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Civilian who ‘loves our troops’ has never actually met a troops

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HARTFORD, Conn. — Local man Kyle Jennings, who has a yellow ribbon bumper sticker and says he “loves our troops,” has never actually met someone who has served in the United States military.

“I think I saw a troops recruiting at my children’s high school once, but of course I would never consider letting my son join,” said Jennings. “We go to college in this family.”

In addition to the Army t-shirt he wears to the gym the three times a year that he exercises, Jennings shows his support for the troops by posting a thank you message on social media every Labor Day, Fourth of July, “or whatever that troops holiday is,” sources confirmed.

Some experts have written that the growing divide between the military and civilian populations is a major problem in American society. However, Pvt. Chad Worth disagrees. He says that without this divide the military would be exposed to too many “weak ass sheeple.”

“Civilians are all fucking pussies,” said Worth, who recently enlisted in the Marine Corps after a months-long struggle to pass his Initial Strength Test. “Bunch of lazy weaklings who would be eaten by the wolves if us sheepdogs didn’t protect them.”

While Jennings recognizes that the gap between the military and civilian world is real, he says it won’t stop him from pretending to stay informed on national security issues. After all, he added that the US owes a great deal of gratitude to “the brave men and women who defeated the al-Qaedas and ended the war in Iraq.”

“I saw this one troops in the bar the other day and wanted to thank him for his service, but he looked kind of mean with all his tattoos and stuff so I didn’t,” recounted Jennings. “He probably had PTSD or something.”

A demobilized Mobile Infantryman currently serving as Chief Cryptozoologist for the State of Rhode Island, he specializes in growing mustaches, deadlifting in silkies, and picking fights with '90s-era wrestlers. @theschmedium

Air Force

Space Force now soliciting uniform concepts from industry

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Two months ago, President Donald Trump announced the creation of a new branch of military service within the Department of Defense, the U.S. Space Force. A recently released Pentagon report revealed that, almost immediately after the President’s announcement, a Pentagon official named Mr. James Fortran deployed to various locations within the U.S. in an attempt to find an answer to the question that what was cited as “the Space Force’s most significant hurdle in its long road to activation:”

“What will the uniforms look like?”

The report details that Fortran was first sent to California to meet with interested uniform suppliers. Bored by extraordinarily simple suggestions like “let’s make human exosuits with built-in jetpacks” or cost-effective, nonsensical ideas such as “just keep the same design as the rest of the military, you idiot,” Fortran decided to head to the San Francisco Comic Con event for inspiration.

The images featured above represent a portion of Fortran’s portfolio, which he submitted to the Pentagon at the conclusion of his trip. Published transcripts from his presentation cite him as commenting that “they’re perfect… look at how eccentric, robust, and forward-thinking these designs are! When Americans think of space marines, this is what they will picture in their minds.”

Fortran’s portfolio also mentions a meeting with Bungie, the creators of the Halo gaming universe. Details from this meeting were unfortunately classified, but Fortran was cited as stating that the meeting went “very, very well” and that the ensuing discussion was “very, very promising” in the presentation’s transcripts.

Fortran has returned to the Pentagon, where a series of meetings are currently underway to evaluate his findings. The Pentagon declined to comment on any specifics relating to the consideration of Fortran’s uniform findings. However, inside sources revealed that Captain Charles Bunkley of the United States Navy, who led the introduction of the blue type 1 working uniform made to have sailors blend in with the ocean, suggested a black uniform imprinted with various constellations, nebulas, and galaxies. It appears as if this idea is also being seriously considered.

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Army

Navy pranks Army with 17 years of sustained land-based combat just before Army-Navy game

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PHILADELPHIA — Midshipmen carried on a long tradition of friendly hijinks just before their collegiate rivalry game by pranking Army with 17 years of sustained land-based combat to just “get in their heads” before the big game today.

“We thought, what if these guys who aren’t old enough to drink figure out they’ve dedicated their futures to sprawling forever wars?” said Midshipman Michael Nelson, the senior leading the prank. “Who could mimic the tactics of war for screaming football fans? Once they hold the knowledge that blood and sacrifice will never accomplish the political ends we call victory, they’ll never be able to focus on the game. Navy Wins! Dude, we pwned them good.”

“Plus, after that thing with the Air Force Falcon, we didn’t want to touch animals.” added Nelson.

Nelson got the idea for the hilarious prank while making an Army-Navy rivalry video in his room in Bancroft Hall.

“We ran out of gay jokes, and I was thinking about getting stationed in Oahu with my hot first wife while West Point’s players were going to be leading pointless presence patrols on a route called futility. That’s when I realized that it was the perfect prank!” he said.

