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First sergeant berates kids wearing out-of-regs Army costumes

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Photo Credit: Duffel Blog/Flickr/manhhai

FORT BRAGG, N.C. — A typical Halloween was ruined for many children who knocked on the door of the Brooks residence Monday evening, sources told Duffel Blog.

“What do we have here?” said Gerald Brooks, greeting another group of costumed trick-or-treaters. “A princess, a werewolf, and — oh. Out-fucking-standing. More imitation soldiers.”

Witnesses say that Brooks, a first sergeant with the 82nd Airborne, gestured sternly with his “command” hand, fingers extended and joined, toward the group’s two camouflaged nine-year-olds.

“You think you can mix that uniform with that that flock-of-seagulls haircut? Not in this man’s Army, hippie. Next time go as a career that will match your hair, like McDonald’s cashier. And you. Are you seriously wearing an eight-point cover with an ACU jacket? Do you even know what branch you’re pretending to be in? No Snickers for you, Jarhead. Now get the hell off my porch.”

“This is a travesty,” Brooks fumed after the children left. “I haven’t seen a single costume that’s AR 670-1 compliant. What the hell do they think being a soldier is all about — looking cool and playing with guns?”

Over the course of the evening, numerous children in military costumes were seen being turned away from the Brooks household, in tears and without candy.

“He told me to button my pockets and blouse my boots, whatever that means,” said Toby McWatt, a confused fourth grader who went trick-or-treating as “an Army Guy.” “Then he said he wouldn’t give me candy unless I told him what unit my dad’s in.”

“He’s a poophead,” McWatt concluded.

Brooks was unmoved by objections that the children were too young to know better.

“These kids are in it for the candy the same way some recruits are just in it for the college money,” he continued. “Well, at my house, a 3 Musketeers Bar is earned, never given.”

The lack of adherence to regulations apparently did not hinder the trick-or-treaters’ ability to act tactically, however.

Sources confirmed that later that evening, a squad of camouflaged children returned to 1st Sgt. Brooks’s property, egging the house and draping the trees with toilet paper in a clandestine mission reportedly entitled “Operation Stupid Jerkface.”

Zach is out there. He can't be bargained with. He can't be reasoned with. He doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear — only patriotism. His existing power cell can run on one tube of MRE peanut butter a week.

Army

Cleveland Browns relieve 1st SFAB in Afghanistan

“Oh, thank God,” said Brig. Gen. Scott Jackson, the outgoing commander of 1st SFAB.

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KABUL, Afghanistan — The Cleveland Browns relieved the 1st Security Force Assistance Brigade of its mission of training Afghan security forces under Operation Resolute Support, a spokesperson for U.S. Forces – Afghanistan announced today.

The Browns, who until Thursday had not won a football game since Dec. 24, 2016, arrived in Afghanistan on Saturday for a seven-month tour.

“These boys certainly know a thing or two about winning,” said Lt. Gen. Austin Miller, the senior U.S. commander in Afghanistan. “I can’t wait for them to show these Afghans how it’s done after 17 years [of not winning].”

The Browns take over a mission to train, advise, and assist Afghan military and police units, which will now fall under the purview of Cleveland Browns head coach Hue Jackson.

“Oh, thank God,” said Brig. Gen. Scott Jackson, the outgoing commander of 1st SFAB.

The effects of an all-volunteer, professional football-playing force were immediately felt, according to defense officials, with particular praise given to the Browns’ rejuvenated offense and downfield aerial attack with quarterback Baker Mayfield under center.

“He’s certainly better than Tyrod Taylor,” said Cpl. Steve Higgins, a native of Twinsburg, Ohio.

Still, Mayfield, selected first-overall in the 2018 NFL Draft, was later sacked for a complete loss after a Taliban sympathizer slipped past his offensive line on Sunday.

“It’s critical for us to protect the quarterback, and there’s really no excuse for what happened out there today,” said Jackson.

