THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense has confirmed the authenticity of the latest round of documents published by anti-secrecy website WikiLeaks as highly-insensitive information not intended for public release, sources said today.
Pentagon spokesmen identified the alleged source of the leaks as Mark Stevens, a former IT contractor and “kind of a dick.”
Totaling 92 pages, the insensitive information leaked by Stevens appears to center mostly around office gossip at the DoD facility where he worked. As an IT administrator, Stevens had access to dozens of employees’ email conversations and web search histories.
“Gloria dresses as if she’s at least four sizes smaller than she actually is. Who does she think she’s kidding? Nobody wants to see her stomach every time she reaches for something at eye-level,” reads one leaked email conversation.
“Cindy tries too hard to make people like her; she’s been so desperate since the divorce. It’s pathetic,” reveals another email from the same sender.
Pentagon spokesmen have been on the defensive since the leaks first appeared online early Thursday morning.
“Clearly, these kinds of highly insensitive communications are meant to be kept extremely confidential,” said one DoD official. “The potential damage these insensitive materials could do to our national security and departmental cohesion is obvious.”
“I don’t think any amount of mandatory team-building exercises or inter-office softball games can fix the damage these leaks have caused.”
Nearly half of the leaked information appears to target a 20-something intern identified only as “Easy Jessica.” Mentioned in over 40 emails and almost 200 Blackberry messages exchanged over the course of last summer, Easy Jessica appears to have been a long-term project for several members of the DoD office.
“Did you see the heels she’s wearing today? It looks like she’s got to head straight from work to her night job at the Pleasure Palace. And she’s wearing what you might call a ‘pencil skirt,’ if you mean one of those little half-pencils they give you when you go golfing. She’s definitely looking like a ho-in-one.”
Pentagon officials have released a department-wide memorandum reminding employees that visiting WikiLeaks is a security violation, and that keeping insensitive information confidential is a top priority for the Trump administration.
“Leaking insensitive info. Never ok!!” President Trump tweeted Thursday afternoon, just moments before tweeting “new reporter at press briefing, looks terrible in green. Like a fat head of lettuce. Horrible!”