Darnell Woolfolk, West Point’s starting running back, fell victim to the hijinks late Friday night when his roommate’s sort of hot cousin called. Little did he know she was working for Team Navy and would subtly let him know that win or lose, he could look forward to multiple rotations in the same wars his father fought.

“I was really pumped up for the game.” Said Woolfolk. “I was listening to Future and thinking about crushing Navy. Then I slowly started thinking about the sacrifices I was making for an American populace that grows further disconnected and disinterested in what we say we’re fighting for. I immediately snuck into Washington Hall to eat spaghetti on ice cream from our special athlete refrigerators.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Woolfolk added, staring into an existential void of multiple deployments, football-induced brain injuries, and strawberry ice cream. “None of it matters anymore.”

As a battered copy of the ‘The Quaker Guide to Gaining Conscientious Objector Status” circulated around the student section of Lincoln Financial Field, West Point’s Corps of Cadets fought back in the healthy spirit of inter-service rivalry by reminding the Brigade of Midshipmen that soon, they’d be wearing an Army uniform and calling themselves “sand sailors” no matter how many aircraft carriers Congress to gave them.

The practical joke strategy worked so well that Navy plans to get in conference rival Tulane’s head by reminding them about the crippling interest rate on student loan debt and the chances of finding job after graduation.

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Pentagon buys F-35 with unpaid GI Bill benefits

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WASHINGTON — The Pentagon is getting one extra F-35 this year, thanks to the Department of Veterans Affairs screwing thousands of veterans out of GI Bill benefits.

Lord pounced on the lost funds after VA officials told Congressional staffers that underpaid benefits would not be reconciled. Fixing the payment issue would require the VA to audit potentially millions of past claims, which is just too much work. For now, it seems the VA will simply uphold the time-honored tradition of fucking veterans while publicly promising to stop fucking veterans.

“Lethality is the Department’s top priority,” said Ellen M. Lord, under secretary of defense for acquisition and sustainment. “We are one step closer to achieving it thanks to all you soon-to-be homeless and degree-less student vets. Thank you for service and your housing allowance.”

The withheld money was slated for repurposing to the Booz Allen Hamilton IT contract responsible for implementing the glitch-filled payment system, but Lord managed to re-appropriate it to Lockheed Martin instead.

When asked about the impact to current veterans, Lord demurred.

“It’s a terrible situation, for sure, but we’re in the business of creating veterans, not sending them to Columbia University,” she said. “And just look at all those F-35 capabilities. It even has pockets!”

Unfortunately, just enough student veterans received at least partial payment, so the Pentagon can only afford an F-35 Lightning I½. A spokeswoman for Lockheed Martin confirmed that the purchase still counted toward Lord’s loyalty rewards punch card. The Pentagon needs to purchase 94 more Joint Strike Fighters before the defense contracting behemoth throws in free cockpit cup holders.

Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert Wilkie shocked his department with a promise that every last dime would be repaid — no easy task as the Pentagon already cashed the check.

“Good luck with that, Bob,” said Lord, “but for now, mama’s gettin’ her F-35.”

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Navy

Zip-tied Somali pirates bet on how many SEAL memoirs they’ll be in

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MOGADISHU, Somalia — Four zip-tied Somali nationals placed bets on how many Navy SEAL memoirs they would be featured in, according to three SEAL memoirs already published since yesterday’s stand-off.

“Three shots in the dark, and the sacred rite of warfare had ended,” read one description of the mission in 2nd Class Petty Officer Jim MacDonald’s memoir “After Action: Hindsight through NVGs.” “It was a scene that has played out countless times in history: a little boat rocking in the moonlight that was like the gaze of Valhalla, a band of pirates arguing heatedly about how many airport bookstores would carry ghostwritten accounts of their capture.”

Another account of the event appeared in 2nd Class Petty Officer Joe Silvo’s “No Fear: Lessons on Hard Core Leadership for Market Uncertainty.”

“Hard core leaders eat accountability for breakfast,” read the opening paragraph of Chapter One: Hard Core Competencies. “But it can also make even the hardest core leaders feel vulnerable. For instance, when a band of pirates ridiculed me to tears as shameless self-promoter who would disgrace the Navy by cashing in on the prestige of the SEAL name to sell schlock to corporate executives, I almost didn’t ask them for a quote for this book.”

The betting took place after SEAL snipers killed three armed pirates who had taken an American oil tanker crew hostage in a small boat in the Gulf of Aden. Four Somalis were left to contemplate their fates as the SEALs moved in.

“As the bow of our boat parted the mist, we heard groans of agony rising from the pirate’s dinghy,” recalled Chief Petty Officer Ruben Martinez in “Crunch Time: Navy SEAL Secrets to Rock-Hard Abs.”

