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Election Day early-voting polls show ‘Asteroid’ leading with military voters

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PENTAGON — Early-voting and exit polls of military service members on Tuesday show that Asteroid is leading in key battleground states.

As millions of Americans head to the polls to cast their ballot for Republican Donald Trump, Democrat Hillary Clinton, or third-party candidate Kill Me Now, many troops are overwhelmingly supporting Asteroid as a write-in candidate who will best serve their interests.

“I absolutely support Asteroid crashing into Earth over these two dipshits,” said Spc. Franklin Eagerton, an Army infantryman stationed in Fayetteville, N.C. Though he told reporters he was “100% behind” Asteroid, it wasn’t clear whether he was just using a metaphor of “crashing into Earth,” since there is often double-meaning in political phrases.

According to sources, Asteroid — who, despite his popularity, has so far not made an appearance this election cycle — supports an aggressive foreign and domestic policy, universal healthcare (especially the use of  ‘Death Panels‘ to lower costs), and the widespread use of nuclear weapons against America’s enemies.

Pollsters believe Asteroid resonates with young military voters as his platform parallels their deep-rooted desire to form marauding gangs who would rule over the ashes of the nation as despotic warlords.

Critics of Asteroid claim that voting for the write-in candidate would lead to a worldwide catastrophe, but supporters have pointed out the same could be said of a President Trump or Clinton.

Lee Ho Fuk contributed reporting.

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