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Vietnam veteran eats at DFAC, complains about acronym

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Thanksgiving DFAC

FORT POLK, La. — Cutler Rogerson, a veteran who served with 2-503rd of the 173rd Airborne Brigade in Vietnam in 1967, spent his entire meal at the Patriot Inn Dining Facility (DFAC) complaining about that acronym, sources confirmed today.

“D-F-A-C? Dee fac?” Rogerson kept asking his disinterested spouse, children and grandchildren. “Where’s the chow hall, the mess hall? Where’s the scarf-and-barf?”

His wife, Elizabeth, was nonplussed. “Why does he have to do that?” she asked. “Why this agenda, after all these years? We could have gone to Huddle House instead. He likes Huddle House and there’s no acronym. No HH, no problem.”

As Rogerson surveyed a facility full of GIs enjoying expertly-prepared food spilling over the sides of their plates, he scowled. “Butter soft,” he said. “Sure, good lighting, comfortable chairs, a big salad bar, a healthy-dessert table, and happy Soldiers. That’s damned disgusting.” He lit into his delicious Springfield honey ham, one of three perfectly roasted for the day. Between bites of carrot mousse, beet a la Doyenne and rustic bread baked in-house, he told his family, “No wonder we lost Iraq.”

“I’m responsible for the preparation and service of food at Patriot Inn,” said Staff Sgt. Joy Turner, a Culinary Specialist at Patriot Inn. “Beyond that, I make sure that Soldiers, retirees, and dependents have access to quality meals that reflect our culinary values.”

Looking at Rogerson, Turner said, “I cooked a damn fine ham for that ham, and I did it in a DFAC, not a chow hall.”

Dr. Roger Sims, a historian with the U.S. Army Center of Military History, said that dining language and attitudes have changed over the years.

“Negative connotations associated with words like chow and mess were rooted out in the 1980s,” said Sims. “Today’s Army promotes state-of-the-art concepts of kitchen sanitation and taste as it goes about the critical task of making sure that Soldiers don’t overwhelm our precious plumbing systems five minutes after eating. So we prefer to use the modern phrase dining facility — in line with the core shitter values espoused by our beloved Army engineers.”

“Well,” Rogerson concluded, wiping gravy off his shirt with a corner of an embroidered tablecloth before putting a second slice of sugar-free pumpkin pie into a second napkin and into his M-65 field jacket, “dining hall or not, this DFAC thing is de facto stupid.”

However, working a toothpick outside the DFAC while his extended family quickly moved to their 15 cars, Rogerson appeared to alter his anti-acronym stance. “You know, that’s what a chow hall is supposed to do. Make you sleepy, and mildly sick. We’ll be back to this Gag-And-Go real soon.” He laughed. “Or would that be GAG?”

Miscellaneous

ISIS bride launches bath bomb business on Etsy

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AL-HOUL CAMP, Syria – ISIS bride Hoda Muthana is fighting to return from Syria the old fashioned American way — by running her own business until she can afford the airfare home.

“I’ve always had this innate, entrepreneurial drive,” said Muthana. “That’s why I created my own line of bath bombs and started a business on Etsy.”

Hoda’s bath bombs had an immediate sales spike after launch. Her top sellers: Inshavanilla, 72 Virgin Bubbles, and Rosy Ménage Fàtwa. Despite the mostly positive reviews, some buyers weren’t satisfied.

“These are without a doubt the worst batch of bombs I’ve ever purchased,” said ISIS fighter, Mo Deaver, who planted a dozen ‘Fresh Car Blast’ bath bombs in the battlefield. “Not a single one went off — not one. Absolute rubbish.”

At the National Ground Intelligence Center in Virginia, Army Lt. Col. Brian Curry has been overseeing a team of foreign technology experts as they scramble to understand the new rainbow-colored threats that have been popping up.

“We haven’t yet determined the exact composition of the recovered samples, but we did have a recent breakthrough,” said Curry. “A lieutenant accidentally spilled some water on one, which triggered a chemical reaction and an offensively fruity odor. The LT has since been quarantined until the long term affects can be assessed.”

The decision to work and save money wasn’t entirely Hoda’s choice but complications surfaced after she discovered that America was less than supportive of her decision to join a foreign terrorist organization committed to destroying the United States.

“I don’t think the U.S. is going to hook me up with a free ticket.” Hoda shook her head. “But hey, on the bright side I’m becoming more independent. When I fly back to Alabama, it’ll be on my own terms. Roll tide!”

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Miscellaneous

ISIS leader has volunteers for suicide bombings but no one will read his screenplay

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HAJIN, Syria – In the last 6 years, ISIS leader Abu Omar al-Baghdadi has called for jihad, death to westerners, and martyrdom, but al-Baghdadi now faces his most ambition request so far: notes on his new screenplay, sources confirmed today.

