ARLINGTON, Va. — Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus announced plans today to replace uniforms with even worse ones, debuting the Navy’s switch to a forest camouflage pattern because ocean camouflage wasn’t dumb enough.
“We’ve heard endless complaints about the Navy Working Uniform (NWU) and we’ve decided to stop ignoring them,” Mabus said. “We’ve decided to switch from unpopular uniforms to something we’ll pretend is better. After a few years we’ll drop the act, admit it was a colossal fuck-up, and spend billions more on researching newer uniforms.”
“I want sailors to like what they’re wearing,” Mabus added. “So our new uniform creation task force will not take any input from sailors.”
In 2009, the Navy switched from utilities to the NWU. At the same time they added the official PT uniform and Service Uniform, which are also stupid.
“A few years after we mandated the NWUs we discovered they burst into flame at the slightest provocation,” Mabus said. “That was probably something we should’ve tested before requiring them to be worn by professional firefighters.”
According to Mabus, the controversy of the flammable uniforms that erupted was not surprising.
“When the news came out we pretended that was something we and already knew, and we had people say you should wear something else when fighting a fire,” Mabus said. “Expecting people to change their clothes while the ship burns showed how out of touch we are. We then backtracked and made a fire resistant uniform as a fix to the problem we said we already knew about.’
Navy leaders claim replacing one uniform with another will reduce the amount of uniforms in seabags (An unrelated investigation found that proficiency in math is not required to become a Navy leader).
When asked what the new uniforms would be like, Mabus said he was considering blue pants and a lighter blue shirt.
“Everyone will have to buy them,” he said. “But rest assured, your uniform allowance will not cover it.”
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