OUTSIDE MOSUL, Iraq — Hundreds of Marines tasked with training and advising Iraqi Army forces have been medically evacuated from the battlefield this week after being overcome by massive moto-boners.
The medical emergency followed the announcement that retired Marine Gen. James Mattis had been officially nominated for Secretary of Defense.
That number is expected to rise, as most Marines expect Mattis to eventually give an interview to reporters where he’ll mention things such as Copenhagen, killing shitheads, or beating up protestors.
Most of the Marines were taken to bases in Germany for treatment, which consisted of cold showers, forced viewing of the film “Brokeback Mountain,” and a regimen of Motrin. Some of the more serious cases — those with moto-boners lasting more than 72 hours — were taken back to the United States and told they were going to be sent to 29 Palms for life-saving, motivation-killing treatment.
The major Marine bases in North Carolina and California have seen similar numbers reporting into sick call each day for the past week, with many Marines unable to even put on their trousers in the morning.
For now, Navy medical officials are advising affected Marines to wear “silkie” shorts instead of camouflage utility trousers, though that move has sent many others to seek medical attention due to uncontrollable vomiting.
The Marine advisory contingent in Iraq had been helping Iraqi Army forces rout ISIS militants from in and around Mosul over the past month. The battle has since been postponed until cooks at the forward operating base receive the massive shipment of saltpeter they had requested, which experts say should help thwart any weird Mattis fantasies from forming in the Marines’ minds when they should be focused on killing the enemy.
“Goddamn warriors, ya’ll need to work that shit out,” Ronald Green, the sergeant major of the Marine Corps, said in a video message. Fortunately, Green and other sergeant majors are well-versed in killing the motivation of junior Marines, according to sources.
If the problem doesn’t clear up by this weekend, Green says he’ll implement a Corps-wide field day, PowerPoint presentations on safety, vehicle inspections, and a three-hour talk detailing the intricacies of Marine Corps uniform regulations.