First sergeant berates kids wearing out-of-regs Army costumes

FORT BRAGG, N.C. — A typical Halloween was ruined for many children who knocked on the door of the Brooks residence Monday evening, sources told Duffel Blog.

“What do we have here?” said Gerald Brooks, greeting another group of costumed trick-or-treaters. “A princess, a werewolf, and — oh. Out-fucking-standing. More imitation soldiers.”

Witnesses say that Brooks, a first sergeant with the 82nd Airborne, gestured sternly with his “command” hand, fingers extended and joined, toward the group’s two camouflaged nine-year-olds.

“You think you can mix that uniform with that that flock-of-seagulls haircut? Not in this man’s Army, hippie. Next time go as a career that will match your hair, like McDonald’s cashier. And you. Are you seriously wearing an eight-point cover with an ACU jacket? Do you even know what branch you’re pretending to be in? No Snickers for you, Jarhead. Now get the hell off my porch.”

“This is a travesty,” Brooks fumed after the children left. “I haven’t seen a single costume that’s AR 670-1 compliant. What the hell do they think being a soldier is all about — looking cool and playing with guns?”

Over the course of the evening, numerous children in military costumes were seen being turned away from the Brooks household, in tears and without candy.

“He told me to button my pockets and blouse my boots, whatever that means,” said Toby McWatt, a confused fourth grader who went trick-or-treating as “an Army Guy.” “Then he said he wouldn’t give me candy unless I told him what unit my dad’s in.”

“He’s a poophead,” McWatt concluded.

Brooks was unmoved by objections that the children were too young to know better.

“These kids are in it for the candy the same way some recruits are just in it for the college money,” he continued. “Well, at my house, a 3 Musketeers Bar is earned, never given.”

The lack of adherence to regulations apparently did not hinder the trick-or-treaters’ ability to act tactically, however.

Sources confirmed that later that evening, a squad of camouflaged children returned to 1st Sgt. Brooks’s property, egging the house and draping the trees with toilet paper in a clandestine mission reportedly entitled “Operation Stupid Jerkface.”


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27 Comments

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  2. 1SG needs to step it up and post the photos of those kids on a stolen valor website. I wonder how many corrections he had to make for those kids having their god damn hands in their pockets. Rabble..Rabble…Rabble…

  3. Some one should tell Gerald Brooks to go to hell. I spit on his 2-dollar army and his uniform and his mom. Military guys crack me up, so tough and pretentious, feeling a sense of duty that they are protecting something greater than themselves. They feel they are protecting our “freedom” (the crap that breeds McDonalds, Black China, and Trump). The very essence of what they are protecting came knocking at his door in the form of an innocent child celebrating a popular cultural holiday (Halloween), and he still managed to act like an asshole. I have three nationalities (one of which is american, not that I am proud of it), I speak 5 languages fluently, and I have lived in many countries, and I can tell you: if he was in any other country, ten guys would have sent him to the hospital. It’s ok, he’s probably so uptight because he has a complex about his small penis. haha

    • Are you retarded or just a Clinton supporter? You realize this is entire website is satire right? You claim to speak five languages do you know the definition of the word parody? Delete your comment you are embarrassing yourself. You are American but claim to not be proud of it. Believe me, NO ONE is proud that you can claim to be American. This goes to show education does not equal intellect.

      • haha, I am not retarded, nor am I a Clinton supporter, and I am definitely not a Trump supporter, though I can tell you are the latter. I didn’t know it is a satire website though you are right. Incredibly low IQ? Loser, I went to Chicago University and got a degree in finance. Where did you grow up, in Kentucky with your over-affectionate mother?

        • LOL, whom are you trying to impress with your degree? But I mean, if that’s the route you want to take, sure… I have a degree from MIT, as well as a CFA, and a master’s in law from another country. And what’s funny, a few years ago I actually was an “military guy”, protecting our freedom. One of the side effects of this freedom, unfortunately, is that sometimes it breeds crap like you.

