CARLISLE, Pa. — In an announcement that has every drill instructor and sanctimonious veteran in history absolutely apoplectic with shock, Army archivists have revealed that Lt. Andrew Rowan, the soldier who famously carried a critical message to rebel Gen.Calixto Garcia in the jungles of Cuba during the Spanish American War, was in fact a “lazy, shiftless turd.”
According to Col. Elmer “Fudd” Welsh, senior archivist for the Army’s museum at historic Carlisle Barracks and the man who discovered the formerly lost documents, Rowan was apparently “a total dirt-bag who was only chosen by President McKinley because the President fully expected the mission to be an ‘unmitigated fucking disaster.’ Thus, he asked his aide-de-camp to find him a ‘hapless patsy to pin the whole goddamn mess on, for when it surely goes south.’”
Welsh went on to explain the irony of a nation that lauded Rowan for nearly 120 years as the proverbial ‘Message To Garcia’ hero, and seminal example of perseverance, when it turns out he was actually “quite a bumbling moron.”
During the Army’s scouring of these recently discovered documents, it was revealed that Rowan himself had transcribed a personal account of the ‘adventure’ some years later. In one passage, he documented the truth behind the oft-vaunted story of his brief encounter with President McKinley, where he famously “…asked no questions, but simply carried out the deed.”
“Everyone thought I was all ‘personal initiative and shit’, but the reason I didn’t ask the President anything, was that I was hungover as hell, and I thought if I even opened my mouth, I’d vomit all over his face. So I just stood there, slowly nodding at everything he said. Besides, what was I supposed to ask him anyway? I knew it was a pointless task in the first place…it’s Cuba for Christ’s sake. Do you know how many goddamn people down there are named ‘Garcia’? I mean, I guess I could have said, ‘Gee, Mr. President, thanks for this honor. You’re like the highest-ranking Blue Falcon in history.’”
Welsh said that Rowan’s account didn’t end there. About his time on the island of Cuba, Rowan went on to say:
“So, once I got down there, I went to the first whorehouse I could find and got fully blazed. I’m definitely into Latino chicks, and my buddy Rodriguez told me they have really dank weed in Cuba, so I was all over it.”
Further admissions by Rowan detailed his actual finding of Gen. Garcia, which completely debunked the legend that he “trekked through the jungles, finally discovering Garcia in Cuba’s Oriente mountains.”
“Anyway, like one week in, I’m sitting in the parlor of this great ‘rub n’ tug’ just outside Havana, and the dude sitting next to me is this old salty lookin’ bastard, who kind of looks familiar. Well just then this hooker walks in and says, ‘Escucha me, Senior Generalisimo Garcia’ or something like that, and I thought, ‘Holy shit, I think that’s the dude!’ So, yadda yadda yadda, I hand him the letter, and boom! I’m fuckin’ famous. I stayed down there a few more weeks to check things out, see the sights, you know. Besides, I figured Washington would be suspicious if I came back too soon.”
The trove of historic documents discovered at the Carlisle archives also included Rowan’s official personnel records, which highlight the full depth of his underwhelming mediocrity. According to his final lieutenant OER, his commanding officer referred to him as the “…ultimate POG,” which to the Army’s knowledge, is the first recorded use of the term “POG.”
Sources confirmed that every single gunnery sergeant in the Marine Corps was at present losing their mind.
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