,” said Capt. Maria Lopez, an Air Force spokeswoman. “After he ejected through the ceiling of the Ground Control Station during an operation supporting the Global War on Terror. An investigation is underway to determine the cause of this terrible accident.”

With the call-sign “La-Z-Boy,” Link was well-liked in the Remotely Piloted Aircraft (RPA) community, and his death has set the elite group of aviators on edge.

“Well, people kept saying this might happen after we started installing those ejection seats around the office,” said squadron commander Col. Mike Lee. “Drone pilots don’t really need them, but it was the end of the fiscal year and the Air Force had a surplus.”

“We probably made a mistake there,” he added.

Numerous bystanders witnessed the incident, with the aftermath drawing crowds of onlookers from across the base.

“We’re just sitting in the truck in front of that building when all of the sudden we hear this loud-ass noise and see this scrawny, pasty looking kid flying through the air,” Mike Hatfield, of facility maintenance, told reporters. “Ceiling tiles and debris were trailing behind him. The dude made it all the way to the base swimming pool. It’s a real tragedy.”

Following this accident, the Air Force has prohibited ejecting indoors until its investigation is complete.

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Army

Former PT stud now lives in barn

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CLARKSBURG, W. Va. — A retired 82nd Airborne soldier who was once known for having the fastest two-mile run time in his battalion currently lives in a barn, horses confirmed today.

Thomas Chatterton, 32, of Clarksburg, entered basic training at Fort Benning in 2004, where instructors quickly noticed his speed and endurance on the track, said one horse who lives in the barn with Chatterton.

“We do three things around here. We run fast, eat oats, and we piss all over the floor. Anyone who wants to be a part of that, well, we’re happy to have you! Damn happy! We certainly don’t discriminate based on race, gender, orientation, or ability to take shits so big that a team of professionals has to come clean them up with snow shovels,” he said.

Chatterton got serious about running in middle school and remained dedicated in high school, according to his mother.

“Tommy was always a fast kid,” said Wendy Chatterton. “His 1600-meter time is still the state record for boys under 14. He went through the usual phases high school boys go through, you know. He grew his hair out into an enormous tail he could flap at flies, he slept standing up.”

She added: “I have to admit, though, we were somewhat surprised when he began soiling his pants wherever he was standing.”

Horses claim that Chatterton’s dedication has inspired them to be better competitors on the track.

“Tom’s an athlete through and through. Incredible focus,” said one horse who has raced with Chatterton. “Back at the barn, he’s the nicest guy you’ve ever met. But, the moment that gun goes off and all the other horses blow immediately past him, he’s all business.”

At 32 years old, Chatterton is a bit of an anomaly on the track, according to Crackling Thunder, a gray-spotted horse. Especially, he said, after a horrific trampling accident that occurred last year.

“The average life-span of a horse is about 25-30 years, so Tom’s really got guts to be mixing it up with these younger studs,” Thunder told reporters. “We take injuries pretty seriously here. They can mean life or death. After he got trampled that last time, I knew he was having some second thoughts.”

Video of the incident, which happened at the Hollywood Casino’s Charles Town Race Track near Charles Town, West Virginia, gained popularity after airing on America’s Funniest Home Videos, said one horse who was there.

“Oh, it was awful,” he said. “Here’s a competitor who only draws breath out of the love of the sport, and these jackals are putting slide whistle and boing-boing sound effects on the video of him getting trampled by 16 race horses charging at full speed? It makes me sick.”

Horses say that Chatterton wasn’t fazed by the incident, though, and his recovery has gone well.

Although he declined to speak to Duffel Blog reporters for this article, he did release a statement through his trainer, telling fans that any paper mail they send him is usually eaten or used as bedding by other horses.

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Coast Guard

Coast Guard suspends hurricane relief operations for racial sensitivity training after circle gesture airs on national TV

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COAST GUARD STATION NEAR YOU THAT YOU DIDN’T KNOW EVEN EXISTED — The Coast Guard has suspended Hurricane Florence relief operations in order to address a service-wide racism problem that nobody even knew about until one of its own played the “circle game” on national television yesterday, sources confirmed today.

During a briefing about the response to Hurricane Florence, an unnamed Coast Guardsman, seen in the background, appeared to scratch his forehead and then make a circle with his thumb and forefinger as another service member briefed reporters.