          Obviously, you haven’t been to the military… (and I’m guessing nor have you ever done anything for your country… I mean the US, since you say you have 3), that’s why you didn’t have common sense to understand this is a satire article. You have no right to disrespect (and actually have an opinion on) anything that you were not a part of. You should not be talking here.

          • Hi Pete, I was actually not trying to impress anyone (truly). I was simply trying to reply to Sammy’s shitty “Low IQ” message earlier. The truth is english is not my first language and I didn’t understand it was satire immediately. At least I was honest about it, and then laughed it off. There are many better schools than Chicago University (correction to the guy above: University of Chicago, haha) such as your school. MIT is a great school. Good for you. Crap like me? What is that, international successful multilingual cosmopolitan Americans? The beauty of this website is that I can “butt heads” with assholes just to vent and laugh, and make the ridiculousness of certain issues a bit more obvious. You can go fuck yourself if you think I don’t have the right to disrespect, or have an opinion of, the army just because I haven’t served. I have friends in the air force, the navy, and even one friend who is a navy seal, and the one thing they have in common is their blind allegiance, obnoxious self-righteous sense of duty, because they defend America and her freedoms and yet they know nothing of the rest of the world, or some of the ways the US has negatively affected many countries. They’re really nice guys, but they’re just too….”American”. But you probably don’t understand my perspective given that you know nothing else. You have no right to talk here.

          • Dude, I can assure you, I understand your perspective very well. English isn’t my first language, either, I brought my family to the US during my mid-20s. And I didn’t grow up in a rich or a democratic (or an English-speaking) country… So, unlike your buddies, I have seen the other parts of the world, and I know first-hand that nothing beats the American way of life. Tell about the “negative American ways” to an Afghani girl whose dad dumped a few liters of boiling water on her as a punishment. Or to the Russian journalist who died after police tortured him, including by shoving a champagne bottle in his rectum. Or to slaves who are still abundant in many countries, being treated and killed like animals…
            You’re only seeing McDonalds, Black China and Trump, but those are merely side effects. I hope you’ll take a deeper look and see that America’s “ratio of good to bad” is by far the highest in the world. Sometimes, probably often, unsavory politicians abuse American values to advance their own interests, but it doesn’t make these values any less important or worthy.

          • Hi Pete, yes, you are right, those are some serious issues and human rights violations in those countries and they do not have the political, legal or social infrastructure to deter that kind of behavior. I might also bring your attention to the fact that gay rights don’t exist in Russia or stoning still exists in Saudi Arabia or Israel’s systematic genocide and abuse of Palestinians. Yes many countries have their issues and I appreciate your opinion that the “ratio of good to bad” is the highest in America however it is not true. I lived in America for 7 years and spent most of my life visiting all my family who live there, and I must say: I don’t agree with you at all. What makes America great is the fact that a bunch of nationalities follow a great constitution with good, strong, basic values. However they’re not unique. You think people in Greece and France or India or Japan don’t have free speech or freedom. It’s not unique and americans like to brag it is unique but it is not, it is just much more obvious in the US. However, honestly America has a lot of problems: HUGE income inequality, SHITTY AND SUPER EXPENSIVE health insurance (unfortunately a counter part to very good doctors who make 2 million USD a year), SUPER EXPENSIVE education that sticks people with debt till they die, the goverment and the police are generally….feared. There is a sense that everyone is afraid to raise their voices for fear of being jailed, sued, shot, whatever…. Also, there is SO MUCH racism. For a country that prides itself on the diversity of nationalities, the so-called “melting-pot” is boiling over. Blacks are getting shot, whites resent mexicans, latinos resent WASPs, whites resent blacks, and blacks resent whites, jews control everything and no one is noticing all the power they are accumulating because they only help each other and then influence the government to send young kids to destabilize Muslim nations that not America’s bitch (Saudi Arabia, the most strict Muslim country and biggest human rights violators, don’t get harmed, but saddam hussein and Qaddafi got killed) and all to support a small “democratic and equally religious” country in the middle east (yes, I am talking about he cancer of the world, Israel) . Unfortunatily there is so much racism in America. If you look at countries like the UK, Greece, Finland, etc, education shouldn’t cost so much, healthcare should be free or very easily accessible (it is a basic human right, and the capitalism of America hasn’t completely skewed the curve). Anyway, I apologize for ranting, but I was simply trying to say that I once lived in America and only wanted to live there. Now I live in Bucharest Romania. I make more than I ever would in NY, I have a better QUALITY OF LIFE, and I would find it hard to go back to a country that, if I don’t have the best skin color, degree, credit rating, and a very high income, I will end up living a mediocre life with little opportunities to move upward. The idea of the US is beautiful. I admit that. But it really is no longer like that and the american dream no longer exists. It’s gotten fucked by capitalism and big corporations. Now I believe it’s an oligarchy (http://www.bbc.com/news/blogs-echochambers-27074746)

