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DUFFEL BLOG PRESENTS: Minutes from this week’s FRG meeting

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Welcome to Duffel Blog presents, an every once-in-a-while feature where we share inside looks into the military. Today, we’re presenting the minutes from this week’s family readiness group meeting.

SHARON: Hi, everyone, and thanks for making it out to the Family Readiness Group’s meeting for the month of January. Before we get started, please give a warm welcome to our newest, full-fledged member, fresh off probation, Angel. Remember, Angel’s spouse is an O-4, so please be sure to give him the respect his rank commands.

Lackluster applause from everyone.

SHARON: Angel also opened up a shop on Etsy selling tchotchkes, so make sure to spread the word! Now, let’s get started. Audi, would you like to lead us off?

AUDI: I’d love to. Big news here for this month’s Jody Watch. There’s a new bagger at the commissary, number 69 – I know, right? – that knows how to load up the goods in a trunk, if you girls catch my drift.

Audi winks. Angel giggles.

AUDI: Other than that, Jim the gardener is offering discounts until his wife gets back in town, and Rodrigo had a vasectomy, so take a number ladies.

SHARON: Fabulous. Thanks, Audi. Hey, has anyone seen Sally?

Indistinct murmurs.

PRISCILLA: I think she said she was going to stop attending our meetings.

Indistinct murmurs grow in volume.

ANGEL: Girls, can I just say something real quick? Like, I just gotta get this off my chest.

SHARON: Go ahead, Angel. You’re one of us now.

EVERYONE (chanting): One of us, one of us, one of us.

ANGEL: I hate Sally. She’s such a holier-than-thou bitch, and I think – I know – that she was just jealous about the fact that my wife outranks her husband by an entire commission.

Voices murmur in agreement.

JADE: Come to think of it, fucking Sally’s loser husband is going to get out and use the GI Bill to get an education or some shit.

Indistinct murmurs reach fever pitch.

AUDI: Oh my God, is he insane? What about TRICARE? What about BAH? Does he think they’ll just get by like the 99% of the country that doesn’t enjoy military benefits?

SHARON: Well, good riddance, then.

PRISCILLA: MOOOOOOOOOOOO! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

AUDI: HEEHAWWWWW! HEEHAWWWWWWWW! HEEHAWWWWWWWW!

JADE: OINKOINKOINKOINKOINKOINK!

ANGEL: OOH OOH AH AH EE EE EE EE!

SHARON: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

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