Army to become ‘Land Marines’ under Mattis, Dunford-led Pentagon reorganization

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WASHINGTON — A new plan for the US military set for 2017 shows that Defense Secretary-nominee James Mattis intends to work with Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Joe Dunford to implement a major reorganization of the Department of Defense, Duffel Blog has learned.

The first change, according to documents obtained by Duffel Blog, will be to rename the Department of Defense to the “Department of Marines,” though that’s the least of the changes that were presented.

“The Army will be subsumed into the Marine Corps as the Land Marines,” the document reads. “Not everyone needs to specialize in amphibious assault. But by God, every one of them will be a rifleman. Also, incorporating former Army infantry units intact will allow us to meet congressional mandates for female combat troops.”

The Navy will be reorganized as “Water Marines/Maritime Uber.” A footnote suggests the naval service’s budget will be based on a “metered rate” that will be a function of “how many rides” Maritime Uber “gives the Marines to combat zones and liberty ports.”

The documents go on to say that while most of the Air Force will become the Air Marines, a portion “will continue as a separate department,” but will be renamed Missile Command, “because missiles are not manly enough for the Marine Corps.”

“It’s like they are compensating for something,” an anonymous source said, holding his forefinger and thumb a very short distance apart.

Beyond the service name changes, all former soldiers, sailors, and airmen will be required to go through “additional training in line with standards at Marine Corps boot camp.” The training would include close order drill, longer ranges for rifle qualification, and “four to six weeks of scrubbing toilets and showers like recruits do at Parris Island and San Diego.” Commissioned officers will be required to attend The Basic School, and warrant officers will have to undergo extensive written tests to determine whether they actually contribute to the military or they are totally worthless.

“These actions will guarantee that no one will ever hear that stupid ‘hooah’ crap again,” one document says, noting, “‘Hooah is to ‘oorah’ as ‘brigade combat team’ is to ‘air-ground task force.’”

The plan concludes on a positive note for at least one service.

“The Coast Guard will be elevated” to a level equivalent to the former Joint Chiefs of Staff, and removed from Homeland Security, “because, like the Marines were before this reorganization, they are small but badass.”


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8 Comments

  1. Best Troll Blog ever. Marine Troll best troll. Haze Gray and underway with my crazy marines in tow.

  2. Hooah is the single dumbest thing the Army ever came out with. If Patton was around he’d bitch slap the lame ass wipe who started it. Hey Army come up with something original not a cheap copy of the Devil Dog Oorah

  3. don’t you know Hooah is just a physiological means for a Marine to scare himself so he/she won’t realize what there about to do it is crazy and they are they only ones interested in self and task to care! Also they want there name on every thing it helps them overcome the reality they stand alone doing what no one else wants to do! We already know Navy is their taxi service to wherever they need to go, they don’t know how to operate ships. They also get there medical, legal, and admin staff from the Navy because they don’t how to do it. Name changes may help hide that and Mattis won’t feel to bad! As for calling him GOD, most already know he is Satan incarnate! Which for the job Trump wants him to fill that’s a good thing? Yes? or I mean HOOAH!!

  4. As a submariner do I have to take on the maritime uber name? Cause as everyone know the best marine is a submarine. However glad to know they would get rid of that stupid Hooah shit.

  5. “Hooah” rightly joins “the dust heap of history” as people recognize it is shorthand for “I have a vocabulary deficiency.”

  6. “Water Marines/Maritime Uber.” HAHAHAHA!!
    How about those of us who work in the Merchant Marine? We are a small and badass group whose role is integral to winning our nation’s wars (similar to the USCG); already have “Marine” in our name; and many of us share the USMC’s high level of interest in firearms, alcohol, and getting laid as often as possible. Will we be granted the exalted title of “Sea Marines/Maritime Semi Drivers”?

  7. This is the kind of stuff that happens when you put OLD men into high level positions. Next thing you know they will decide that all military have to wear black socks with the PT uniform. Give me a break, what happens to tradition and moral when things li0ke this happen. I am now in a position where I can so I will. Not very professional leadersgip.

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