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Coast Guardsman devastated after receiving ‘Dear John’ emoji during 5-day deployment



US Coast Guard photo

NEWPORT, R.I. – The girlfriend of a Coast Guardsman called it quits today after sustaining a relationship for nearly two consecutive five-day deployments. Petty Officer 1st Class Raynor Martin received a text message letting him know it was over.

“I heard people talk about it before, but I never thought it would happen to me,” said Martin, sighing. “A pile of poop, a purple eggplant, and a broken heart.”

This set of emojis has become known as the “aubergine kiss of death,” and is on the rise among emotionally-underdeveloped millennials looking to cut ties without personal interaction.

“The first deployment was the toughest,” said Ashlee, Martin’s ex-girlfriend. “Sometimes, he would go three hours without opening my Snapchats. He’s under so much stress and has so much responsibility in his job. I didn’t want to be a burden to him anymore.”

Martin is a Boatswain’s Mate on the cutter Tiger Shark, an 87-foot patrol boat home-ported in Newport. They primarily conduct counter-fishing operations in the Long Island Sound, and frequently make port calls in Martha’s Vineyard, the Hamptons, and Nantucket.

During a typical five-day deployment, Martin would stand one lone watch a day where he was solely responsible for the safe navigation of the cutter.

“There is this dead zone north of Block Island where our satellite radio gets blocked, and I would just think about Ashlee,” said Martin. “If we were in cell range, I would put steering in auto, walk off the bridge, and give her a call. Her voice was the only thing that got me through those three hours.”

Each night, the cutter would anchor and send the small boat into the beach for a barbecue, or they would tie up at a local marina.

“Sometimes, we couldn’t get WiFi at the yacht club because Larry’s dumb ass didn’t get Chief to approve the request,” said Martin. “It really took a toll on our relationship.”

This modern day ‘Dear John’ letter that Martin received is not uncommon in the military.

Reports from the Marine Corps indicate a similar trend, although the message is usually a video of a significant other actively having sex with another person.

Coast Guard

Report: Sticky note saying “BROKEN” on equipment will be there forever



Broken sticky note on computer

BOSTON—A sticky note saying “BROKEN” likely remain on an unplugged piece of equipment until the end of time, the Coast Guard Cutter Escanaba (WMEC-907) confirmed Wednesday.

Reports indicate the sticky note appeared several months ago after an unknown Electronics Technician, who witnesses believe was performing planned maintenance, placed the note to remind others to not use it. Because the technician apparently separated shortly after leaving the note, it will almost certainly remain in place until the sun explodes.

“I was about to use that piece of equipment,” said third class technician Elizabeth Temple. “But when I saw the sticky note with the word ‘broken’ in capital letters, I knew that I should just do something else and forget to tell someone to replace it or even fix it.”

Temple explained that she, like everyone on the ship, will disregard the note to avoid responsibility. “The thought crossed my mind to rearrange the cables and maybe troubleshoot the problem,” she said. “But then I remembered that no one cares and we’re all going to die anyway, so I just left it.”

“I’m pretty sure there’s other things I could do with my time,” added the cutter’s engineering officer, Lt. (j.g.) Ray Patterson. “Like check the latest memes on Reddit, stand in the galley with a blank look on my face, or walk from one end of the ship to the next and pretend I’m busy.”

Patterson continued. “I don’t even know what that piece of equipment is, to be honest. I think it’s for radio things.”

According to Escanaba crewmembers, sticky notes have morphed into official casualty reports for maintenance crew who have already looked at an issue and made a mental note that will inevitably vanish into the nothingness of the mind.

“Look, if the sticky note said ‘FIX ME’ or ‘IF I GET FIXED YOU WILL GET A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH’ I might find the strength to replace the hardware,” said Patterson, adding that his replacement will most likely ignore it just like him. “Once this boat is decommissioned, this piece of equipment will carry this sticky note until the sea shall give up her dead.”

“Sometimes I wish I had a sticky note on my head that said ‘BROKEN’, maybe someone would notice that I’m an empty shell of a man,” he added.

