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Flynn resigns after Mattis and Kelly repeatedly steal his lunch money


WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump’s national security adviser Michael Flynn has resigned his post amid constant bullying from Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis and Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly, sources confirmed.

The two retired Marine generals pushed the former intelligence chief repeatedly in the halls of The White House, and at least one stole Flynn’s lunch money on a daily basis.

In letter of resignation, Flynn mentioned that Mattis and Kelly would snap towels at him in the cabinet locker room while referring to his butt cheeks as “Boris and Natasha.”

Though Flynn admitted that he gave Vice President Mike Pence and others “incomplete information” about his calls with Russia’s ambassador to the United States, Flynn explained that he actually reached out to Ambassador Sergey Kislyak for lessons in the Russian martial art of sambo.

“I was just tired of those two jocks pushing me around,” said Flynn in his letter. “They haven’t left me alone in nearly a month.”

Flynn further complained Mattis once pinned him against a wall in the White House and told him that “integrity was like virginity,” and Flynn was “likely going to give up both.”

Likewise, Kelly was accused of pushing the national security adviser to tears during a national security briefing after detailing a racy encounter he allegedly had with a Russian mail-order bride that turned out to be Flynn’s mother.

“Those guys are just dicks,” said Flynn. “I quit.”

Both Mattis and Kelly were unavailable for comment as calls to their offices resulted in nothing but raucous laughter.

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