The Browns suffered additional casualties after a reconnaissance team was struck by an improvised explosive device. Two players have been placed into the NFL’s concussion protocol and will not be expected to patrol next week, while the other three have been placed on Injured Reserve for the remainder of their lives.

“We can always improve on special teams,” admitted Jackson.

Moreover, the Browns’ leading wideout, Jarvis Landry, has been suspended for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy after indulging in a Hemland Steamer.

“What’s a Hemland Steamer, you ask?” said Jackson. “It’s basically where you pack a fat lip, snort a line of pre-workout, and then insert a Rip-It-soaked tampon in your rectal cavity.”

“I hear it’s very popular with the Marines,” he added.

Despite the initial challenges and hurdles the Browns have faced since taking over security and supporting a self-sufficient Afghan populace, leadership is cautiously optimistic.

“We’re very hopeful that we can get at least a first-round and a second-round draft pick out of our losses,” said Jimmy Haslam, the Browns owner. “Even if it means sacrificing everything.”

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‘War (What is it good for)’ singer admits war actually quite good for boosting economy, creating jobs

He admitted in his private notes that there were some technical inaccuracies in the lyrics.

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LONDON — Nearly 50 years after the release of his counterculture number one hit “War (What is it good for),” unearthed notes from singer Edwin Starr’s estate reveal that he actually believed war was “quite good” for boosting the economy and creating jobs, sources confirmed today.

Although the song, written by Norman Whitfield and Barrett Strong in 1969, was one of the most popular anti-Vietnam War songs of the era, Starr admitted in his private notes that there were some technical inaccuracies in the lyrics.

“While there are certainly many aspects of war I don’t like, my initial assessment that it is good for ‘absolutely nothing’ was a bit misguided,” Starr, who died in 2003, wrote in his personal diary. “I now realize that, despite war’s shortcomings, it plays a vital role in the economics of our country.”

Starr’s diary went on to say that when he initially performed the song in 1970, statistical data about job creation in the defense industry was not yet available. Nowadays, he said, defense giants like Lockheed Martin and Raytheon provide stable, well-paying jobs to thousands of Americans across the country.

“I’m still totally against the whole ‘death and destruction’ part of war, but from a commercial point of view it kind of makes sense,” the diary went on. “I would never have had the success I had if it weren’t for war.”

His diary went on to reveal more verses to the song that expand upon the various fiscal benefits of war which did not make the final cut.

“It ain’t nothin’ but a heart breaker,” goes the second verse, “but it is quite effective at reducing the bottleneck in entry-level civilian employment, oh-oo-oh yeah.”

“Lord knows there’s got to be a better way, whoa-oo-whoa, ya’ll,” Starr sings at the end of the song. “But, for now, war seems to lead to technological innovation and a sense of national unity and community involvement unequalled during most other periods in our history, good Lord, yeah.”

Dirty contributed reporting.

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Army

Former PT stud now lives in barn

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CLARKSBURG, W. Va. — A retired 82nd Airborne soldier who was once known for having the fastest two-mile run time in his battalion currently lives in a barn, horses confirmed today.

Thomas Chatterton, 32, of Clarksburg, entered basic training at Fort Benning in 2004, where instructors quickly noticed his speed and endurance on the track, said one horse who lives in the barn with Chatterton.

“We do three things around here. We run fast, eat oats, and we piss all over the floor. Anyone who wants to be a part of that, well, we’re happy to have you! Damn happy! We certainly don’t discriminate based on race, gender, orientation, or ability to take shits so big that a team of professionals has to come clean them up with snow shovels,” he said.

Chatterton got serious about running in middle school and remained dedicated in high school, according to his mother.

“Tommy was always a fast kid,” said Wendy Chatterton. “His 1600-meter time is still the state record for boys under 14. He went through the usual phases high school boys go through, you know. He grew his hair out into an enormous tail he could flap at flies, he slept standing up.”

She added: “I have to admit, though, we were somewhat surprised when he began soiling his pants wherever he was standing.”

Horses claim that Chatterton’s dedication has inspired them to be better competitors on the track.