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Coast Guard

Coast Guard seizes 4,000 pounds of uncut Cheetos Dust



Coast Guard crew with seized Cheetos powder

ALAMEDA, Calif.—The U.S. Coast Guard Cutter Waesche returned home to Alameda on Sunday morning after seizing more than 4,000 pounds of Cheetos dust, with an estimated street value of $89 million, in the waters off Central America.

The deliciously addictive finger powder brought ashore was seized by the crew in the Eastern Pacific from late May through this month. The Coast Guard said in a statement that it has been shifting its focus to more junk-food-based operations as part of the War on Obesity.

Waesche executive officer Cdr. Doug Atkins said the 3,000 pounds of seized scrumptiousness “is just a drop in the bucket.” Atkins added, “But it’s a start.”

“I’m just glad this stuff is off the streets and in the safe hands the Coast Guard,” said San Diego local Susan Olsen. “I’m a recovering Cheetos dust addict, and if I’m within 20 yards of that shit I become a fucking animal!” Olsen added that she had to move after her last bender because “Everything was orange, and I couldn’t scrub it out.”

The cutter left Alameda on May 22, with the crew carrying out eight interdictions, including on 29 May, when it intercepted a 45-foot semi-submersible commanded by Capt. Chester Cheetah. The submersible was what the Coast Guard calls a “Snack Panga,” or a vessel with contraband that has been flagged by Customs as dangerously addictive substance.

“The men and women of Waesche’s crew executed flawlessly during this deployment, preventing nearly 2,500 pounds of the dangerously cheesy powder from reaching U.S. shores,” Capt. Doug Poe, Waesche’s commanding officer, said in a statement. “Their efforts under demanding and tasty conditions speak volumes to their collective sense of dedication and self-control in keeping America safe. I am in awe of their dedication.”

During fiscal year 2019, the Coast Guard seized more than 443,000 pounds of Cheetos dust, plus 63,000 pounds of a substance suspected to be Dorito’s Nacho Cheese powder, and took 585 snack smugglers into custody during deployments in the Eastern Pacific.

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Coast Guard

Teen becoming officer so he can tell his enlisted stepfather what to do



ST. LOUIS— Charlotte High School graduate Devin Jaskot will soon enter the Coast Guard’s Officer Candidate School this July for the sole reason of bossing around his fat piece of shit stepdad, Petty Officer 1st Class Carl Barnes, sources confirmed today.

Jaskot’s mother married Barnes in 2016 with much protest from Jaskot. Despite his claims that Barnes was a lazy and pathetic excuse of a man, Jaskot was required to attend his mother’s wedding, with Barnes wearing a wrinkled dress bravo uniform.

“That’s when I took a vow to enter the Coast Guard’s officer training so I can out rank this asshole and tell him to go clean the head,” said Jaskot. “He calls me ‘buddy’ and ‘sport’ and winks at me at the dinner table like some greasy pedophile sailor.”

Barnes is a 15-year E-6 who met Jaskot’s mom on eHarmony while stationed in the Upper Mississippi Coast Guard station.

“We had our first date at the Macaroni Grill, and when we connected on our mutual love of ‘Burn Notice,’ I knew she would be my wife,” said Barnes when asked about his relationship with Jaskot’s mother.

Jaskot’s intentions to join the Coast Guard have the support of his stepfather.

“I’m actually very proud he’s joining the Coast Guard. He’s such a bright and enthusiastic young guy who can do some great things if he puts his mind to it — even though he’s a little impatient with me and calls me Petty Officer Mouthbreather when he sees me in uniform.”

“Can you believe I was 3 years old when he enlisted in the Coast Guard?’” said Jaskot. “Once I graduate, I’m going to walk right up to his pudgy subhuman body and tell his gelatinous fat ass to scrub the decks. Then I’ll provide him some drive-by tasking, busy work, and a whole bunch of micro-managing. I’m going to make his life a living hell!”

In addition to Devin Jaskot, a DOD survey found that roughly 16% of all Officer Candidate School applicants are motivated by outranking piece of shit family members who are a complete waste of space.

