QUANTICO, VA – The Pentagon on Wednesday issued an emergency recall of more than 750,000 Meals, Ready to Eat, after it was discovered the rations had been contaminated with real turkey.
“Shredded Tryptophan-Induced Poultry Product in Gravy Sauce,” which was deemed item 12 in the latest batch of MRE’s shipped across the globe last week, was found to contain “an almost 100% contamination rate” among the boxes shipped out across the military.
“We can’t just allow our service men and women to be exposed to such harmful substances,” Army Col. James McDoughery said. “I mean it’s one thing to inhale a cubic pound of 7 ton exhaust every day, or to have abnormal amounts of diesel fuel in a unit’s water supply from time to time. But the kind of damage it would cause if troops suddenly started eating actual food in the field could be catastrophic.”
He added: “They might find they have morale. And if they ever found it, they would realize just how low it’s been all these years.”
The recall for Thanksgiving MREs is not a first for the DoD. It previously had to recall humanitarian rations containing pork over concerns for the Islamic religion in 2006, and its “Country Captain Chicken” MRE was phased out after most troops complained of it actually tasting more like urban lieutenant dogshit.
Most troops were unfazed by the recall decision.
“Look sometimes I just put the hot sauce on the cardboard box and eat that because it tastes better than the meal inside of it.” Navy Petty Officer 2nd Class Jonathan Eckerd said. “Plus, the fiber helps keep you regular, and after a week of MRE’s you use all the help you can get.”
Still, at least one Marine managed to get his hands on the dangerous MRE in question. Lance Cpl. Anthony Smith found a box that was untouched while on a field exercise in Camp Lejeune.
“Inside was the brand new Thanksgiving MRE with all the bowel-clogging trimmings; garlic mashed potatoes, wheat snack bread, peanut butter,” Smith said. “And then there it was: The Shredded Tryptophan-Induced Poultry Product in Gravy Sauce main meal. I took about three bites and was really surprised by how unplasticky it tasted.”
“It was right then that my company gunny suddenly returned. By the time my ass-chewing was over, someone had stolen it. The only thing that was left was the Cornbread Stuffing, and there’s not enough Copenhagen dip in the world to be bribed with to make me eat that.”
The Pentagon promised that it would never again make the mistake of having real food contaminate MREs again.
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.