“Prepared for an ugly scene, we were surprised to find the pirates alert and unharmed, resigned to the fact that they would be reduced to two-dimensional caricatures in the many, many books that would be written about this non-event.”

The captives were driven to piracy by social and environmental forces that were out of their control, which should be considered when depicting them in film or literature, according to screenwriter Katherine Heller who designed the memoir-writing phase of SEAL Qualification Training.

“Picture a community devastated by war, disease, starvation, and neglect, and drop it right at the edge of the sea,” she told a class Wednesday, underlining “Raise The Stakes” on a chalkboard. “It’s the brutal friction between these two realities — the barbarity of man, the endlessness mystery of the raging ocean — that wrought these charact … I mean, survivors, and drove them to confrontation with the most hardened killers in the US military.”

“This is ‘Lone Survivor‘-level sales for anyone who does it right,” she added.

As Duffel Blog went to press, the four as-yet unnamed men were en route to a holding facility in Norfolk, Virginia, where they will face a grueling schedule of interviews by the hundreds of SEALs currently writing memoirs.

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Coast Guard

Border Wall to be constructed out of unfinished Coast Guard cutters

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EL PASO, Texas — Federal authorities have awarded over 30 unfinished Coast Guard cutters to a Texas company to build 12 miles of wall along the U.S.-Mexico border in the Chihuahuita area, sources confirm today.

Texas contractor FLURP Inc. will begin construction of a 418-foot reinforced steel levee wall in January in the agency’s El Paso region using remaining parts and materials from unfinished and unneeded boats, Coast Guard representatives told reporters. The company also will use the money saved from building more Coast Guard vessels to dig a sick moat with alligators and build a super cool draw bridge.

President Donald Trump has promised that the Coast Guard cutters on the border will provide an impenetrable defense against all aspects of illegal immigration and shot down questions of migrants using boats to cross.

“Shut your mouth!” the president said, pointing at a reporter. “They can’t get here on boats. You think those rapists and murders can afford a yacht?”

The section will be the first of Trump’s border barriers in the valley, which is considered one of the busiest corridors for illegal crossings. Other areas have been completed with remnants of discarded F-35 parts.

“The wall will be comprised of several security layers: a broken flight deck camera system, miles and miles of rusted steel peppered with white and red paint, and guard towers built out of discarded non-skid,” Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen told reporters. “We’re also looking at utilizing pursuit boats stacked on top of one another that we otherwise would have used to interdict drug traffickers and a bunch of helicopter blades on top of the wall from Coast Guard search and rescue helicopters.”

Coast Guard representatives agreed with the decision and said they’ve been doing fine fine with what they already have.

“Considering how often these boats leak, it might be the best idea to place these things along the border,” said Capt. Barry Hughes.

“These invaders will be so disappointed once they see this massive impenetrable wall of badassness,” Texas resident and border militia founder Jamie Kearney told reporters. “I mean, how else can they get across our border? I literally can think of no other way of these assholes can get to America. I think we won!”

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Last American president to actually win a war has passed on

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Former President George H.W. Bush, who fought in World War II as a naval aviator and as the 41st president from 1989 to 1993, led American forces to decisive military victories over major powers including Iraq and Panama, died peacefully on Friday night at his home in Houston. He was 94 years old.

Bush began his long and distinguished career in public service as a sailor in 1942, when he enlisted in the Navy to avenge Pearl Harbor. By 1943, he was the youngest Naval aviator, flying a Grumman Avenger torpedo bomber against the Empire of Japan. He flew 58 combat missions and was awarded the Distinguished Flying Cross for heroism after being shot down and rescued by a submarine.

“They wrote it up as heroism,” Bush later told his biographer of the medal, “but it wasn’t — it was just doing your job.” His other military decorations included three Air Medals and the WWII Victory Medal.

After graduating from Yale, making a fortune in Texas oil, and serving as a congressman, director of the CIA and vice president under Ronald Reagan, Bush ascended to the presidency as a Republican in 1989. Within months, he ordered U.S. forces to invade Panama. The invasion toppled a generic Latin America dictator who may or may not have worked for the CIA and was a forgettable success. But the move was widely praised at the time for giving the military a “soft ball” to help it get over its post-Vietnam malaise.

By the end of 1989, probably because the Commies thought Reagan was still president, the Soviet Union crumbled. Sensing decisive victory was at hand, Bush skillfully talked Russian leaders into signing a “strategic partnership agreement” in which Russia threw in the towel in the Cold War in exchange for American promises that NATO would not expand even “one inch eastward.” This landmark agreement paved the way for NATO to expand 500 miles eastward towards Moscow and incorporate a dozen post-Soviet states, securing peace in Europe for generations.

