THE PENTAGON — Following the Navy’s unpopular decision last month to end the rating system that has identified sailors by their functional job, branch leadership is reportedly shocked to learn sailors are not total morons who will immediately embrace an idea killing a 200-year-old tradition.
“We figured that once we made our decision, the fleet would simply shut up and color,” said Cmdr. Marco Guevara, a Navy spokesperson. “Not because we think sailors are disciplined professionals who follow the chain of command, but really because we assumed they’re all too dumb to know that we think they’re idiots and we like to fuck with them.”
According to sources, the Secretary of the Navy’s staff was surprised not only by the overwhelming backlash that erupted by the loss of terms such as “yeoman,” “fireman,” and “corpsman” in both traditional and social media, but when they learned of a White House petition against the move that had garnered nearly 100,000 signatures, Secretary Ray Mabus reportedly remarked, “Wow, maybe sailors aren’t mindless robots who will blindly accept any cock and bull story we feed them.”
When asked what the actual reason behind the change was, Guevara told reporters: “Obviously, our primary job here on the Secretary of the Navy’s staff is to really shit on the fleet’s morale. Well, over the years, we’ve learned that one of the best ways to accomplish that is by making sweeping changes to long-held Navy customs. In doing so, you really strip sailors of any sense of tradition and belonging they may have.”
Sources indicate that Navy leadership was really hopeful this plan would go through unimpeded. Additionally, it was reported that they felt this one was “a real twofer” and “a humdinger of a way to mess with sailors and tell them how to think all at the same time.”
“We were able to cram it down their throats under the guise of making the fleet more ‘progressive’ and ‘inclusive’, which come on, nobody is stupid enough to argue against these days,” Guevara said.
However, when pressed on that issue, specifically given the fact that female sailors have roundly rejected the decision, Guevara bucked such critiques.
“If you think we think sailors are dumb, well, let me tell you: we really think female sailors are dumb,” he said. “Look, maybe most of them don’t mind, don’t even care, or don’t want to buck this tradition, but we were confident that in this case, we could assure them that the word ‘man’ was such a micro-aggression, that female sailors didn’t even know they were being oppressed. And, hell, that’s the real beauty of it; we could convince them that they need us to tell them how they feel.”
At press time, the Navy was apparently “extremely jealous” of the Army’s recent move to demand its soldiers repay bonuses they were promised.
“Wow, what a kick-ass way to fuck with your people. Wish we’d thought of that,” Secretary Mabus said.