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Disgruntled DoD contractor leaks highly insensitive data

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cybersecurity

THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense has confirmed the authenticity of the latest round of documents published by anti-secrecy website WikiLeaks as highly-insensitive information not intended for public release, sources said today.

Pentagon spokesmen identified the alleged source of the leaks as Mark Stevens, a former IT contractor and “kind of a dick.”

Totaling 92 pages, the insensitive information leaked by Stevens appears to center mostly around office gossip at the DoD facility where he worked. As an IT administrator, Stevens had access to dozens of employees’ email conversations and web search histories.

“Gloria dresses as if she’s at least four sizes smaller than she actually is. Who does she think she’s kidding? Nobody wants to see her stomach every time she reaches for something at eye-level,” reads one leaked email conversation.

“Cindy tries too hard to make people like her; she’s been so desperate since the divorce. It’s pathetic,” reveals another email from the same sender.

Pentagon spokesmen have been on the defensive since the leaks first appeared online early Thursday morning.

“Clearly, these kinds of highly insensitive communications are meant to be kept extremely confidential,” said one DoD official. “The potential damage these insensitive materials could do to our national security and departmental cohesion is obvious.”

“I don’t think any amount of mandatory team-building exercises or inter-office softball games can fix the damage these leaks have caused.”

Nearly half of the leaked information appears to target a 20-something intern identified only as “Easy Jessica.” Mentioned in over 40 emails and almost 200 Blackberry messages exchanged over the course of last summer, Easy Jessica appears to have been a long-term project for several members of the DoD office.

“Did you see the heels she’s wearing today? It looks like she’s got to head straight from work to her night job at the Pleasure Palace. And she’s wearing what you might call a ‘pencil skirt,’ if you mean one of those little half-pencils they give you when you go golfing. She’s definitely looking like a ho-in-one.”

Pentagon officials have released a department-wide memorandum reminding employees that visiting WikiLeaks is a security violation, and that keeping insensitive information confidential is a top priority for the Trump administration.

“Leaking insensitive info. Never ok!!” President Trump tweeted Thursday afternoon, just moments before tweeting “new reporter at press briefing, looks terrible in green. Like a fat head of lettuce. Horrible!”

Duffel Blog Presents

Duffel Blog Presents: Holiday gift ideas for your favorite vetbro

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You honored the hell out of your military friends and family for Veterans Day. And the Marine Corps birthday. And the Fourth of July. And Memorial Day. And Labor Day for some reason. But now what do you get the ultimate veteran for Christmas? Don’t sweat it. Duffel Blog’s got you.

Our editors curated the perfect gift assortment for every vetbro on your nice list, no matter their EAS date or preferred holiday. Don’t forget to use the code ‘heroworship’ when you check out because of course there is a veteran discount.

1. Woobie Robe: This comfy AF bathrobe has the look and smell of a foxhole-tested poncho liner with the added absorption of French terry cloth to ward off trench crotch. And it has pockets!

2. Ranger Up Shirt-of-the-Month Club: Your special vet gets the same moto t-shirt in a bigger size every month.

3. Ibuprofen Advent calendar: Treat them to Christmas-flavored pain relief all month with eggnog, peppermint, and gingerbread delights. Background choices include pinks and greens Santa or Arlington gravestones dusted with snow.

4. Personalized MARPAT Menorah: You can order hand-crafted candles that resemble all your warrior’s favorite officers so she can burn them in effigy for all the times they burned her.

5. Campaign medal nipple clamps: We know you love to hurt, so bust out your ho-ho-ho with this super moto, super sexy gift that will keep Christmas coming all year round. Kuwait Liberation Medal clamp set currently on back-order.

6. CLP-infused body butter: Impress the armory custodian in your life with just the right hint of scent and just the right touch of lube. Here’s one gift he won’t hand back.

7. Blood stripe Festivus pole: Air your grievances with Marine Corps flair!

8. ‘Veteran’s Little Helper’ Santa hat for your buddy’s service dog: Because your disabled veteran friend’s sole personality trait is that he has a service animal.

9. A blowjob: That’s actually all your veteran wants. Give this gift and be a real holiday hero. No discount code required.

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Miscellaneous

Pentagon fails first audit and still gets promoted to Hexagon

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WASHINGTON — Despite failing the first audit in its over 70 year history, the Pentagon is being promoted to the rank of hexagon in a move that surprised few but angers many, sources confirmed today.

