RAQQA, Syria — The Islamic State’s (ISIS) attempt to duplicate the famous “Men Who Stare At Goats” experiment has been abandoned after numerous sexual harassment allegations were raised against the participants, sources say.
The experiment, initially designed to test soldiers’ psychic power, quickly devolved as the staring turned into lewd and often physical encounters. Herders say the harassment continued even after ISIS made it mandatory for all goats to wear burqas.
“They kept using that word ‘stare.’ I do not think it means what they think it means,” said Malik Abbas, a herder whose goats took part in the program. “I look away for five seconds and those perverts were stuffing Mr. Whiskers like a piñata.”
ISIS leadership claims everything its soldiers did with the goats was well within the organization’s customs, and those who complained were being “too sensitive.”
“Our unit was 100 percent complete on SHARP training, so that means sexual harassment didn’t happen,” said Bovid Victim Advocate, Hafez Hammar. “We even hired a bunch of American generals with lots of sexual harassment experience to investigate. They said there was nothing going on that they haven’t done themselves.”
The termination of the program has left many goats out of work. Some cannot return to their herds, as their passports have been revoked due to their affiliation with the terrorist group. This has left them no choice but to work for tips in the “staring rooms” at ISIS Gentlemen’s Clubs.
“Unfortunately, we couldn’t have ‘champagne rooms’ because alcohol is illegal,” said Hammar. “But it’s been a blessing in disguise. Just half a bale of hay gets you 30 minutes. Which is nice, because we spent the last of our money trying to fix the piece of shit American Humvees we stole from the Iraqis.”