WASHINGTON — Just days after President Donald Trump assumed office, his pick to lead the Department of Veterans Affairs is frustrated that the Senate has repeatedly lost the paperwork required for his confirmation.
“First let me say it’s a huge honor being nominated to lead the Department of Veterans Affairs,” said Dr. David Shulkin. “Although I’ve never served in the military, I consider myself quite the expert on understanding the frustrations and hardships our veterans go through, especially since the Senate has lost my paperwork three times and repeated calls to leaders there have gone unanswered.”
According to sources, Shulkin was actually Trump’s second choice for the position. The first nominee reportedly died after being placed on the Senate’s secret waiting list, and an investigation into the death has been put on hold until the Inspector General is done recovering from a traumatic trip to Florida.
“I have submitted three copies of my background questionnaire, and they lost all of them,” Shulkin told reporters. “And if they don’t lose it, their system is so outdated it belongs in the Smithsonian.”
Sources close to the nominee confirmed that repeated calls to Senate leaders with questions about his claim have so far gone nowhere, since he is immediately placed on hold just seconds after dialing.
Roughly seven hours and 160 iterations of Bernie Sanders singing “Pineapple Pen” later, the only answer Shulkin has received was an automated message explaining that “all Cabinet nominations are confirmed in the order they are received.”