BALTIMORE, MD — The historic tradition of inter-service rivalry between the Army Black Knights and the Navy Midshipman has been canceled by officials, who decided to change the competition to a hot dog eating contest, a sport that is said to better represent both of the services.
Army leadership has recognized a ”cultural shift” amongst soldiers to eat more calories than they need, according to source.
”This is a new era, and I believe we have to be more inclusive when it comes to our beloved traditions,” said commandant of the United States Military Academy Brig. Gen. Diana Holland. ”Soldiers love to eat. Especially the lower enlisted. As officers, it is our duty to celebrate the entire Army. Besides, the whole football thing hasn’t been working out very well for us lately, so eating an unhealthy food like a hot dog over and over, that may be something we can win at.”
”There’s not a doubt in anyone’s mind this is a much needed change,” said Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus. ”I for one, will be enthused to watch my beloved Midshipmen inhale more weiners than the Knights. Sure, they’re somewhat fatter, but have you ever been underway? Homo-erotica may not be the Navy’s primary mission, but it is our primary strength.”
Many soldiers are excited about the new competition.
”Now this is something I can really get into,” said Sgt. Jorge Ramirez. “I’d respect the shit out of any platoon leader that can eat hot dogs like that little Asian dude. After all, this is basically what happens on a typical Friday in the barracks.”
Meanwhile, thousands of sailors across the Navy have reported to emergency rooms, many of whom have complained of ‘never ending boners.’
The Navy has home field advantage, with expectations of around 100,000 hot dogs to be consumed on the flight deck of the newly named USS Trump.