Hey! My cousin is in the Coast Guard, you probably know him!

Coast Guard Sector San Juan Color Guard presents the colors during the commissioning ceremony of the 18th Fast Response Cutter, the Coast Guard Cutter Joseph Tezanos, at Coast Guard Sector San Juan, Puerto Rico on August 26, 2016. The Cutter is the sixth Fast Response Cutter to be homeported in Puerto Rico. (Coast Guard photo by Eric D. Woodall)

GLOUCESTER, Mass. — Wow! You’re in the Coast Guard? That’s so cool! My cousin Mike is in the Coast Guard too. You probably know him. He’s on one of your boats in Virginia. You know, one of the big white ones.

I know right now we’re talking at a barbeque with some mutual friends at a place in Gloucester, Massachusetts, but you all know each other, I’m sure of it. You see I live in Barberton, Ohio, but when I walk into a Starbucks in another town, everyone says my name when they give me my drink. Everyone knows me!

So anyway, if you see Mike, and I’m sure you will, tell him to keep saving lives and jumping out of helicopters. That’s what all of you do right? You jump out of helicopters! You must be so exhausted from just jumping out of helicopters all the time. Did you take a helicopter to get here?

So you guys are part of the Boy Scouts though right? Someone from the Navy told me that once and I took at face value because I lack the ability to double check information, much like everything I see on Facebook and Gawker. Which I believe to be true 100% of the time.

Sweet Jesus look at the time! I must end this conversation before my brain turns to liquid and drips out my earlobe as I usually don’t do this much thinking. Anyway, keep patrolling the high seas and remember to tell Mike to take it easy.

Actually I just remembered Mike is dead. Yeah he’s dead … Never mind.

Slab Squatthrust
When I was 8 years old, my 3rd grade teacher told me I was completely useless. A waste of human space and time taken from those who actually make an effort in this world. She hated me. Well guess what Mrs. Sonderman; fuck you. I hope you die alone and angry. Wait...what am I supposed to be writing here again?