MANAMA, Bahrain — After frequently referring to himself as “Ya Boi” and “Sniper Coastie” on Facebook, friends of a 23-year-old Coast Guardsman deployed to Bahrain are pretty sure he’s a total war hero, sources confirmed today.
“You wouldn’t believe the day I had — let’s just say I keep defending our native soil, holding down the fort, and making sure those who are out to harm us don’t get even close to our homeland,” Boatswains Mate Third Class Mike Bevins wrote in his most recent post.
Comments from family include “So brave!” from his Aunt Margie and “Semper Paratus my little hero!” followed by seven heart emojis from his mother.
“Every day is a challenge,” said Bevins when referring to an ATFP (Anti-Terrorist Force Protection) watch for eight hours while carrying 3 knives, a bullet proof vest, and holding an M-16. “When the weather is 120 degrees and danger could come at any moment — Ya Boi has gotta stay focused,” Bevins posted on Tuesday, before ordering two Big Mac meals from McDonalds off the Talabat App from his phone.
“You make America proud!” commented Bevin’s cousin Fred in Oakland. “Your sacrifice to this country is not forgotten and we are forever in your debt,” he continued.
Another family friend posted a meme of a bald eagle wearing a Coast Guard uniform with explosions in the background and the caption “Excuse me while I protect your right to bitch!”
In recent weeks, Bevins has already begun day-dreaming leadership decisions in the event he is forced to assume command of his entire unit in the event of an enemy attack. During a three-hour armed engagement training session earlier this month, Bevins was seen breaking down doors, fighting with instructors, and drinking a 2-liter bottle of liquid creatine serum.
“He’s kind of an over enthusiastic tornado of muscles and testosterone,” said USCG Patrol Forces Southwest Asia Commanding Officer James Gould. “Truthfully, I’m concerned with his ability to keep a level head even when he’s standing at a vending machine. He’s a pretty intense guy with an axe to grind that definitely doesn’t match our current op tempo.”
Gould added: “Oh I’ve read his Facebook feed. He’s a good kid but his head is so far up his ass he’s gonna disappear.”
At press time, sources reported that Bevins could be overheard taking selfies of himself while struggling to hold a detached M2 .50 caliber machine-gun.