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CO really regrets bringing teenage daughter to battalion Christmas party

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CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — Lt. Col. Clark Hardwick says he “profoundly regrets” bringing his 18-year-old daughter Cassidy to the battalion Christmas party, sources confirmed today.

Hardwick, commander of 2nd Battalion, 8th Marines, planned the event as a fun meet-and-greet for Marines’ families. But he became worried when his daughter returned from a private barracks tour with egg nog all over her hair and face.

“I know there’s some mischief afoot here,” said a suspicious Hardwick. “I bet she was off eating milk and cookies with Golf Company when I explicitly told her no sweets.”

Hardwick also didn’t quite know why dozens of Marines congregated around his daughter and took pictures of her on their phones.

“I don’t know if it was her head, or her shoes, or what,” he said. “But it’s definitely not because her skirt was two sizes too small.”

Cassidy, a freshman that commutes to the nearby University of North Carolina-Wilmington says the Marines “were all so nice” and her dad has nothing to worry about.

“Santa let me sit on his lap for like two hours and in a dozen different positions,” she said. “And the elves were sticking their toys in my box all night.”

She says the Marines dressed as reindeer were her favorite part of the evening because they “filled [her] with Christmas spirit eight or nine at a time.” One even offered to lick figgy pudding out of her butthole.

“We were really hoping she would come to our ‘gift’-swapping party afterwards,” said Louis Lipps, the battalion executive officer. “But the boss limited the gifts to wives and hookers only this year.”

The scout sniper platoon has not been seen since the party, and is rumored to be hiding away in a manger outside Cassidy’s bedroom window.

“Well, at least they’re training, I guess,” said Hardwick.

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