Pimpatronic 5000 appointed as Navy Vice Admiral of Vice

Standing while they still can.

WASHINGTON — Sir Orgasmotron Electrokisses IV has been appointed the Navy’s 56th Vice Admiral of Vice, and was sworn in at a small ceremony today in the Pentagon’s pleasure gardens during the new autumn moon amidst a roiling mass of bodies, flesh, and stink, sources confirmed.

“Welcome brothers and sisters in sin,” oozed Orgasmotron while a spinning disco-ball raised from the middle of a large champagne fountain. “I hereby swear to fulfill my duties under Article Sex of the United States Constitution,” he continued while penetrating a young intern with numerous pleasure tentacles.

Admiral Electrokisses is the newest in the Pimpatronic line — model 5,000. He comes equipped with dozens of detachable arms, seven access ports, a 15k generator, and four mouths, among other features.

“Your silly human emotions can only sense fugue in which you currently find yourselves, but I, Vice Admiral Orgasmotron will lead your through this journey” the machine said. He then threw  off a high-collared, red velvet cape and holding out its many gyrating arms to the sounds of soft Jazz played on tenor saxophones. This was soon followed by a chorus of joyous, high-pitched moans from the mass of bodies littering the gardens.

The position of Vice Admiral of Vice is one which dates back to the Revolutionary War. A young nation, with a foundling navy, found itself unable to lift the spirits of its seamen. Revival of the British traditions of hardtack and lashings did little to raise spirits and entice new recruits. A solution was discovered by a handsome captain with a sly mustache whose name has been lost to time and memory: the establishment of the Vice Admiralty which has stood as a pillar of the Navy ever since.

“YOU WILL KNOW ECSTASY!” he screamed from his many speaker ports while simultaneously emitting braying horse noises.

Electrokisses relieves Vice Adm. David Jackson, who is being brought onto President-elect Donald Trump’s staff.


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