Pentagon bans Sperrys, khaki shorts, and pastel shirts for off-duty troops

THE PENTAGON — Following a recent revelation that the terrorist organization ISIS plans to target US military members, officers especially, the Department of Defense is requiring troops to choose clothing which will better blend in with the general population during off-duty hours.

In particular, DOD has banned khaki or pastel shorts for all military officers. Sperry shoes and pastel collared shirts have also been forbidden.

“This is about the safety of the force as a whole,” said Pentagon spokesman Peter Cook. “We absolutely do not want terrorists to have a clear indication of one’s military affiliation while not in uniform.”

The news was not well-received by officers across the services.

“I understand that we have to do what’s right for safety,” said 2nd Army Lt. Michael Cory. “However, if this happens I’ll literally have no clothes to wear.”

“This is one of the only things that all officers still share in common,” said Air Force Maj. Tim Kale. “I know if I see a guy with some unusually short shorts and a generic t-shirt, he is either an officer or a frat douche.”

Many female officers say they have no problem with the change due to the available options in their off-duty civilian wear.

“A push up bra is still allowed,” said one Navy officer who asked for anonymity. ”I feel bad for my gay roommate though. She’s got like one fishing shirt, but she says that’s only for when she’s in Florida.”