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Navy

Captain Crunch nominated as Secretary of Scrumptiousness

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WASHINGTON — President-elect Donald Trump said Saturday he had chosen retired Navy Cap’n Horatio Magellan Crunch to be secretary of scrumptiousness.

“We are going to appoint the Cap’n,” Trump told a small group of reporters outside of his Trump Tower residence. “He’s remarkable. Truly the best possible pick for secretary of scrumptiousness.”

Crunch, who currently captains a ship called the Guppy amid the Crunch Island archipelago in the Sea of Milk, has made his opinion on morning breakfast cereal and other snack foods very well known — namely that Washington lacks a cohesive strategy for the deployment and distribution of said foodstuffs.

“Washington is too happy to leave this task to the private industry, when it could be better handled with a bit of central authority,” Crunch said in November, at a speech delivered at the annual convention of the National Defense Review.

In order for Trump to move forward with the nomination, Congress will have to issue a waiver of a federal law preventing active military, as well as those currently serving as spokesmen for major dry cereal brands, from serving as scrumptious secretaries.

Trump may be showing a characteristic lack of foresight with this appointment, pundits suggest.

“This guy isn’t even American. He was born on Crunch Mountain on Crunch Island,” said Fox News’ Elizabeth Genevieve, a military analyst. “Who can vouch for this guy? Has he ever even been to the United States? Is he a pirate? What does that C on his hat mean? On that note, why is he even wearing a bicorne hat? These are valid questions that need answers.”

Most troubling is the Cap’n’s inconsistent military history. Various images have surfaced showing Crunch wearing one, two, three, and four bars on his sleeves, which each denote different ranks. Unfortunately for the Cap’n these images were taken at various times, which cast doubts on the claim that they portray a simple promotion.

The discrepancy is sure to come up in confirmation hearings for the presumptive secretary of scrumptiouness.

If Crunch can get over these hurdles, he will find himself at odds with some of Trump’s prior statements. For example, earlier this year Trump called for “the producers of scrumptious and delicious snack foods to police themselves,” which flies in the face of Crunch’s white papers presented through the Muncher Foundation, a think tank out of Yumford University, where he is a sitting fellow.

Few in Congress have telegraphed their positions on the matter. Though one naval veteran from South Carolina has vowed to oppose the vote.

“While I appreciate the service of Cap’n Crunch, I am worried about the potential regulatory overlap. While I deeply appreciate the cap’n’s service to breakfast foods, this is just one more case where the incoming administration is putting forth a name with deep economic connections in the area they are supposed to regulate. I will oppose a waiver.”

Air Force

Parents bribe service academies to not accept their children’s applications

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WEST POINT — As a string of high-profile college bribery scandals come to light, the FBI has also uncovered that affluent parents are covertly paying service academy admissions to reject applications coming from their children, sources confirmed today.

“I wouldn’t want my child to suffer through a service academy either,” says chief investigator Gary Burkmire. “But there’s a right way and a wrong way for your kids to get ahead in life, and helping them avoid a subpar education through lies and crime is not the way to do it.”

Parents with children in service academies are outraged.

“So I, a poor single mother, have to watch my son go to West Point while rich parents have the privilege of seeing their kids amount to something in life?” asks Sheila Jones. “The wealthy elite really are evil.”

Burkmire has emphasized that the bribes were done without the knowledge of the children.

“Let’s make sure not to blame the kids here,” he told reporters. “Many of them were bright enough to be able to avoid a military education all on their own, but their parents didn’t have enough faith and made things worse.”

In some instances, the fraud even included paying up to $500,000 for an impostor to show up to the child’s Candidate Fitness Test and fail for them.

The legal repercussions of the scandal fall somewhat on the youth, despite the crimes originating with their parents.

“Unfortunately, regardless of qualifications, all applicants involved in the bribery scandal have been admitted to the service academy of their choice, and must report on the first day of school,” says Burkmire. “I hate to see this kind of thing, but it’s what happens when you mess with the system.”

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Navy

Carrier forced into early retirement after being exposed as maritime supremacist

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WASHINGTON  Pentagon officials confirmed today that their announcement calling for the unexpected retirement of USS Harry S. Truman stemmed from shocking revelations of the aircraft carrier’s dark history as a maritime supremacist.

“I think it’s safe to say with a namesake like that [Truman], it was only a matter of time before another N-bomb was dropped,” said acting Pentagon press secretary Charles Summers, Jr. “The Department of Defense has zero-tolerance for supremacist ideologies.”

