OAHU, HI — A sailor stationed at the Pearl Harbor naval base last night commemorated the anniversary of the attack that brought the US into World War II by downing 75 sake bombs, sources confirmed.
According to fellow sailors, Petty Officer 3rd Class Henry Quigg hatched the plan to take on enemies of his grandfathers’ at a local bar at around 4:30pm on Monday afternoon, with a sacred vow to down 75 sake bombs and prove to the world that America “still take whatever the Japs can give ’em.'”
Sporting a t-shirt emblazoned with the words “Back to Back World War Champs,” Quigg started the challenge with a handful of sake bombs while streaming the film “Pearl Harbor” on his phone. For at least the first hour, the sailor “shot down” a number of “sake Zeroes,” eventually becoming an ace pilot that couldn’t remember his name.
“He was starting to really scare patrons. Asking how to build an M1 Garand out of chopsticks and stuff,” bartender Jim McNeill told reporters. “He even accused a dwarf of being a ‘midget-sub’ that was trying to sink the state of Arizona.”
While the bartender tried to calm Quigg after his 30th sake bomb, the sailor instead order a bowl of Ramen noodles and told him he needed to “piss in the Guadalcanal.”
“He gets up to use the bathroom then suddenly stops,” McNeill said. “He turns and looks me dead in the eyes and says ‘I shall return.’ Personally I just think its crazy that after drinking enough to sink a battleship he was even able to even walk.”
Quigg was eventually transported to the emergency room where he tested for a blood alcohol level of 12.07%. His doctors said it was nothing short of “a sudden and deliberate attack on his body by the Alcohols of Japan.”
Still, the bartender was incredulous at the new record of sake bombs for the establishment.
“I cant believe it, he actually made it to 75. For him it’ll be a day which will live in infamy… if he survives.”