        • pbouri – Too bad “Chicago University” didn’t teach you to recognize satire. I attended a tiny land-grant university in Southern Oklahoma and it was immediately apparent to me this was satire. I suggest you request a refund.
          By the way, you should know Google Search and Bing offer zero results for “Chicago University” searches. There is, of course, the University of Chicago and Chicago State University, but no “Chicago University”. Next time, when you try to toss out impressive sounding but imaginary education, check Google before you start typing.

          • Hey SamM, seriously? University of Chicago = Chicago University. Same thing and I have been saying it for years now. Doesn’t mean it’s not true. I was not saying it to sound impressive, I was saying it simply to reply to Sammy’s shitty “low IQ” comment above. I am glad it was immediately apparent to you this was satire, but english is not my first language, and I didn’t understand it immediately, and I was honest enough to mention it. But whatever…

          • Yes, seriously. And to drive home my point, there is no such thing as “Chicago University” and no one calls it that. It is the equivalent of saying “I went to the University of Harvard”, which doesn’t exist either. I included that little nugget about Harvard just in case you were thinking of invoking that institution’s name the next time you feel the need to inflate your online credentials to prove you’re better than everyone else.

            Attaining a level of education doesn’t necessarily rule out the possibility you are a moron, it just makes it somewhat less likely.

            Your insulting and demeaning rhetoric clearly indicates you have a very clear understanding of the English language and the articles here don’t rely on nuance, so pardon me if I don’t believe you when you excuse your inability to grasp satire by claiming “English is not my first language”.

            You are, in military terms, “that guy” but don’t trouble yourself to figure out what that means, it’s a term unique to the culture you insulted but clearly have absolutely no knowledge of whatsoever.

            In closing, I’ll use a quote frequently and probably erroneously attributed to either Mark Twain or Abraham Lincoln: “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt”.
            You didn’t have to say anything at all about something you knew nothing about but you did, and here we are.

          • I wasn’t inflating my credentials to prove I am better than everyone else but simply stating it because it was the truth. I definitely do not believe I am better than everyone else, so you can relax, because I am aware it is not true and I wasn’t raised that way. I was simply stating the university I went to to prove that I am not a complete moron (though you believe I am) and have a certain level of education. Yes, saying the University of Harvard sounds weird, but when I tell people in Europe I went to University of Chicago or Chicago University, it’s the same damn thing, and I never gave it much thought. I am aware the official name is University of Chicago. And by the way, I don’t give a shit whether you believe me or not army boy, my first language is French, my second language is Greek, and my third is English. That’s a fact. Yes, I speak english well, but still not better than the other two. Whether you believe me or not is irrelevant and to be honest, my “insulting and demeaning rhetoric” was a reply to my thoughts on the military in general, the single-minded followers who serve, and on Sammy earlier saying I have a “low IQ”. I get it, it’s easy for you all to assume I am a moron because I didn’t immediately understand it was a satire website (partly because english is not my first language and the first time I read that article was the first time I visited the website) but I am not and I have to adopt a defensive stance against single-minded, single-cultured assholes who have no idea about the world and honestly act rudely when I expressed my opinion about a damn article I didn’t know was a satire. Also, please don’t spew military terms at me. I disgusts me. I am sorry if you aren’t open enough to respect someone who has a different opinion. Thanks for the quote, I am sure you felt very smart bringing it up, but there is no need to stay silent or doubt to remove. I have the right to say anything I want (your beautiful first amendment that you think exists but actually is so restricted in your “police state” that if you say anything relatively offensive, you get in trouble) and you have the right to as well, though I would prefer if you didn’t revert with your self-righteous crusade because I can’t waste any more time on this damn conversation that has escalated so ridiculously that we have both wasted time on each other.

