WASHINGTON — A new plan touted by President Donald Trump to end the nearly six-year-long Syrian Civil War has reportedly stalled after the president and his staff realized they did not have enough different colors and pieces to represent all the different factions in the country, sources confirmed today.
“It’s a pretty ridiculous oversight for a strategy game that supposedly prides itself on realism,” said Michael Flynn, the president’s national security adviser.
Trump had planned to use a single colored army to represent “all the Syrians,” sources say, but he was apparently foiled once he realized there was no brown army. Instead, he began using blue for American forces, red for Russian, black for ISIS, gray for rebels, green for Turkey, and yellow for Kurds.
However, he realized there were not enough colors after the CIA presented a list of 12 former and current Al Qaeda affiliates that were also fighting inside the country, along with at least 30 other non-governmental tribes, armies, militias and terror groups.
Playing his favorite board game with whoever had the patience to explain the rules every single time has always been the intellectual and philosophical underpinning of Trump’s military policy, sources say. Throughout the presidential campaign, for instance, he had been fond of reminding advisers that no one is going to get Europe’s 5-army bonus if all the NATO countries insist on occupying distinct territories.
Advisers from the Department of Defense have been trying in vain to persuade Trump to take a more nuanced and academically rigorous view of the conflict. So far they have only been successful in convincing him that “taking Australia on turn one and sitting on the Indonesian bottleneck until we can build up our forces” would be a terrible idea.