LITTLE ROCK, Ark. – Local veteran Thomas “Dadbod” Rawlings is scrambling to find a flattering picture of his time in the military to post on Facebook, sources report.
Rawlings, a former Army infantryman who deployed to Iraq in 2004 as a Small-Regular, has since grown into Extra Large-Extra Long as a healthy unemployed veteran. But he’s desperate to relive his glory days on social media, he told reporters.
“Its all about the ‘likes,’” Rawlings explained. “That’s why we served. And ladies don’t like the large fellas like they used to.”
According to reports, Rawlings has so far struggled to find a suitable picture in any scrapbooks or photo albums.
“The only solo shot was of me dropping a deuce in Saddam’s palace, and I look damn good,” he said. “But there might be some war crimes going on in the background so that’s a no-go.”
Still, Rawlings’ battle-buddy, Luke “Triple-Dip” Shorter has offered to help.
“It’s simple,” he said. “Google ‘soldier + ACU + biceps,’ download the sexiest one, and pretend it’s you. Nobody calls bullshit on Veteran’s Day, bro.”
At press time, Rawlings and all 40 of his platoon-mates had uploaded the same profile picture and were aggressively thanking each other for their service.
“Keeping this wolf-body strong to protect my sheep,” Rawlings wrote in the caption.