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Coast Guard won’t come out of its room after dad doesn’t get the budget it wanted


WASHINGTON — The U.S. Coast Guard slammed the door and locked itself inside its bedroom late last week after learning its dad once again forgot to give it the budget the service had been requesting for many years.

The service reportedly stormed upstairs, locked its door, and burst into tears while surrounded by posters of advanced cutters, electronic equipment, and larger ships it had adorned on its walls in the hopes that it one day could have them.

“I just want at least one more icebreaker. One!” said the Coast Guard, noting that it had just two icebreakers, one of which was nearly 40 years old. The service has repeatedly told its dad it wanted 3 medium and 3 heavy icebreakers to at least stay competitive against the Russians in the Arctic.

Instead, the service’s father said he was slashing its budget by $1.3 billion, a move that would likely cancel a $500 million cutter that’s already in production, and take a serious toll on Coast Guard’s human-trafficking and drug interdiction efforts.

The service was reportedly writing in its diary about all the times it had asked for small increases to its allowance that had subsequently been denied, leading it to believe that its dad may not love it anymore.

“Whose dick do I gotta suck to get a couple of new search-and-rescue helicopters for crying out loud?” the Coast Guard reportedly cried into its pillow.

“Um. That would be me,” the Navy said, after climbing a ladder up to the Coast Guard’s second-floor window.

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