The gesture was immediately noticed by the nation’s best thinkers, who are all on Twitter, Vice and Facebook. After scores, or maybe five, intellectuals reported the offensive act, the Coast Guard sailed into — or actually, out of — action.

“We are aware of the offensive video on twitter – the Coast Guard has identified the member and removed him from the response,” the service tweeted. “His actions do not reflect those of the United States Coast Guard.”

Operations then ceased as hundreds of Coast Guardsmen departed the Eastern Seaboard to assemble in front of giant screens placed well ashore, on which PowerPoint briefings projected images of reported racists making the circle gesture, such as Alabama police officers, Oprah Winfrey, Colin Kaepernick, and — briefly — Presidents Trump, Obama and Clinton.

Speaking at a hastily-called press conference far away from Florence’s impact, Vice Commandant Charles W. Ray told reporters, “We used to be tremendously busy with the response to Florence, so we don’t have time for these games, whether they are intended as harmless fun or are actually symptomatic of a long-standing, service-wide Aryan skinhead alt-right hate problem we just learned about like, nineteen hours ago.”

Ray added: “But now that the nation knows that we’re really a bunch of heehawing, Sieg-Heiling fascists just looking for the chance to ignore a minority’s distress call, we have ceased all operations worldwide in order to conduct sensitivity training about the racist ‘circle game.’” 

But while speaking, Ray scratched his ear, which according to the Internet is a white power gesture that symbolizes crackers not wanting to hear minorities speak truth to power.

He was immediately removed from the podium by his own security detail and replaced by Commandant Karl Schultz, who was subsequently removed after an American Sign Language interpreter to his left made the letter “f” with his hand while Schultz spoke. That letter is the same “A-OK” symbol used by white supremacists, Coast Guardsmen and deaf Americans, according to several Redditors contacted by Duffel Blog.

Reaction to the Coast Guard’s response was swift among the nation’s five military forces.

“Overblown,” declared Air Force Master Sgt. Jermaine Grier, two-time winner of the Pacific Air Forces’ annual circle game competition. “First of all, it was above the waist. That’s a foul and the captain — or was it a petty officer? I can’t tell their ranks — should have turned right around on camera and punched that guy’s arm off.”

At the Pentagon, Master Chief Petty Officer of the Navy Russ Smith noted that while everyone needs to combat racism, the A-OK sign was disguised as a scratch, which violates rules.

“It can’t be set up like that,” he said, adding, “speaking for America’s real sailors, we work hard to maintain high standards of integrity and honor.” Smith then turned to an aide and requested the statistics on how many Pollywogs kissed the Royal Baby in the last fiscal quarter.

After the video of the gesture went viral, sales of Margaret Atwood’s 1966 poetry book, “The Circle Game,” increased dramatically in Coast Guard exchanges nationwide. This caused the Coast Guard’s Office of Public Affairs to tweet, “The book, ‘The Circle Game,’ is not an instruction manual. Furthermore, Joni Mitchell’s 1970 song of the same name is not to be played during any Coast Guard formation.”

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Army

Wow! This man was born on 9/11 and gets to fight in the same war it inspired

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KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — Not every soldier is as lucky as Pvt. Jesse Butler, who just signed his enlistment papers on his 17th birthday and will get the opportunity to fight in the same war that the Sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attacks inspired.

Although Butler came into the world on a terrible day in U.S. history, he’s thanking his lucky stars today that he has the privilege of avenging that attack just like thousands of others that came before and after him.

“I’m really thankful for people like Jesse who are stepping up to serve this country at a time of war,” said Sgt. 1st Class Elon Rodriguez, his recruiter. “And in his specific case, the war is the same one he’s known his whole life.”

Butler will soon ship off to Army basic training where he’ll get physically fit and learn all kinds of skills that will serve him well in Afghanistan, which the U.S. has been fighting in since before people knew what an Apple iPod was.

(Although the “classic” Apple iPod was discontinued in 2014, the obsolete War in Afghanistan continued its production run to the present day).

Sources say it’s possible that Butler may be sent to Kandahar, where his father once served, or to Bagram, where his older brother is currently deployed.

Butler has told reporters he can’t wait to pass on his knowledge of the country and how to fight the Taliban to his own sons.

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