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Coast Guard icebreaker draws first sea penis



ARCTIC SEA — The Coast Guard icebreaker USCGC Polar Star achieved a world first by drawing a sea penis north of the Arctic Circle, sources confirmed today.

“This thing was huge. I’m talking huge. Easily bigger than any wimpy looking sky penis out there. You can see it from space. That’s right. Space. We’ve tagged it on Google Earth and everything,” Polar Star Capt. Don Simmons told reporters.

The Coast Guard released over fifty pages worth of comments similar to that one, generally repeating the same sentiments of pride and going into detail to describe the achievement.

Strategic Command confirmed that the penis can, in fact, be viewed from space

“We couldn’t believe it. There it was. Beautiful. Vascular. The sons of bitches had done it. We openly wept,” STRATCOM wrote in a press release.

The move now stands as one of the greatest achievements of the Coast Guard. It may go down in history as a day that the Coast Guard stood in defiance of all other branches with pride.

Simmons took a swipe at the Marine Corps with his closing comments.

“We would like to take this moment to thank our parents, the United States of America and to issue a challenge to the Marines. Your move!” he said.

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Coast Guard

Jailed Coast Guard LT claims “plotting domestic terrorism” is how he describes taking a dump



GREENBELT, Md — With claims that sound suspiciously similar to a recent incident at a Home Depot in Kansas, jailed Coast Guard Lt. Christopher Hasson now claims “plotting domestic terrorism” is how he describes going to the bathroom, sources confirmed today.

“Lieutenant Hasson’s arrest is system overreach of the highest order,” Hasson’s lawyer, Julie Stelzig, said. “My client is guilty of having a penchant for spicy Thai food, a leaky b-hole, and a creative vocabulary, nothing else.”

While authorities remain skeptical, Hasson’s team is attempting to sway the public by going directly to the media. White power, mass murder of innocent civilians, and neo-Nazism are diarrhea ideologies and should therefore be considered acceptable euphemisms for having diarrhea, his team emphasized in a press statement.

While novel, it’s doubtful the defense will be effective.

“Everybody poops, not everyone spends their day googling mass shootings,” said a law enforcement official familiar with the case. “It also doesn’t explain the weapons the defendant was stockpiling or his association with known terrorist groups.

In response, Hasson reportedly clarified that he suffers from erectile dysfunction, which he treats by taking Cialis, stockpiling ammunition, and spending time with piece of shit human beings.

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Typo causes Coast Guard to spend millions of dollars guarding nation’s coats



A major typo in a recent presidential directive to the Coast Guard has caused the service to expend thousands of man-hours and millions of dollars in resources guarding the country’s coats, sources confirmed today.

“The Coast Guard, as its primary mission, shall ensure the safety and security of our nation’s coats,” read an executive order issued by President Donald Trump. “These duties shall include search and rescue, drug interdiction, and especially arctic operations.”

The Coast Guard has redirected its priorities away from maritime security in response to the order and is instead focusing on the defense of coats made by everyday brands like The North Face and L.L. Bean, as well as high-end brands like Burberry and Canada Goose. However, it is still unclear whether its responsibilities will extend to the defense of lighter-weight jackets and cardigans.

“If we were to enter a new Cold War with China, it is essential that our strategic reserve of coats is kept safe and in a high state of readiness,” said Coast Guard Commandant Adm. Karl Schultz. “Otherwise everyone would freeze to death.”

Schultz admitted that while guarding coats is an atypical mission set for a service that was designed to patrol waterways, it is one his service is prepared to undertake.

“A couple of months ago, we had ensigns who couldn’t tell the difference between a peacoat and a chesterfield,” admitted Schultz. “Now, we have troops deployed to every REI and coat check room around the country ready to take action.”

At press time, a Coast Guard Maritime Security Response Team was deployed to the mid-Atlantic to investigate reports of a sinking goat.

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Coast Guard

Coast Guard tells families to “sell your organs, start hooking” to help cope with government shutdown




WASHINGTON — The Coast Guard published a list of recommended actions today that its service members and their families can take to cope with the continuing government shutdown, including selling their bodily organs and taking part in extramarital prostitution.

