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Coast Guard confirms new icebreaker will be ready just in time for Hell to freeze over


CENTER OF DIS, HELL — With three icebreakers at over 40 years of use and abuse in the Polar Regions, the Coast Guard finally announced that the new icebreaker currently under construction will be complete just in time for Hell to freeze over.

In a recent hearing of the House Subcommittee on the Coast Guard on Monday, chairman Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-Calif.) asked U.S. Coast Guard vice commandant Adm. Charles D. Michel on whether or not a new icebreaker would be constructed at all. Adm. Michel responded with, “Yes, we have been in talks with Lucifer and his Minions of Doom regarding the deadline and we are all in agreement that this timeline works for us.”

“This is very exciting,” said former serial killer Ted Bundy, from the the Seventh Circle of Hell. “Our all-knowing and gloriously hateful lord of fire will be able to continue his reign of sin on the unholy all thanks to the speedy manufacturing of Vigor Industrial Shipyard and the US Coast Guard.”

Currently, the U.S. Senate is planning $1 billion in funding for new heavy icebreaker, Michel said, which was negotiated after a lengthy meeting with the Satanic Council of Wrath and Treachery.

“With this kind of budget, we’ll be able to complete up to three new icebreakers to plow the lakes of fire,” Michel said. When asked why the USCG would need more than one icebreaker before the end of days, Adm. Michel answered: “Coast Guard requires at least three in its fleet, but considering the ice caps are melting, we’re not in too much of a rush.”

Shipping and budget experts suggested the Coast Guard consider leasing their icebreakers to Satan’s legions to help alleviate finances and push better public relations.

“As much as I love torturing the souls of the damned and burning alive countless politicians, gun lobbyists, and Army advertising executives,” said the arch-demon Minos, Judger of Sinners, “I can’t wait for the big-red-tub-of-fun to plow through the frozen lake of Cocytus in the Ninth Circle of Hell. It’s gonna be so cool.”

When asked for a statement, the arch-traitor Lucifer howled in the voices of a billion sinners, spread his wings, and spewed lava vomit into the sky before heading back onto the campaign trail.

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