          • No University of Chicago and Chicago University are not the same thing- for example 1 is real and 1 isn’t. Let’s review so far- 1. you got really mad at a satire article 2. you are a bigot (Jew comment) 3. You lied about your education the more you type the more I think you are a Clinton supporter.

            PS- selling mobile phone plans at a strip mall in Sycamore city is probably the best job you’ll ever get so hop to it.

        • If you paid any $$ for that “education”, sue for a refund because you got ripped off. You could have saved that $$$ and still been a moron.

          • You’re right Jay, I did pay a shitload for that education and in the end it did its’ job: it got me a decent job, so I don’t see myself as getting ripped off. If you think I am a moron because of some stupid article on some website that no one visits, you haven’t met real morons. At least I was honest about it. In either case, you can go fuck yourself.

        • Oh my, Chicago University aren’t you impressive. And a degree in finance- Wow super special. I bet the women just flock to you. Finance degree from Chicago University you could be a manager at Burger King with that academic background.

          pssstttt It is University of Chicago there numbnutz. I think Chicago University is one of those made up diploma mills. U goofy kid

          • Haha, I guess “goofy kid” is your “go-to” insult. Seriously, everyone is getting stuck on the fact that I said Chicago University instead of University of Chicago. Dude, get over it, keep on believing it’s made up, I actually don’t care. Good thing I live in Romania and we don’t have Burger King. We don’t eat shit food like that for breakfast, lunch and dinner like you Trump-lovers do. haha.

    • My god, you are a moron. You thought this was serious. Never been military, have ya? You must be all smart and stuff, pbouri.

    • One of the best parts of this site (and the onion) is tools like this who can’t tell this is satire. Bonus points for him then telling us to how smart he is… and newsflash buddy, the military IS protecting your “freedom”. That freedom includes the freedom to renounce your citizenship and move elsewhere… I hear Syria has a shortage of village idiots. With your “skills”, you would obviously qualify. Let us laugh at ourselves in peace.

      • Hey Snuffy, first of all the only tool is the dumbass that thinks he is free in America. Village idiots such as those can’t be convinced otherwise and they’re probably the biggest Trump supporters. Second of all, anyone is free to renounce their nationality, it’s not exactly a privilege. I wouldn’t mind renouncing my citizenship if it wasn’t for the Jews running the damn country and forcing me to pay a shitload of money before I do so. At least I’ve been to Syria Snuffy, where’s the farthest you’ve been, Kentucky?

        • Pbouri I love that you don’t even have the integrity to address the fact that you thought this was a real article and it caused you to get so upset that you threw a lil temper tantrum. You just skipped right over that didn’t you Nancy? And the whole Jews comment you made is just pathetic. You’ve been to Syria? Wow aren’t you cool! lol U goofy kid.

          • TriggerPullerUSMC, I had the integrity and honesty to address it and you clearly didn’t read the previous messages. Anyway, temper tantrum is a bit too much…I would call it “enjoying my free time by instigating fucking losers such as yourself”. I can see it got to you. I am glad. Who gives a shit what you think is pathetic? No one. That may be what you think, but I guarantee you it’s true, and if it bothered you, even better. I am glad you think your sarcasm gets to me, at least I can imagine it’s much better than any place you’ve ever been. Lol you silly boy.

    • You do understand that this isn’t a real story, right? It’s meant to be funny. It succeeded.

  4. When I was a kid if someone was that nasty to trick or treaters they would have gotten a brown bag full of poo and tar set on fire.

  5. On a plus side, which went utterly unreported in this story, the tactical action of egging and TPing was conducted in an utterly professional and proficient manner.

  6. Last time this old Drill Sergeant corrected any right rats they pissed on my porch. Bunch of pansy asses.

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