NEW YORK, NY — President-elect Donald Trump has tapped Ashley Madison to lead Veterans’ Affairs, sources confirmed.
“Look, I’ve always felt that nothing shows passion like dedicated service, and who has serviced our veterans more than Ashley? No one, that’s who,” Trump said.
While not much is known about Madison outside of military circles, a high-profile data breach in 2015 revealed that she is almost universally loved by people with ‘.gov’ and ‘.mil’ email accounts. In fact, those most familiar with her say she cares so much about veterans that she’s been known to “play cupid” for some of her more lonely warrior friends.
According to sources within the Trump’s transition team, the President-elect’s guidance for Madison is that veterans should be serviced better. To accomplish that, Trump has established a veteran’s advisory board, and throughout the campaign, pumped its members for information on the issues that really concern them.
Apparently, the results of those surveys were largely negative. In fact, they were characterized by many on the team as “a total wake-up call” and by others as “real face-shots.”
“My staff’s been aware of Ashley for some time,” Trump said, when asked of how he made his decision. “Her services were really resonating with a lot of veterans, and I thought to myself, ‘Ok, I’ll grab her, I’ll tap her, and just see what happens.’”
Trump added: “I don’t waste too much time when I see something I want. When it comes to affairs like these, I have lots of experience picking secretaries, trust me.”
At press time, in regards to his selection, Mr. Trump tweeted, “Believe me, this is just the tip, just the tip of huge things coming for our great veterans!”
Check out After Action with Max & Paul, an awesome new podcast featuring the creators of Terminal Lance and Duffel Blog.