“A Terrorist and a Gentleman” is al-Baghdadi’s first attempt at writing drama. He describes the work as a struggle between the experiential and narrative self that asks “what does it mean to be a terrorist in the 21st century?” He called his work the “‘Casablanca’ of the Arab world,” in an online video.

Unfortunately, that claim has gone unchallenged. After widespread calls for followers to take up 180 pages of heavy dialogue and exposition, al-Baghdadi has not received a single call or email.

“I haven’t read it,’ said a new recruit who asked not to use his name. “I’m not saying I won’t, I just don’t know if I’m going to have time between now and killing myself.”

“Come on just read it,” replied al-Baghdadi when asked for comment. “Seriously, I can take it. I know its good, so you’re not going to hurt my feelings. Just please read it?”

Several ISIS prisoners were offered time outside and extra rations on the condition that they provided constructive criticism. All prisoners responded with name, rank, service number and date of birth.

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Duffel Blog Presents

Duffel Blog Presents: 5 tips for a killer beach body

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Winter can be full of holiday parties, lazy snow days on the couch, and a few too many glasses of eggnog. Don’t get too comfortable, though, because spring is just around the corner! Are you ready for sand and sun? As you get ready for that big trip to Normandy or Tarawa, Duffel Blog is here to help you with 5 great tips for getting a killer beach body.

  1. Massing Firepower

Workin’ it is more fun with friends! When you hit that beach, your kill count will be higher with an array of direct and indirect fires. Give that killer beach body the love it deserves with a classic crew-served weapon like a sleek ma deuce. Suppressive fire is a great warm up for closing in and destroying your enemies in close contact.

  1. Battle Drill 1A

There are a lot of fancy sounding boutique exercises out there, but when getting ready for an action-packed day on the beach, you can’t do better than getting back to basics with battle drill 1A. Movement to contact or deliberate hasty assault? Either way you’ll be ready for anything by keeping it tight with actions on the objective. Get it together with eight of your hottie friends and make everyone in the amphibious assault jealous of your #SquadGoals.

  1. A Grappling Hook

Nonstop cardio will only get you so far. For the rockiest outcrops, try a large grappling hook. Postcard beaches may be smooth and sandy, but Pointe Du Hoc looks like a rock climbing gym without the crag bunnies to belay. Not only is this a killer core workout, there’s also a machine gun nest full of krauts at the top to neutralize. Not enough? Look into a Bangalore torpedo to kick your landing up a notch.

  1. Have a goal in mind

Getting a killer beach body is easier if you have a role model. Find someone you idealize, like Pvt. Carlton W. Barrett, who was forced to wade ashore in neck deep water on D-day and returned to the beach repeatedly to assist causalities to an offshore boat and help others to shore while floundering in the rough surf–all while being pinned down by German mortar and machine gun fire. Paste a picture of Barrett to the inside of your gym locker, and before every workout say, “today’s time on the elliptical is dedicated to your coolness and natural leadership under direct fire.” Look at yourself in the mirror while you’re lifting, and say, “Looking more like Carlton every day.”

  1. Dehumanizing the enemy

You can be physically fit, but making that toned body a killer body is all about the mindset. One helpful tip is to dehumanize the enemy. Practice these visualization drills on your landing craft: see your enemy in an exaggerated, mutated form, then give them a callous nickname. Remember, a killer beach body takes some work, but you can’t argue with the results.

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Army

DTRA major wears his uniform for the first time in five years

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FORT BELVOIR, Va. – Surprise and confusion occurred at the Defense Threat Reduction Agency (DTRA) headquarters when Army Maj. Greg Tomlinson wore his uniform for the first time in as long as any employee there can remember, sources confirmed today.

“Wearing it felt weird,” Tomlinson said. “I’ve gained some weight, so I had to suck in the old gut a bit. I doubt anybody noticed.”

As at most commands and activities, DTRA policy requires military personnel to wear their uniforms regularly. However, Tomlinson chose a path that could be considered unorthodox.

“I like to look sharp, and that’s almost impossible in that ugly-ass mashup of camouflage and velcro called the Army Combat Uniform,” Tomlinson said. “So I bought some blazers from J. Crew and ditched the ACUs. The last time I wore a uniform was on Veterans Day in 2013 to get 30 percent off at Denny’s.”

“But this month I got a wild hair and decided to break out the ACUs,” Tomlinson said. “I found them in an old aviator kit bag in the basement next to the cat’s litter box. My rank badge was stuck into the family cork board, holding up the school lunch schedule and some coupons for KFC. My beret was in our son’s toy box, and how it got there is anybody’s guess. Kids!”

