Retired Marine Gen. James Mattis, President-elect Donald Trump’s pick for defense secretary, attended his Thursday confirmation hearing wearing only a Spartan helmet and boxers emblazoned with the words “Fuck ISIS” on them, sources confirmed.
A number of senators on the Armed Services Committee expressed shock after the 66-year-old entered the room shirtless, though some female staffers reportedly swooned over the retired general’s ripped 8-pack abs.
“I only came here to do two things: kick some ass and drink some beer,” Mattis said before removing his helmet and taking a seat at the witness table. “Looks like we’re almost outta beer.”
Fortunately, before Mattis murdered someone due to the alcohol oversight, a number of congressional aides refilled the pitcher in front of him with his favorite brew while others shined his black jungle boots, which still had fresh blood on them from a brief deployment he personally made to Raqqa before the hearing.
In a brief opening statement, Mattis told the committee that he would be honored to take the job as secretary of defense. He went on to add that he would work diligently to improve military morale, reform the Pentagon bureaucracy, and crush America’s enemies while simultaneously hearing the lamentations of their women.
Perhaps fearful of a Mattis backlash, most senators asked softball questions such as “why are you the greatest general ever?” and “can I have your autograph, sir?” Still, at least one tried to ask a more substantive question about civilian leadership of the military.
“General Mattis, why do you think we should grant you a waiver in order to serve as Secretary of Defense?” asked Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand (D-N.Y.). According to multiple witnesses, Mattis then jumped on the table and screamed “This is Sparta!” before kicking the junior senator down a bottomless pit that has been typically reserved only for reports dealing with congressional ethics.