WASHINGTON — The Commandant of the Marine Corps reportedly threw in a damn near baseball-sized sized bomb of Cope into his lip as a fellow general briefed a Senate Committee today, sources confirmed.
Gen. Robert Neller appeared unfazed by multiple looks of concern and disgust from committee members, who were listening to Gen. Paul Selva’s testimony at the time.
“Is he serious right now?” Sen. Mike Rounds (R-S.D.) reportedly said to fellow committee member Sen. Roger Wicker (R-Mo.), who could only shake his head in confused shock as Neller casually threw in what witnesses describe as a “massive” fatty.
Moments earlier, Selva’s opening remarks to the committee had been interrupted by a muffled, rhythmic snapping sound from beneath the Joint Chiefs’ desk. This was soon revealed to be the product of Neller performing the “dip snap” like a champ on a recently purchased tin of dank, delicious Copenhagen.
Selva had just begun his overview of the Armored Corps’ response capabilities within Africa Command when Neller twisted the lid off the tin and sniped a monster scoop of chaw, witnesses said.
“He doesn’t even have a spitter,” murmured Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-Mo.) as Selva continued on about strategic airlift capacity or whatever. “How is he gonna…wait, oh no, oh god.”
The Missouri senator averted her eyes as it became clear that Neller clearly guts it like a boss.
Despite the committee members’ chagrin, the remainder of the briefing otherwise proceeded without incident. At least one unverified report claims that, upon the briefing’s conclusion, Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. David Goldfein reportedly asked Neller if he could “score a pinch.”
Sources later confirmed the dip in question was in fact Long Cut, not any of that pouch bullshit.