URASOE, Japan — A Marine sergeant major stationed on Camp Kinser, Okinawa, is physically unable to choose any selection from a vending machine not labeled “E9,” sources confirmed today.
Sgt. Maj. Matthew Brooks is frequently seen checking vending machines on and off base in hopes of finding anything in the E9 slots that he enjoys, according to reports. Just this morning, for example, he was conducting recon on a new set of machines on a street corner just outside Gate 3.
“Let’s see,” he said, squatting halfway down to get a better view. “E9, E9, E9… there it is. Oh no, fucking green tea again? Damn it all to hell, I just want some Cafe Au Lait. Let’s see the next one… crap, this one’s a cigarette vendor. Huh, actually that’ll do.”
While his peculiarity hasn’t affected 3rd Supply Battalion’s mission readiness, it has raised some eyebrows.
“One time he specifically asked me to find him a melon soda from that spot in a machine,” Lance Cpl. Jared Mills told reporters. “After about 45 minutes of walking around base I said fuck it and grabbed the first one I saw. When I gave it to him he chewed my ass for 15 minutes straight. Apparently he could tell it was from A6.”
Mills added: “I’m telling you, he’s a freak of nature.”
While experts say they can’t explain Brooks’ seemingly superhuman vending machine affinity, they are considering labeling it the first known case of MOCD, or Motivational Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
“I think’s it’s a crock of shit,” said Command Master Chief Mel Donovan, as he picked out his own beverage from the machine. “He’s just a pathetic motivator looking to fellate himself over his service in any way possible.”
Donovan chuckled to himself as he input his selection. “B2! Sunk my battleship,” he said.
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