Army veterinarian tired of being thanked for her service
Capt. Martinez, U.S. Army Veterinarian, operates on a K-9 who will slay Taliban goat-fuckers.

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — A U.S. Army veterinarian says she is sick of the veteran accolades she gets every time she goes out in public, since she’s never deployed or cared for so much as one ass-raped goat in Afghanistan, sources confirmed.

“I go out for a simple Chick-fil-A Spicy Deluxe Sandwich and the next thing you know there’s a JROTC honor guard marching to the cash register,” says Capt. Andrea Martinez.

“Sure, I joined — I like the idea of national service and the Army has helped foot my vet school bills. But this shit has got to stop.”

Martinez is fully aware that people mistake her title for service members who have “been in the mix,” “in the shit,” and “outside the wire,” according to the public’s usual standard for veteran status, but, she added: “I’m a veterinarian, not a veteran, and I’m not even trained on goats, so what the hell would I know about beastiology in the first place?”

Still, Martinez hopes to deploy soon, since she wants to overcome the stigma that accompanies Army veterinarians who spend their careers in the continental United States taking care of general officers’ gerbils on the down-low.

Lieutenant Dan
Lieutenant Dan contributes to Duffel Blog. He previously led a group of Air Force company grade officers who have all the solutions to all the world's problems. Now he rescues dogs and sings them to sleep with classic Air Force songs like “Trust the System” and “Don't Fall Out of Formation.”