Personnel at DTRA showed a variety of reactions to seeing Tomlinson in uniform. Sgt. Greg Gomez, administrative NCO in Tomlinson’s division, mistook the major for a newly arriving officer.

“I scheduled him for a newcomer’s briefing and the next unit weigh-in and PT test,” Gomez said.

“It was a little odd that they scheduled me for a newcomer’s briefing, but I attended anyhow and learned a lot, like that it’s policy for military personnel to wear their uniforms weekly. Who knew?” said Tomlinson.

“If he’s going to sham out on the uniform, he should at least get a clue about style,” said Staff Sgt. Rachel Bailey. “He acts all ‘Mr. Fashion’ in his J. Crew outfits but in reality, Tommy fucking Hilfiger here can’t match a tie to a shirt to save his life.”

Wearing the uniform resulted in distinct changes in how people perceived Tomlinson and his role in DTRA activities.

“Nobody bothered me when I wore civilian clothes, said Tomlinson. “Maybe my identity was ambiguous, or people thought I was a senior warrant officer. Now that they know I’m a major, everybody keeps asking for help with their PowerPoint presentations as if I’m some kind of PowerPoint expert! Actually, I am a PowerPoint expert, so its really okay.”

Tomlinson’s return to the uniform may also have unintended consequences for other officers at DTRA headquarters.

“I thought he was your typical civilian with an over-inflated ego and a limited duty day,” Thomas Bowles, a senior executive, said. “Now I know he’s actually your typical major with an over-inflated ego. I’m going to see if we have other field grade officers masquerading as civilians. We make a lot of PowerPoint presentations here, so we need all the majors we can get.”

Departing for the day, Tomlinson said he intended to “devote some serious time” to getting rock hard abs. And finding his PT uniform.

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Miscellaneous

Are millennials killing the aimless, protracted war industry?

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Have we reached the end of publicly-supported, mutli-decade wars that have no estimable completion deadline and no clear-cut objectives? Now that they’re done ruining the turkey industry, it appears that millennials have found another staple of the American economy to kill.

Recent polls conducted by Stanford University have indicated that youth born between the years of 1982 and 2004 widely oppose the invasion of foreign nations on shaky premises. Despite the rise in sales of Support Our Troops bumper stickers and tactical gear being 20 percent off at FireForEffect.com, it seems like young people just aren’t interested in following the previous generations’ footsteps.

DuffelBlog took to the streets of Portland to meet some of these millennials. The conversations were edifying, and perhaps a little frightening.

Josiah Denter, a budding wine grape taxonomist, graciously put his plans for not buying a house and not having children on hold to talk to Duffel Blog. He seemed alarmingly unconcerned about the health of the protracted war industry.

“I mean, I guess drones are cool and all. But I prefer using them to take selfies during a three day nature cleanse in Joshua Tree National Park. Not, like, hellfire missiles and stuff,” Denter said.

The U.S. defense budget increased from $664 billion to $688 billion from 2017 to 2018 – a 3 percent increase. That may sound like the war industry is booming, but it’s actually down from the 2016 to 2017 change, which was nearly an 11 percent increase. The blame for the missing 8 percent can be placed firmly at the feet of young people who no longer enjoy spending their adult lives in moral gray areas.

Millennials, however, aren’t taking the finger-pointing lying down. Many of them believe that their lack of support for wars old enough to be their fathers is due to an increasingly polarized economic system, designed to keep wealth at the top 1 percent and shrink the size of the middle class.

“I can’t invade a foreign country until the minimum wage achieves parity with inflation and the purchasing power of the dollar,” local niche scatological artist Sarah Alshaz said on her Twitch channel, which, combined with her Patreon, is her only source of income. “I also have nearly three hundred thousand dollars of school loans to pay off. Liberal arts degrees from Ivy League schools are expensive. We just can’t afford war like the baby boomers, who could conduct a land war in Europe on a single income with a pension.”

It’s a problem of outreach, according to recruitment specialists. The armed forces are trying to target millennials in hopes they can convince them that a small Middle Eastern country using dial-up internet is worth bombing with ordnance worth more than its GDP, but success has been minimal.

“We tried that,” Maj. Lindsey Wilkinson, a Strategic Command spokesperson, said in a blog article. “It backfired. It seems like no matter how we hashtag something, the droves of millennials on social media just aren’t ready to do what it takes to embroil the United States in long, drawn-out conflicts with no clear objectives. I believe America has seen its best days.”

Even after examining the statistics, the fate of the endless war industry has yet to be determined. But, if millennials have anything to say about it, the war in Afghanistan – and others like it – may only extend to 2035.