The Nitmitz-class supercarrier, who planned on maintaining freedom of the seas for at least twenty more years, was forced into early retirement after allegations of its unchallenged power projection made national headlines. It remains undetermined whether said power was black or white, but defense officials fear it could be haze grey power, boding poorly for future surface combatants seeking to establish a forward presence across the globe.

“Proactively addressing these intolerable issues — like sea control — by reducing our carrier fleet from 11 to 10 was the right move and in complete alignment with our national interests,” stated acting Secretary of Defense Patrick Shanahan.

“The advent of hypersonic, anti-ship ballistic exposés have all but eliminated the viability and utility of the American aircraft carrier,” he continued. “Air power from the sea is a relic of an undignified chapter of our nation’s history.”

The Truman could not be reached for comment, but sources close to it said that it was thinking about settling down in the warmer climes of southern Texas.

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Navy

Sailor ready to defend nation after mandatory training

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NORFOLK, Va. — A vocational warfighter who completed some mandatory training is ready to shoulder the burden of defending the American people, sources confirmed today.

Boatswain’s Mate First Class Drake Washington has devoted the past nine years of his life to honing his person into a lethal instrument of justice, spending a conservative estimate of 18,000 hours on online training requirements and safety briefs.

Command staff aboard USS Bataan stressed that the defining difference between the highly-trained military professional who has never sexually assaulted anyone and a veritable piece of shit are countless hours of rigorous instruction.

“I’d also like to emphasize that Petty Officer Washington utilizes Operational Risk Management on a daily basis and has never once deep-fried a frozen turkey on Thanksgiving,” stated the Bataan’s Safety Officer, Lt. Cmdr. Chuck Parsons. “These safety-conscious and risk-averse warriors are the backbone of our Navy and driving force in ensuring our maritime supremacy.”

Washington’s strict adherence to Bushdio demands elevated cyber awareness and an unwavering commitment to the “0-0-1-3” drinking rule. His superhuman discipline and martial prowess have enabled his mastery of the baser human impulses to rape and download myTunes that would consume lesser men, according to Lt. Rochelle Santiago, the Bataan’s training officer.

Above all, the warrior monk’s code of conduct upholds his solemn vow to never be “that guy.”

There is, however, at least one downside to training the entire Navy to such an impeccable standard.

“We hemorrhage talent and our retention efforts can’t keep up,” said Naval Education and Training Command spokesperson Lt. Camille Schwartz. “You’d be amazed how many organizations in the private sector are looking to hire decent human beings.”

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Marine Corps

Opinion: Jerkin’ it at sea is a lot like jerkin’ it while not at sea

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By Sgt. Steven Mode, flight equipment technician

Sometimes things in life are the same, and other times things are different. One thing that is the same for me everywhere is wacking it.

On a train or in Bahrain, on a float or off the boat, masturbating is about the same wherever I go. Sure, sometimes I have to worry about getting knocked around if the seas are rough, or passing out if the porta-shitter is really hot, but generally speaking, the experience of jerking it has been pretty consistent. For example, one time I was beating it on the USS Bonhomme Richard, and another time I was beating it not there. See? Exactly the same.

Others may disagree, but nothing I’m saying is too wacko. People often ask me, “Hey! Don’t you think that masturbating on the USS Bataan is different from masturbating when you’re not on the USS Bataan?” But my answer is always a flat “NO! It’s the same for me everywhere.”

Think about it, what’s so different about rubbing one out in an unlocked quadcon on the USS Wasp versus doing it in another place? First of all, they shouldn’t have left the quadcon unlocked, but isn’t that basically the same as tugging it in the IPAC bathroom on Pendleton? My point exactly.

Last year, I was doing it when I was on watch in Iraq, and I was like, “Hmmm. This is about the same as that time I was doing it on my rack on the Green Bay, and I was right!” For me, it’s like going to McDonalds. No matter where I am, I know what to expect.

The only time it was different was when I was beating it back home in Michigan and my bathroom caught on fire because a rat got stuck in the space heater. Never had an experience like that before. Talk about crazy!

In conclusion, jerking it is something I do a lot and is about the same wherever I go. Thank you.

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Army

Soldier avoids UCMJ by living inside amnesty box

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Photo Credit: Duffel Blog

BAGHDAD, Iraq — A soldier in Iraq is successfully avoiding the Uniform Code of Military Justice by living inside an amnesty box, sources confirmed today.

