Classified briefing reveals FBI Director James Comey enjoyed Star Wars prequels

WASHINGTON ― Congressional leaders are furious after a classified briefing on Friday revealed that FBI Director James Comey enjoyed the Star Wars prequels, according to several members who were present at the closed-door session.

While the controversial briefing was supposed to reveal critical information about Russian influence in the US presidential election, most were surprised to learn that Comey used the briefing to come clean about several sensitive issues — most notably his opinion of the three Star Wars movies released between 1999 and 2005.

“I’m disappointed, outraged — many of us are right now,” Rep. Tim Walz (D-Minn.) said immediately following the briefing. “We expect a level of professionalism and taste in the man we entrust with the greatest law enforcement organization in the world. I no longer have any confidence in Mr. Comey’s leadership of that organization.”

“What I heard in the briefing made me not trust him, that’s all,” Rep. Ruben Gallego (D-Ariz.) told reporters. “I mean, how could you trust a man that believes that microscopic, bacteria-dwelling midi-chlorians make any sense at all? It’s the Force, for Christ’s sake, not a case of the Jedi flu. Yoda didn’t sneeze that X-Wing out of the swamp.”

Concerns have also been raised about several other issues spoken about in the highly classified briefing — such as Russian hacking, compromising information about Donald Trump, and whether or not the Goonies sequel will be worth it — but it appeared very difficult for anyone to focus on anything other than the fact that the goddamn Director of the FBI thinks Jar Jar Binks was a worthwhile addition to the Star Wars universe.

“Yes, yes. We know Vladimir Putin has made a puppet out of the United States through a combination of sophisticated hacking and blackmail,” Gallego continued. “But the reality of the matter is we have bigger fish to fry. Once we’re done explaining to this man that turning the most epic galactic story ever told into a kids’ movie about floating race cars was a bad idea, we can worry about World War III.”

As of right now, no actions have been taken to remove Comey from his position as FBI Director. While his proclivities may have angered anyone who calls themselves a fan of movies, much of congress — especially Democrats especially — believes that Comey would be preferable to whomever President-elect Trump would appoint after his inauguration in the coming days.

“Trump will probably put a guy in there that thinks a TIE fighter is a violent adornment for your dress shirts,” Rep. Walz said. “We can put up with a lot of shit, but that’s just ridiculous.”

Comey declined to comment on the matter, but the FBI did release a short statement on its official Twitter account. Attached to the tweet was a video of a visibly distraught Comey in what appeared to be his basement, with a large poster of The Phantom Menace on the wall behind him.

“Meesa so sorry,” Comey said.


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