“Tom’s an athlete through and through. Incredible focus,” said one horse who has raced with Chatterton. “Back at the barn, he’s the nicest guy you’ve ever met. But, the moment that gun goes off and all the other horses blow immediately past him, he’s all business.”

At 32 years old, Chatterton is a bit of an anomaly on the track, according to Crackling Thunder, a gray-spotted horse. Especially, he said, after a horrific trampling accident that occurred last year.

“The average life-span of a horse is about 25-30 years, so Tom’s really got guts to be mixing it up with these younger studs,” Thunder told reporters. “We take injuries pretty seriously here. They can mean life or death. After he got trampled that last time, I knew he was having some second thoughts.”

Video of the incident, which happened at the Hollywood Casino’s Charles Town Race Track near Charles Town, West Virginia, gained popularity after airing on America’s Funniest Home Videos, said one horse who was there.

“Oh, it was awful,” he said. “Here’s a competitor who only draws breath out of the love of the sport, and these jackals are putting slide whistle and boing-boing sound effects on the video of him getting trampled by 16 race horses charging at full speed? It makes me sick.”

Horses say that Chatterton wasn’t fazed by the incident, though, and his recovery has gone well.

Although he declined to speak to Duffel Blog reporters for this article, he did release a statement through his trainer, telling fans that any paper mail they send him is usually eaten or used as bedding by other horses.

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Army

Wow! This man was born on 9/11 and gets to fight in the same war it inspired

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KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — Not every soldier is as lucky as Pvt. Jesse Butler, who just signed his enlistment papers on his 17th birthday and will get the opportunity to fight in the same war that the Sept. 11, 2001 terrorist attacks inspired.

Although Butler came into the world on a terrible day in U.S. history, he’s thanking his lucky stars today that he has the privilege of avenging that attack just like thousands of others that came before and after him.

“I’m really thankful for people like Jesse who are stepping up to serve this country at a time of war,” said Sgt. 1st Class Elon Rodriguez, his recruiter. “And in his specific case, the war is the same one he’s known his whole life.”

Butler will soon ship off to Army basic training where he’ll get physically fit and learn all kinds of skills that will serve him well in Afghanistan, which the U.S. has been fighting in since before people knew what an Apple iPod was.

(Although the “classic” Apple iPod was discontinued in 2014, the obsolete War in Afghanistan continued its production run to the present day).

Sources say it’s possible that Butler may be sent to Kandahar, where his father once served, or to Bagram, where his older brother is currently deployed.

Butler has told reporters he can’t wait to pass on his knowledge of the country and how to fight the Taliban to his own sons.

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Deeply-broken Major looks forward to mentoring high-functioning Captains

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FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Army Maj. Greg Jordan, a twice-divorced functional alcoholic serving as the executive officer of the 39th Special Troops Battalion, is really looking forward to mentoring the two new high-functioning Captains assigned to the unit, sources confirmed today.

“I’ve been watching them, trying to make a careful consideration of where I can be of the most use of a mentor, and I think my job’s going to be easy,” said Jordan over a bottle of Military Special brand scotch in the apartment he never really furnished after his last wife left him.

“Take [Ryan] Cooper. On paper, he looks good. But I just heard him say, ‘this white paper that’s due tomorrow is an 80% solution, but getting it to 100% isn’t possible in the time. I’m going to go home and take the kids for a while so my wife can get a break.’ Yeah. Seriously. I’d still be at work right now. I’ll pull him out of PT tomorrow and talk to him.”

Capts. Cooper and Kelsey Wheatly spoke to reporters about their new rater on a recent interval run they planned after finding the pace on the unit run too slow to be challenging. “He really cares about mentorship,” Wheatly said of the major. “So much that he’ll pull you away from giving clear guidance to your subordinates so that he can tell you a story about when he was a captain.”

Cooper added, laughingly: “It’s fun because sometimes his stories last two hours and have no point to them. We call it ‘torMentorship.”