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Miscellaneous

Captain Li Shang relieved of command for toxic masculinity

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CHANGCHUN, China — The Chinese Army relieved a decorated army officer and son of legendary Gen. Li of his command position after details were leaked that the promising young officer had “fostered a command climate of toxic masculinity,” sources confirmed today.

While training recruits for war against the invading Hun Army, Capt. Shang reportedly abused his primarily male recruits, asking if their families had sent daughters when he’d asked for sons. Several of Li’s troops have come forward with allegations against him, and many more anonymous complaints have been received by Imperial Headquarters.

Li screamed at his troops to “be a man” no less than nine times, according to eyewitnesses. Several other reports claim he told the trainees he would “make a man out of them.”

Imperial advisor Chi Fu was appointed to investigate the claims, a decision met with criticism. One recruit, Fa Ping, has reported that Chi is equally misogynistic in his regular professional conduct. Despite the criticism and expectations that the investigation would quickly exonerate the captain, Chi claims to have already found staggering evidence of an anti-woman command culture.

“The captain and troops have accused me of squealing like a girl, revealing what is clearly a culture of systemic misogyny,” said Chi Fu. “And that’s only what I experienced directly. I have heard whispers that Shang would be willing to execute a woman simply for joining the army, which I would have no part of. I am completely loyal to the emperor’s intersectional guidance plan and believe that our strength is not in what’s considered ‘manly,’ but rather diversity.”

The toxic masculinity scandal has rocked the Chinese Army particularly hard as it comes on the heels of a sensational report that claims nearly 100 percent of the troops were the same race, dipping readiness far below necessary levels. The one silver lining according to that report was that the army had exactly zero white people, a welcome statistic.

In response to the investigation’s initial findings, Imperial Headquarters has decided to put Li Shang on unpaid administrative leave and send his recruits home with service waivers.

At press time, all parties involved were seen being assimilated into Hun culture.

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Miscellaneous

Amazing! Afghanistan’s ’10-year challenge’ picture looks exactly the same

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Above: Afghanistan, 2009. Below: Afghanistan, 2019.

KABUL, Afghanistan — The small, landlocked nation of Afghanistan once again made headlines this week after posting photos to social media for Facebook’s “10-year challenge,” State Department officials confirmed today.

The mountainous and war-torn state uploaded two, juxtaposed pictures yesterday taken a full decade apart with the caption, “Can’t believe it’s been ten years! Felt cute, might delete later. #2009 #2019 #tenyearchallenge”

Users on social media were soon engulfed by the sheer timelessness of Afghanistan’s viral post, with many noting “how [Afghanistan] hasn’t changed one bit.”

“It would appear that Afghanistan is as ageless as it is hopeless,” announced Secretary of State Mike Pompeo. “If you look closely, you can actually make out the Taliban presence in the background, even after all those years apart — amazing.”

Afghanistan has modestly brushed aside such compliments as the hard-earned results of a broken government, shattered infrastructure, and the iron fist of theocratic zealots seeking to wrest control of its populace, though the country did admit to having some help from the United States.

At press time, the hashtag, “#StanDontBland” was trending just ahead of “#BlackDontCrack” and “#AsianDontRaisin”.

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Miscellaneous

Payday lenders still kicking ass since shutdown doesn’t affect military

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Columbus, Ga. — Tensions are high throughout the government with the current shutdown, but payday lenders outside the gates of military installations across the country are doing absolutely fabulous, sources confirmed today.
As more and more service members are brought home from the current conflicts, they find themselves wanting to buy $1,349 worth of alcohol in a single night. There is really only one way for a soldier to get their hands on that kind of money semi-legally, and outlets with exorbitant interest rates are only more than willing to help.
“Phew! We were sorta worried about it all back there,” said Paul Sunders, a payday lender that prefers to be called Eagle, outside of Fort Benning, Georgia. “If those kids stop getting paid, it becomes a real mess for us.”
Eagle is the embodiment of the American dream. He wears an oversized American flag suit with matching tie and tennis shoes. His eyeglasses automatically faded into sunglasses when Duffel Blog correspondents met him outside his establishment.
Eagle comes from a long line of payday lenders, dating back to the Civil War when payday lenders were basically the same as they are today — camping outside of the sites soldiers stayed and moving from camp to camp promising the soldiers money immediately along with sips of Moutain Dew.
“Many granddaddies ago, we used to only break thumbs when a loan wasn’t paid. I’d like to think we’re a lot more polite these days. We thank every soldier for their service before we wreck the sh*t out of their credit scores,” Eagle said. “We also started a punchcard program so you get that tenth loan at a real good 20 percent.”
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