HOLLYWOOD — A new action-thriller movie based on true experiences from a search-and-rescue unit is set to be the next Coast Guard movie that no one will actually watch, sources confirmed today.
“The Impossible Rescue” stars actor Tom Hardy, whose acting credits include “Inception” and “Mad Max: Fury Road.” Sources say Hardy will be the main protagonist whose rescue efforts saved a bunch of people or whatever. Though the sources added that, what’s the point anyway since nobody will see a Coast Guard movie no matter who the fuck is in it.
With Ashton Kutcher and Chris Pine already sporting lead roles in Coast Guard films and supporting roles with Kevin Costner and Casey Affleck, star power seems to have zero effect on audience draw, the sources said.
Director Peter Berg — whose credits include “Patriots Day,” “Lone Survivor,” and “Battleship” — will be forced to direct this future box-office failure with a screenplay by Bob Stark (“The Man Who Saw Nothing”), yet both have acknowledged that the odds are against them since no one has ever watched a Coast Guard-themed movie.
With “The Guardian” (2006) earning a dismal $18 million on its opening weekend and “The Finest Hours” (2016) earning an impressively bad $10.3 million in its opening weekend, “The Impossible Rescue” is projected to earn a gross loss of about $80 million once all is said and done.
Sources say the film’s cast will also include a generic white woman who will be a two-dimensional love interest, an up-and-coming young actor from some TV show you’ve never watched, while an aging actor that you’ve seen in a bunch of movies but can’t remember his goddamn name will play the unit’s commanding officer.
The casting notice on Craigslist mentions that “The Impossible Rescue” will be “good enough for your IMDB page” and has promised that “maybe your parents will see it when it comes out on Netflix.”
Deadline Hollywood describes “The Impossible Rescue“ as “the story of a hero who, against all odds, saved lots and lots of people from drowning but couldn’t save Hollywood money from doing another stupid Coast Guard movie.”
“The Impossible Rescue” is set to be released sometime in 2017, where it will be in theaters for two weeks, and subsequently released on Blu-Ray/DVD at the bottom of the $5 bin at Wal-Mart.
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