HOUSTON — Lt. j.g. Evan Summerlin has told shipmates and relatives that he is currently suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, a source involved in the investigation reports. Summerlin recently pulled a seven hour work day filing investigation forms, emailing case pictures, and scheduling meetings.
“I used to love coming to work,” Summerlin said. “I used to chat it up with Bridget in Admin, try to beat my high score on Temple Run, and still have enough time to pretend to know what I’m doing. Now I have to do this thing called ‘work?’”
Summerlin joined the Coast Guard in 2010, where he pretended to be busy at the Marine Safety Office in Portland, Maine, before being transferred to the very busy Sector Houston in 2015, according to sources.
While used to a more relaxed operational tempo, Summerlin now cannot seem to even check his phone, much less update his Facebook status during the demanding workday.
“I used to be able to take long lunch breaks at the local Ruby Tuesdays and browse Reddit all day but now I’m sweating from transferring all these phone calls,” Summerlin said.
A coast Guard Spokesman spoke about Summerlin’s mental state.
“While it seems like he has a healthy medical record,” the spokesman said, “he has been known to whine profusely on a daily basis and delegate shit-work to subordinates.”
After a medical assessment with the local corpsman, it’s been determined that the officer is more accustomed to frequent naps during that workday. However, Summerlin has had zero naps since his report date to the Sector.
“Also, it appears he diagnosed himself with PTSD,” the spokesman said. “It sure as shit wasn’t anyone in the Coast Guard who did.”