Bush won his second war in the Middle East in 1991 after Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein invaded Kuwait. In response, Bush assembled an international military coalition to expel the Iraqi invaders from Kuwait and shake the Vietnam Syndrome once and for all. American forces and their allies charged across the desert and killed tens of thousands of Iraqis, liberating the small kingdom and keeping the price of oil reasonable. In the victorious aftermath of the war, American held its last unironic military parade.

Scholars agree that Bush’s victories enabled the military achievements of his successors. His actions to secure the contemporary rules-based international order and establish lasting American hegemony laid the foundation of contemporary American foreign policy.

“He is the reason we have enjoyed three decades of unfettered strategic raiding by U.S. forces in the Balkans, Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya and probably some places you couldn’t even find on a map,” said Luke Schumacher, an international relations scholar at the University of Chicago. “As we all know, those actions which have secured core American national interests. We would not be here without George H.W. Bush.”

President Donald Trump, among others, has praised Bush’s legacy.

“You know, he got shot down — and you know how I feel about people who got shot down — and we could have beat Japan sooner, but, in the end, he was a winner,” Trump told reporters at the White House. “And who doesn’t love winning? America loves winners.”

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Pokemon’s Lieutenant Surge hopelessly lost in Viridian Forest

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KANTO, JAPAN – Lt. Surge, the electric type gym leader of Pokemon’s Vermillion City, is missing, sources confirmed today.

The eight foot tall, frosted-tip behemoth – and Japan’s only frame of reference for Americans – disappeared during a battalion field exercise in the Viridian Forest last week.

“This happened during maneuvers on Mount Moon,” said Pfc. Ash Ketchum, one of Surge’s men. “He’ll show up in a few days claiming to have run into Team Rocket and stopped their evil plans. Then he’ll put himself in for a Bronze Staryu with EH.”

Known as “The Lightning American,” a callsign he gave himself after graduating at the top of his class from Pewter City Military Academy, Surge can usually be found hanging out at the base gym. Sources say he typically surrounds himself with a bunch of on-duty E-3s who he forces to say nice things about him to passing trainers under threat of Article 15.

“He keeps mentioning how his electric Pokemon saved him in the ‘war,’” said Surge’s CO, Officer Jenny, “Except everyone knows that Pallet Town isn’t a real deployment.”

Surge’s platoon speculates that the wayward officer is probably eating some poor Bug Catcher’s caterpie like he says they taught him at SERE.

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Army

Army sniper unable to hit toilet bowl

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FORT BENNING, Ga. – A local Army sniper met his match as he failed to successfully hit a toilet bowl at a nearby tavern, sources confirmed today.
Sgt. Doug Taylor, a 28-year old native of Des Moines, Iowa, missed his mark after whipping out his rifle and repeatedly failing to strike the water in the bottom of a toilet bowl during multiple ‘long shots’ that were fired after hours of heavy drinking.
“I don’t get it,” said Taylor who was unable to stand in one spot without swaying. “I adjusted to account for wind speed, altitude, and the ballistics involved – just like I was taught in sniper school. But, it was a no-go.”
Prior to the failed mission, reports show that Taylor properly identified and stalked the target and positioned himself for the most optimal shot by leaning up against a wall. He then fired, missing instantly and instead shooting the floor, spraying shrapnel all over his shoes.
One witness, Sgt. 1st Class Stan Hope, was disappointed to see one of his fellow snipers fail so miserably on what should have been an easy hit.
“He was out of range but only a little bit,” said Hope, who was assigned to follow Taylor into the bathroom and serve as the spotter. “He fell short. So I grabbed his hips and helped him readjust like we do in the field. He took a deep breath, relaxed, aimed, and I yelled ‘Send it!’ But, he was still off the mark by several inches and hit a nearby toilet plunger.”
Blaming the Coriolis Effect, the sniper and his spotter then quickly decided to take another shot. They immediately adjusted to an alternate firing position and squeezed off another round, missing by mere millimeters.
“We train with the M2010 Winchester Magnum rifle and can hit targets up to 1,300 meters. This, on the other hand, shouldn’t be a problem for him, even with his mini-rifle,” continued Hope. “Plus, this is a no-stress environment. I mean it’s not like toilets fire back at you.”
Staff Sgt. Salvatore Rotella, a tavern patron and designated marksman at another unit, saw the messy aftermath of the snipers handiwork.  “
“Isn’t accuracy supposed to be a priory for these guys?” he asked while his shoes stuck to the smelly floor. “Just last week I was able to chip off the edge of a urinal cake from a distance of 1 meter. The Army is going to deploy these guys? Embarrassing.”
Sources report that Taylor has been reprimanded by his teammates and will be provided supplemental training to attain the skills necessary to be successful during his next bathroom op.
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