BUENOS AIRES — Scientists have uncovered what they believe to be the earliest remains of the modern-day dependapotomus, Duffel Blog has learned.
“Originally, I thought they were just the petrified remains of an ordinary manatee. But then I saw it was clutching six human babies, a half liter of Diet Pepsi, and a giant jar of cheeseballs. That’s when I knew,” said Dr. Jose Alvarez, lead researcher for the World Health Organization’s genomics project. “We never thought we’d uncover this here, in the Galapagos of all places.”
Alvarez traveled to the Galapagos on a hunch after examining Spanish colonial-era journals documenting the marriage of a strange woman known only as “Gordita Chalupa” to a sailor on Francisco Pizzaro’s expedition to the islands in 1534.
The marriage of sailor, Seaman Apprentice Dirté Sanchez, to Ms. Chalupa marked the beginning of problems for Pizarro. It is believed Ms. Chalupa maintained a number of polyamorous relationships with other members of Pizarro’s crew. Eventually, Sanchez decided to divorce her, and sent her back to the islands from which she came.
Logbooks maintained by Pizarro’s staff at the time document what happened next. Ms. Chalupa wrote numerous letters, and sent countless messages carried by pigeon to Sanchez’s chain of command demanding entitlements, and separations pay for her troubles. Soon after, Ms. Chalupa found herself married again to another sailor of Pizarro’s.
This time Ms. Chalupa married Petty Officer 2nd Class, Clé Torres. Their marriage ended tragically after Ms. Chalupa died while choking on a Hot Pocket while demanding to speak with Torres’s Commanding Officer. It is believed she wanted to complain about Torres’s off-duty behavior, and unwillingness to do the dishes when home from work.
Dr. Alvarez’s discovery is considered to be groundbreaking as it proves the dependapotamus is a separate species and genus distinct from the homo-sapien. For decades, the Center For Disease Control hypothesized dependapotamus transformations were caused by infectious viral-borne diseases that unsuspectedly afflicted military spouses.
As Mr. Hugh Bohner, a medical researcher with the CDC explained, “We thought it was a virus at first. But then we realized the dependapotamus is a creature that doesn’t reach maturation until after they’ve married and procreated.”
Unfortunately, there is still no way to distinguish a dependapatomus from a human until after it has reached full development.
Scientists are dedicating more time researching the evolution of other parasitic species on the Galapagos for signs to unlock this mystery. For now, the CDC advises active duty military, and employed civilians to exercise caution when choosing marital partners.
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