Jordan is excited to introduce a book list to his unit, mostly consisting of books he’s never read but saw on another list while roughly half are books he was assigned in intermediate-level education Army schoolhouses have long ago moved on from. None of the books are specifically applicable to the work the unit is doing or trying to do, but the mandatory meetings will be scheduled during the company training meetings his captains were planning on supporting.

If all goes well, Jordan plans to expand his mentorship by finding unit time to have the battalion’s toxic sergeant major mentor the highest performing sergeants.

“The Army is full of toxic leaders, but I can control the people I lead,” said Jordan. “You want to hear about toxic leaders, I should tell you about this major I worked for in Grafenwhoer. We were prepping to go out into the field, and…”

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Air Force

Nike apologizes for forgetting military monopoly on sacrifice

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BEAVERTON, Ore. — Nike has issued a public apology to the military community after creating an advertisement featuring the text “Believe in something. Even if it means sacrificing everything,” over a picture of a football player who is not a military veteran, sources confirmed today.

“We completely forgot that the only sacrifice that means anything is that of our brave men and women in uniform,” Nike CEO Mark Parker wrote in a tweet on Thursday, days after a backlash erupted over an ad campaign that featured Colin Kaepernick.

“I failed to remember that until I saw a meme where conservatives appropriated the image of fallen warrior Pat Tillman’s face in our ad instead of Kaepernick’s. It highlighted how mutually exclusive their two sacrifices are and emphasized the military monopoly on sacrifice.”

When reached for further comment, Parker also cited the success of images and videos on social media protesting Nike’s ad by showing service members cutting the Nike swoosh logo off their apparel.

“It’s a well-known fact that companies can’t bear to watch customers disrespect their symbol,” he told reporters. “To put it into perspective, it’s almost as painful for us to witness as it is for others to see someone kneel during the national anthem.”

Parker followed up with another tweet after his original apology was well received.

“Thank you for leveraging the image of a deceased hero to remind Nike and its leadership of the only manifestation of bravery and expression of patriotism, which is service in the armed forces. I’m sure Corporal Tillman would appreciate you speaking up on his behalf in a hotly debated topic like this.”

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Army

‘Trust me on Afghanistan’, says man no one trusts

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Army

Dishonor Flight brings veterans back to the bar tabs they never settled

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WASHINGTON — An innovative new veteran’s non-profit is using private donations and support from several national airlines to reunite veterans with the shady shit they did in the past in their final days, sources confirmed today.

The program, called Dishonor Flight, has now helped more than 200 World War II veterans get back to the bar tabs they walked out on and women they lied to in order to sleep with.

“It was so inspirational,” said Kaycee Spisak, a flight attendant for Southwest Airlines who volunteered during a Dishonor Flight coming in from Duluth, Iowa. “These brave veterans, mostly in wheelchairs, were greeted by literally dozens of bartenders, bookies, pimps and landlords. That kind of passion is really inspiring.”

Dishonor Flight was off to a shaky start after several older veteran service organizations like the U.S.O. and Honor Flight refused to support the cause.

“I’m glad I did it,” said Battle of the Bulge Veteran Edwin Puller. “I heard about that Honor Flight, but it’s not worth missing 60 Minutes to see a duck pond in D.C. a bunch of no-good politicians built. But when Dishonor Flight called and reminded me I never settled up with my landlord at Camp Lewis when I left in ‘42, I got a good chuckle out of that. Good luck outliving me, chumps.”

Puller was shocked and surprised when not only his landlord, but a card shark and phony life insurance salesman were there to greet him, too.

“I wanted my grandchildren to see this. Grandpa went for one wild ride in ’42. After all the issued benzos and PX beer I’d roll into town and get deep into USO bitches. I’m surprised these are the only people I owe money. They must not know about the jazz clubs I snuck into.”

The Dishonor Flight ended with the old veterans and retired creditors kicking back some shots, reliving old times, and pointing out the errors in Band of Brothers.

Dishonor Flight plans to expand in the near future to set up flights to help Vietnam vets meet their middle-aged kids in Saigon and smoke a joint together, according to officials.

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