THE PENTAGON – Recently declassified documents from the Ford and Reagan administrations indicate that glaring faults in the Pentagon’s acquisition process were ultimately to blame for the destruction of both Death Stars, Duffel Blog has learned.
Although the total scope of the disclosure remains unclear, it now appears that the Defense department’s 1980’s Strategic Defense Initiative, commonly referred to as the “Star Wars” program, was in-fact a smoke screen used to funnel billions into building an “orbiting, moon-like” space station for the Galactic Empire.
According to sources, the Death Star was originally conceived as cocktail-napkin doodles between Emperor Palpatine and President Richard Nixon during their time together in the Senate. However, the plan stalled during the Watergate scandal, until being revived by then-Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.
“At this point, it seems that bureaucratic inefficiencies coupled with a culture of corruption among the Pentagon’s top brass were largely to blame for the critical design flaws that allowed these ‘ultimate weapons’ to be destroyed so easily,” said Pentagon spokesman Robert “Bob” Afett.
It appears the original fleet requirement for a “fully functional battle station” never included the need to destroy a planet, but the Joint Chiefs, reportedly wanting to reinvigorate defense spending on the heels of Vietnam, kept adding offensive capabilities into the program’s requirements, and eventually the cost over-runs had to be accounted for elsewhere in the design.
An initial review of the newly-declassified documents has revealed numerous statements by Pentagon requirements officers who voiced their concerns at the time: “You can stand in front of a general all day long telling him, ‘Sir, please don’t make an exhaust vent that’s not only as wide as a womp rat, but also the same diameter as a Rebel photon torpedo, and that leads directly to the reactor core of the station.’ But if that’s the best way to cut costs so he can add some goddamn planet-killing laser that nobody asked for, well then that’s exactly what he’s going to do.”
Sources further report that the issue went to the very top of the Pentagon at the time, with one memo from Secretary Rumsfeld saying: “You go to war with the Death Star you have, not the Death Star you want.”
Both Death Stars were destroyed by terrorist rebel scum, who managed to find fatal flaws in both designs.
When reached for comment, Secretary of Defense-nominee Gen. James Mattis told reporters he would not tolerate such waste when he’s in charge.
“When I arrive, there will be a great disturbance in the Pentagon. It’ll be as if a million bureaucrats cried out in pain, and were suddenly silenced.”