The promotion comes after the completion of a year-long audit where the Department of Defense passed only five of 21 assessed areas, with an overall failure for the DoD. The audit identified significant issues with information security and inventory management.

Such a high profile failure sometimes ends careers, but some question why the Pentagon is not being held accountable for its poor performance.

“How the hell did it fail?” asked Staff Sgt. Alan Hickman, a member of the Army Staff. “What, seven decades wasn’t enough time to prepare? Haven’t we been managing inventories since like 1776 or something? Any moron who tanks an audit with that much lead time should get shit canned, forget a promotion. This is fuck up and move up.”

Air Force Capt. Charles “Butthurt” Butarski seemed to agree, telling reporters, “This is obviously favoritism because nobody is questioning why we failed on information security. Seriously — three years ago a bunch of hackers stole files on 22 million people from the OPM server and the Pentagon is still fixing shit at about the pace of a three-toed sloth.”

Still, some senior-ranking personnel offered differing viewpoints.

“This promotion is completely normal and well deserved,” said a military flag officer who asked to not be named. “The audit failure is certainly serious, but it shouldn’t tarnish the Pentagon’s otherwise stellar career, at least not any more than failures affect senior officers who then miraculously survive misconduct investigations with apparent impunity.”

Kathryn Gillerson, a Department of the Navy Civilian, said she wasn’t surprised the Pentagon was finally making Hexagon.

“It’s part of the old boy network. If I failed that audit they’d send me to run a shoppette on Kwajalein Atoll. They’ll probably hold a promotion party and yuk it up about the good old days of Fat Leonard bashes.”

Sources said that to address the audit issues, immediately after promotion the Pentagon will require all employees to re-take the DoD Cyber Awareness Challenge and will improve inventory management through new contracted support. Several Chinese and Russian companies are reportedly competing for the effort.

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Miscellaneous

Thanksgiving declares unconditional surrender in War on Christmas

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Turkey Prime Minister Gobbler has announced his plans for unconditional surrender to Gen. Santa Clausewitz of the Christmas Empire after many decades of frigid winter combat in North America, sources confirm today.

First declared in 1959, the War on Christmas began as internal strife. However, after the experienced General Clausewitz eventually gained control of the Empire in a military coup, he used his momentum to rapidly begin encroaching on the borders of Thanksgiving in a power play that left the western world roiling.

Initially, Thanksgiving’s Turkey Army held strong along with the aid of longtime allies Veteran’s Day and Halloween, and most observers believed the so-named Autumn Allied Forces (AAF) would defend its territory with ease. This appeared to be the case for decades as the AAF firmly held Christmas behind the Black Friday DMZ.

However, Santa Clausewitz switched to a widespread war of attrition in the 1990s, using his charismatic leadership and the Empire’s worldwide ideological support to slowly chip away at the border between fall and winter. With the ability to evade detection and appear in chimneys behind enemy lines, the orange and black flag lost more and more ground to the red and green.

As concerns began to rise, Thanksgiving looked for allies in New Year’s, Valentine’s Day and even MLK Jr Day. It found no help there, as Christmas remained thoroughly uninterested in expanding its borders Springward.

In the 2000s, the Christmas Empire seemed to no longer need attrition-based insurgency tactics, and unabashedly expanded its logistics chains past the fall borders. Thanksgiving began to face internal problems during this time as well, with small-time rebellions popping up in response to Thanksgiving’s alleged slaughter of Native Americans in its formative years. Gobbler staunchly denied the claims and continued its war, albeit with less support.

Despite continuing its ongoing fight even as it became the losing side, Thanksgiving finally realized the hopelessness of its struggle in the past months. When Christmas displayed its ability to move past Thanksgiving’s borders and operate with impunity even before Halloween, the AAF made a joint decision to throw in the towel.

Ironically, both sides looked to support from the same God, insisting their war was of a holy nature. It’s unknown how the end of this war will affect worldwide religious followers, but in North America, supporters of Thanksgiving have been increasingly going to ground.

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Miscellaneous

THE DUFFEL BLOG PRESENTS: Your CrossFit WOD

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You’ve been asking for it, and now its here. The Duffel Blog has finally become part of the grind, and we are proud to introduce our own CrossFit hero line-up. These routines are named after military members who died performing CrossFit at their local boxes. The workouts of the day (WODs) are the very workouts that killed them.