Spc. Ray Thomas, a communications specialist deployed to Camp Taji, began residing in the amnesty box after becoming the focus of a 15-6 investigation into unauthorized drinking on post.

“It came to light that Spc. Thomas, while intoxicated in direct violation of General Order No. 1, allowed a negligent discharge of his M4 rifle in his housing unit,” explained Maj. Robert Sandusky, the officer in charge of the investigation. “Unfortunately, when Spc. Thomas learned he was facing punishment that could include extra duty and/or reduction in rank, he just disappeared.”

Thomas was declared AWOL 36 hours later when base security contractors discovered him inside a 5’x5′ amnesty box near the post airfield, along with his sleeping bag, a log of Copenhagen, and a rucksack full of MREs, according to sources.

“That amnesty box is essentially a legal forcefield,” admitted Sandusky. “Therefore our investigation is on hold pending his emergence from said box.”

Prominent experts on military law begrudgingly praised Thomas’s legal acumen.

“It’s a brilliant move,” commented Lt. Col. Simon Curcio, an attorney for the Army’s Judge Advocate General. “Under the UCMJ, nothing inside an amnesty box is subject to punishment, so they can’t touch him. If he can hold out until he leaves theater, he’s home free.”

“He’s really got them over a barrel — or over a box, so to speak” he added. “But my question is, ‘where’s he relieving himself?’ You know what, never mind. Please don’t answer that.”

Soldiers on post say that despite the lack of latrine or running water, Thomas has remained in the box for six days and shows no inclination of leaving.

“Ironically, this shitbag move displays more creativity, initiative, and discipline than I’ve ever seen from Spc. Thomas,” said Sgt. Dominic Johnson, his former squad leader. “He should be recommended for promotion to E-5 if he doesn’t end up getting a GOMOR [General Officer Memorandum of Reprimand].”

Speaking from inside the amnesty box, Thomas said he has been busy making the most of his environment.

“It’s amazing what people just toss in here,” Thomas said. “Just in the last week, I’ve collected a baggie of cocaine, a smoke grenade, a vintage Penthouse from a care package, and two extra-large dildos, which I can use to weigh down the corners of my poncho.”

“Plus, I’m supplementing my diet by licking used candy wrappers,” he continued. “Those sort of make up for all the cigarette butts and dip spitters that fall on my head when I’m trying to sleep.”

It remains to be seen whether Thomas can hold out until his redeployment flight in April, but he remains confident.

“I’m in here for the long haul, man,” he said. “You know if I’m living off MREs I won’t have to shit for at least another month.”

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Navy

Navy and Disney partner to offer ‘the most magical deployments on earth’

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SAN DIEGO — Disney is ready to sprinkle some magic over future Navy deployments.

The Navy plans to plus up its fleet over the next five years, but its manpower goals may as well be ‘to infinity and beyond.’ Even significant efforts aimed at immigrant and transgender communities failed to move the recruitment needle, but senior leadership hopes Disney holds the key to drawing and keeping the necessary personnel.

“Industry partnerships are critical to rebuilding readiness, and bored sailors just aren’t as interested in hookers anymore. Disney can help us tackle both issues,” said Navy spokesman Cmdr. Anthony Bellin.

Disney executives touted the partnership as an opportunity to serve America’s heroes and responsibly dispose of ships no longer fit for paying customers.

The groundbreaking deal includes ten recently condemned cruise liners that the Navy can retrofit with directed energy weapons and an Avengers-themed Chief’s Mess. Approximately 20% of new naval vessels will include Disney branding and amenities, such as chow with a Disney princess and flight deck runs with a CGI version of Mr. Incredible.

Chief of Naval Operations Adm. John Richardson acknowledged challenges to balancing a world class vacation vibe with national security goals.

“Activities that do not directly increase lethality, like the Wreck-it Ralph karaoke shack, will shut down during threat engagement in order to minimize distractions and critical power loads,” he said.

Sailors can add extra months to their “Disney Fun Deployment” passes at a military discount. E-5’s and above can purchase weeklong family passes for dependents. The first three ships will head to Pacific Fleet headquarters in Hawaii by December 2019.

Machinery Repairman 1st Class Shawn VanDiver was excited to re-enlist after hearing the news.

“I’m a single dad and was looking to get out, but now my son can deploy with me over winter break. We’re gonna have breakfast with Moana every day. Deployments are about to get lit!”

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Navy

Navy warns sailors who can’t deploy that they will be reviewed for promotion

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SAN DIEGO — Non-deployable sailors can breathe a heavy sigh of relief as Navy officials plan to implement its new “Deploy or Get Promoted” policy, sources confirmed today.

