THE PENTAGON — Following on the heels of the Performance Triad campaign, the Army's Office of the Surgeon General is rolling out new measures aimed at enhancing soldier performance, to include a recommendation for all soldiers to consume at least ten energy drinks daily.

"While the Performance Triad is an important first step, let's be honest. Real performance comes from ingesting immense amounts of psychostimulants," said Lt. Gen. Nadja West, the 44th Surgeon General of the Army.

According to sources close to West, the Surgeon General was discouraged upon recently learning that many soldiers only consume three to four energy drinks daily, referring to them as "pussies" who "can't handle a little caffeine."