WASHINGTON, D.C. — Remarks from President-elect Donald Trump earlier this week calling NATO allies ‘obsolete’ have been labeled completely unprecedented by everyone except the thousands of American soldiers who have fought alongside them in Afghanistan, sources confirmed today.
“The only NATO allies I’ve seen since being in theater have been the French MPs on [Kandahar Air Field] giving me a speeding ticket, and the Dutch partying at their fucking nightclub,” said Staff Sgt. Paul Romanowitz.
Though the North Atlantic Treaty Organization alliance formed in 1949 to counter the threat of the Soviet Union, it has endured largely due to the beneficial security relationship enjoyed by its members.
The September 11th terrorist attacks, for example, which claimed victims from nearly half of all NATO countries, invoked the infamous ‘Article 5’, signaling to the world that the attack on the United States was an attack upon them all.
But according to American soldiers, the combat records of NATO allies in Afghanistan has been less than stellar.
“Let’s see. There’s the Bulgarians, who aren’t allowed to leave Highway 1 even when shot at, the Latvians who just drive around Kandahar City shooting kids with bean bags, and the Germans who are just hanging out in Kunduz not doing dick,” Romanitz added.
“I mean, the Germans used to be good at this stuff. What the hell happened?”
Despite recent media coverage stressing the importance of NATO, American soldiers can only reflect on their memories of alliance troops who served with them in combat.
“I’ll ask for NATO help the next time I want the Italians cooking up some incredible pizza and banging State Department employees again,” said Army Capt. Nick Richards. “But beyond that, I’m good.”
Dick Scuttlebutt and Maxx Butthurt contributed to this report.