The new policy, deemed ingenious by CNN military analysts, will ensure the Navy floods its upper ranks with sailors who are injured, lazy, PT-failing, work-averse as a threat to motivate them to become deployable. Senior Navy leaders are optimistic.

“We will immediately begin processing promotions for sailors who have been non-deployable for 24 months or more,” said Chief of Naval Operations Adm. John M. Richardson. “Even those sailors who have deliberately missed medical and immunization appointments to avoid deployment will be able to stay behind and ‘run shit.’ I mean, we issued tons of medical waivers when these people enlisted. It’s time we cash in that check and grow them into the future we need.”

The new policy seeks to promote lazy, wounded broke-dicks, as well as worthless skaters, and it has garnered support in the senior enlisted ranks.

“Everyone who doesn’t want to be here, doesn’t want to contribute, and doesn’t believe in our mission should be given higher levels of responsibly. It’s the only way they can grow into the leaders we need them to be,” said Master Chief Petty Officer of the Navy Russ Smith.

“I always like to say, ‘The early bird gets the shitter-scrubbing duty because they are motivated,’” said Senior Chief Petty Officer John Gillespie. “But the sailors who arrive late from phony medical appointments? They have management written all over them! I’m serious. Don’t test me. We’ll do it. Get in line and make yourself deployable, or else!” he said while pointing to his rank insignia with a smirk.

Roughly 11 percent of members in the U.S. military — approximately 286,000 — meet this criteria for immediate promotion into roles that are expected to swell with incompetence.

After receiving their forced promotion, the sailors will be expected to attend leadership training completely against their will, learn how to delegate all of their assigned tasks, and learn the valuable art of shirking responsibility and hiding behind sham ignorance in order to avoid putting forth any effort at all.

However, not all sailors are getting on-board with this new policy.

“This can never work,” said Petty Officer 3rd Class Mike Jones while hiding behind some cabinets to avoid being selected for a cleaning party. “They are already trying to deluge leadership ranks with ineffective, worthless leaders who show ‘potential.’ It’s a program called Annapolis. Ever heard of it?”

There is at least one exception to the policy: if you are non-deployable due to being dead, then you can rest in peace knowing that you will not be posthumously promoted against your will.

Officials also confirmed that their next policy initiative will focus on raising low morale, something the Navy has been mysteriously plagued with for nearly fifty years.

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Marine Corps

Navy announces newest occupational specialty: ‘meat gazer’

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WASHINGTON  — The Navy announced today the creation of a new career track to help with its large urinalysis test backlog: meat gazer.

The new Navy occupational specialty will require sailors to keep an eye on the wieners of service members as they urinate into collection cups during drug tests.

“Meat gazing was historically a low-level collateral duty for go getters who volunteered to impress commanders, weirdos who enjoy checking out other dudes’ packages, or simple run-of-the-mill perverts. Now, it’s a full-time job,” said Secretary of the Navy Richard Spencer.

The meat gazer rating is the result of a petition that went viral and gained the attention of Navy leaders.

The Marines started the petition.org effort as a joke, but it quickly garnered service-wide exposure. Roughly 245,000 sailors signed the petition within days, which equates to nearly three-quarters of the Navy begging and yearning to stare at rods for a living.

“In addition to the petition, we also noted that a large number of sailors already excelled in staring at the genitalia of other male sailors in the restroom,” said Capt. Richard D. Head, who is spearheading the new initiative. “It really made sense to build a satisfying career track for these hog worshipers.”

While sailors from across the Navy have been submitting rate-change request packets in record numbers, most of the new meat gazers are expected to come from the ranks of the Navy’s master at arms rating, which already has a high number of habitual meat gazers.

Advancement exams for the new specialty will cover topics such as advising sailors on how to handle their beef during testing, keeping urine containers uncontaminated, and requiring sailors to stand far enough away from urinals to allow meat gazers the perfect view to see urine leave the penis.

“Sometimes we are staring more intently and concentrating harder than the person trying to push urine through their meat sticks,” said Petty Officer 2nd Class Jack M. Hoff. “But the whole experience is satisfying to everyone involved. I’m glad the Navy has heard our voices and is allowing meat gazers to exist. I’m beyond excited.”

Sailors hoping to obtain a slot as a meat gazer have been spending their free time hanging out in as many locker rooms as possible, practicing their trade, and honing their skills, according to sources.

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