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Mattis looking forward to 12-hour work days, being blamed for everything military does wrong


ARLINGTON, Va. — Retired Marine Gen. James Mattis, who is currently under consideration for nomination as Secretary of Defense, is reportedly “thrilled” at the prospect of trading in his retirement for a return to the brutally exhausting, Machiavellian snake pit known as the Pentagon.

“I’m really looking forward to this [Secretary of Defense] opportunity,” the legendary commander mumbled to reporters, while simultaneously staring forlornly at the new home-brewing setup he had really been getting into lately.

“Once you finish four decades devoting every ounce of your effort and attention to the military, you just…you know, you really just want to seize the chance to…do it for another few years,” explained the former four-star general who once went by the callsign “Chaos,” with an expression of what looked like actual physical pain.

While Mattis is considered the frontrunner choice for President-elect Donald Trump, some believe the former commander of 1st Marine Division who just recently started fixing up the old Chevelle in the garage might hesitate if asked to come out of retirement to once again grapple with the stressful complexities of global conflict, partisan political agendas, and bureaucratic inaction.

“I mean, what else am I going to do with myself now that I’m out of uniform? Take a leisurely battlefield tour of Europe? Finish my memoirs? Play golf pretty much whenever I want?” he joked, adding a forced laugh that was betrayed by a weary, hollow look in his eyes.

“Words really, really just can’t do my excitement justice,” he said through clenched teeth. Mattis then closed his eyes, exhaled deeply, and muttered “god dammit.”

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  1. In addition, the revered “Warrior Monk” stated he was “thrilled” to have to deal with the “lesser” services, but was excited to work with Marines again. An anonymous source close to the famous Marine Corps general stated one of his first plans was to triple the current Marine Corps budget for new equipment to $1 million dollars. The source, speaking on condition of anonymity, stated the general told him about the increase whilst holding his pinky up to his mouth and laughing diabolically, “just like Dr. Evil.”

    • “New” equipment? Wouldn’t that require Jarheads to be able to figure out how to open the original packaging?

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