UNDERGROUND BUNKER, SOMEWHERE IN IDAHO — After the stunning conclusion of the presidential election on Tuesday, doomsday prepper Eric Hicks has a surplus of ammunition and no apocalypse to shoot at, sources confirmed.
On Wednesday, Hicks disappointingly awoke to an America not being overrun with transgender communists, goose-stepping femnazis, or invading UN troops dressed in pantsuits. From a coffee table constructed of 7.62×51 NATO ammo crates, Hicks openly pondered what he was supposed to do now.
“I thought we’d be under that Sharia law already,” he said. “I spent election night wrapping a baseball bat with barbed wire for goodness sake.”
With Starbucks still open on every corner, Hicks lamented pouring his life savings into MRE cheese and shelf-stable bread. He also noted the local pizza delivery guy didn’t accept payment in .22 long rifle.
“I’ve got an entire room filled with AR-15 lowers,” said Hicks. “What the hell am I supposed to do with all that?”
At press time, Mr Hicks was on his way to the Gas-N-Sip to ask for his old job back.