The guidance is a 7-step checklist given to the thousands of families and federal employees who will not be receiving a paycheck due to the furlough.

With no end in sight, the Coast Guard has recommended the following actions and tips, assuring those affected that “you may have to temporarily make changes in the way you handle your finances, but by following these steps, you’ll be more likely to get quickly back on track when the furlough period is over.”

Understand the Details – Find out the Specifics of Your Furlough

Chances are that if you are being furloughed, it is for a completely invalid reason and the result of someone’s personal agenda. Keeping that mindset, this is a perfect opportunity for you to ask your command for answers, but know that you will likely not get a reasonable response. We encourage you to reach out to your Administrative Officer for additional information, even though they’re also on furlough and probably unable to answer your question

Crunch the Numbers

Assess your financial situation so that you can make good decisions during these trying times. Getting organized is key because only God and James Mattis know when you’ll actually be getting paid again.

Get Lean

Evaluate your spending. Do you really NEED food and water? That PT test next quarter will be here before you know it, and you could probably stand to lose a few. What better thing to motivate you to get fiscally responsible than incomprehensible government furloughs with no end in sight?

Consider your needs. History shows that a lot of people actually went their entire lives without electricity before Ben Franklin. Why not pay tribute to our founding fathers? Save some bucks and unplug/unhook everything in your house. Make it a fun game for the kids!

Supplement Your Income

Finding alternative methods of income is a wise decision during government furloughs. Have you considered selling your non-vital organs? Nobody ACTUALLY needs both kidneys. Why not make easy money and save someone’s life?

Another great idea is to have your spouse frequent street corners and questionable hotels, conveniently located just off any military post worldwide. The Coast Guard is full of families, and its time each member start pulling their own weight. Studies have shown that prostitution is a great way to make extra bucks, and much like driving for Uber or Lyft, you get to pick the hours you work!

When low on cash, just remember – “Sell Your Organs, Start Hooking.”

Avoid the Credit Trap

Don’t be afraid to talk with your creditors. Somebody has got to be the one to tell them why your mortgage payments and credit card bills won’t be paid this month, and it’s definitely not going to come from us or the federal government.

Your credit score will undoubtedly take a hit during this period of no-pay, but if you prepare enough, it will be less depressing a year from now.

Don’t Go At it Alone

One team, one fight. You are not alone in this time of potentially crippling debt and depression, there are many other families and federal contractors out there screaming themselves hoarse with rage over this nonsensical furlough. Find others to vent your frustration with. Because in the hardest of times, it is important for us to stick together despite your employer completely abandoning you.

Coast Guard officials could not be reached for immediate comment.

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Coast Guard helicopter totally forgot why it came out here in the first place



TAMPA, Fla. – A Coast Guard MH-60 Jayhawk helicopter has completely forgot why it flew all the way out here in the middle of the ocean after it was launched from Air Station Clearwater this morning to respond to the search and rescue notification, sources confirmed today.

“I knew I flew out here for something,” exclaimed Lt. Brandon Rivera- González. “I’m pretty sure it was for a person in the water, or was it a boat taking on water? … oh man, I hate when this happens.” The pilot proceeded to retrace their steps trying to recall what it was they were searching for in the first place.

Air Station Clearwater launched its helicopter this morning for a search and rescue case 13 nautical miles offshore in response to a distress call or something. It is not exactly clear. Coast Guard Sector Hampton Roads Command Center was contacted by the helicopter to reassess the situation and remind them of their mission. When contacted, the watch stander on duty shrugged and mumbled, “Uhh I don’t know.”

The Coast Guard proceeded to commence a search pattern that resembled a circle and then a triangle, which gradually became an aimless squiggle in the middle of the ocean. Coast Guard Atlantic Area policy states that if a helicopter is to forget why it’s searching in the first place, the helicopter is to just look for stuff and things.

At press time, sources confirmed that when the helicopter touched down at a local airport for lunch, they suddenly remembered what they were searching for.

“Oooh yeah!” exclaimed Rivera-González, “We were supposed to look for some missing guy with an orange kayak … or was it green?”

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