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Mattis signs order formally recognizing Jalapeno cheese spread as currency at all DoD facilities


WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Jim Mattis has signed an order formally recognizing the Jalapeno cheese spread found in meals, ready-to-eat as currency at all DoD facilities.

The move was long overdue for many service members who saw it as a staple of military trades.

Supporters said it would undermine the E-4 Mafia’s monopoly on the cheese spread and reduce illegal trade on the Lance Corporal Underground. A few critics, comprised mostly of airmen, had no idea what an MRE was or why jalapeno cheese spread was such a big deal.

Mattis dismissed the opposition as trivial. In a press conference, he told reporters that if Air Force service members continued to complain, he would “disband their pogue asses and reintegrate them back into the Army.”

The exact monetary value for one packet has not yet been decided, though the current going rate for a single unopened pack fluctuates between a pack of cigarettes and a first-born child. However, the highest amount ever received for jalapeno cheese spread was a commitment to do a 16-year reenlistment.

The DoD is also considering adding Skittles, no-shave chits, and left testicles as other forms of acceptable payment.

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