THE PENTAGON — The Air Force quietly announced on Sunday that it had placed an order with Lockheed for a new $546 billion-dollar, 7th-generation bomber aircraft, tentatively called the Lightning Hammer Thunderbolt III.
“It’s not that we don’t appreciate the fiscal constraints placed upon the military during this time of tightening budgets, it’s just that we don’t care,” said Col. Mark Turner, a spokesman for the Air Force.
Turner went on to explain that the new aircraft has been promised to be completely invisible to radar and all other forms of current and future detection equipment, will be capable of circling the Earth three times without having to refuel, and will also be able to perform close-air support missions, finally killing the A-10 program — all without the use of a human pilot.
Sources say all of these high-tech features will be available in the aircraft once it’s fully developed, produced, and put into the field using the Pentagon’s sophisticated procurement process, which is estimated to take about 38 years and $24 trillion more than what will be originally budgeted.
Lawmakers on both sides of the aisle were supportive of the purchase.
“This globe-trotting aerial colossus is guaranteed to keep us ahead of the Chinese for at least the next 8 years, until they inevitably steal the plans and develop their own version at a fraction of the cost. Not ordering it would be tantamount to treason,” said Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-Calif.), whose state will benefit from three new production plants assembling the wings, cockpit, and landing gear for the bomber, once they’re designed by a 37 separate contractors in 23 other states.
“At first I was skeptical of the price tag, since it’s almost the entire military budget, but once I received a briefing from the Lockheed sales team about the threats China and Russia pose to our great nation, I realized this new aircraft was an absolute necessity,” added House Representative Mac Thornberry (R-Texas), a member of the Armed Services Committee whose district will be directly involved in the construction of the new aircraft’s fuselage.
Turner ended the press conference stating that top Air Force officials were very satisfied with the purchase, and excited to see the actual designs once payments had been finalized.