First in your WOD box line-up is Lance Cpl. Rio from 29 Palms, California. The Metcon portion of the WOD is meant to be done unbroken and unscaled. For the strength portion, we stress proper form. Keep your toes 180 degrees from each other and ensure that your back has a nice rounded arch at the end of the lift. This might feel off balance, but that’s what a violent kip is for.

Since we are going heavy today, it is advised to forego the warm-up and get after it. You’ll need all your strength to master this challenging and rewarding WOD.

Buy in: Lunging front rack dumbbell twists.

Metcon: 6 rounds for time
10 Meters down and back front squat long jump suicide squads
3 Strict inverted Turkish bear complexes
8 Kipping pelvic thrusters
24 Kettle bell wall balls at 10 feet
10 Second rest

Then Strength:
Find your 1 RM of kipping sumo deadlift overhead snatches.

Buy out: $240

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Army

Former PT stud now lives in barn

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pt stud

CLARKSBURG, W. Va. — A retired 82nd Airborne soldier who was once known for having the fastest two-mile run time in his battalion currently lives in a barn, horses confirmed today.

Thomas Chatterton, 32, of Clarksburg, entered basic training at Fort Benning in 2004, where instructors quickly noticed his speed and endurance on the track, said one horse who lives in the barn with Chatterton.

“We do three things around here. We run fast, eat oats, and we piss all over the floor. Anyone who wants to be a part of that, well, we’re happy to have you! Damn happy! We certainly don’t discriminate based on race, gender, orientation, or ability to take shits so big that a team of professionals has to come clean them up with snow shovels,” he said.

Chatterton got serious about running in middle school and remained dedicated in high school, according to his mother.

“Tommy was always a fast kid,” said Wendy Chatterton. “His 1600-meter time is still the state record for boys under 14. He went through the usual phases high school boys go through, you know. He grew his hair out into an enormous tail he could flap at flies, he slept standing up.”

She added: “I have to admit, though, we were somewhat surprised when he began soiling his pants wherever he was standing.”

Horses claim that Chatterton’s dedication has inspired them to be better competitors on the track.

“Tom’s an athlete through and through. Incredible focus,” said one horse who has raced with Chatterton. “Back at the barn, he’s the nicest guy you’ve ever met. But, the moment that gun goes off and all the other horses blow immediately past him, he’s all business.”

At 32 years old, Chatterton is a bit of an anomaly on the track, according to Crackling Thunder, a gray-spotted horse. Especially, he said, after a horrific trampling accident that occurred last year.

“The average life-span of a horse is about 25-30 years, so Tom’s really got guts to be mixing it up with these younger studs,” Thunder told reporters. “We take injuries pretty seriously here. They can mean life or death. After he got trampled that last time, I knew he was having some second thoughts.”

Video of the incident, which happened at the Hollywood Casino’s Charles Town Race Track near Charles Town, West Virginia, gained popularity after airing on America’s Funniest Home Videos, said one horse who was there.

“Oh, it was awful,” he said. “Here’s a competitor who only draws breath out of the love of the sport, and these jackals are putting slide whistle and boing-boing sound effects on the video of him getting trampled by 16 race horses charging at full speed? It makes me sick.”

Horses say that Chatterton wasn’t fazed by the incident, though, and his recovery has gone well.

Although he declined to speak to Duffel Blog reporters for this article, he did release a statement through his trainer, telling fans that any paper mail they send him is usually eaten or used as bedding by other horses.

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Miscellaneous

Point/Counterpoint: I struggle everyday as an amputee vs. My son’s Legos will never stop me

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legos

The following is a point/counterpoint article written by former Spc. Aaron Johnson, who lost his leg after his Humvee was hit by an improvised explosive device in Afghanistan in 2008. 

POINT: I lost my left leg 10 years ago. The docs told me I’d still live a normal life.

COUNTERPOINT: He’s only four, but my son can sometimes be a bigger asshole than the Taliban that buried the IEDs that wiped out our convoy.

POINT: I know I should be thankful. I came away from that explosion in better shape than most of my friends.

COUNTERPOINT: I fucking see you, Lego version of Chris-Pratt-from-the-latest-installment-of-Jurassic-World.

POINT: I thank God every day for the loving support of my friends and family. My wife — who saw the best in me despite finding me at my worst — pulled me up and gave me a second chance at life.

COUNTERPOINT: I used to never see these Lego sons-of-bitches. I’d only hear the crunch of titanium-on-plastic after the fact. In all honesty, I felt remorse, but this shit started to get real old real quick.

POINT: Still, I struggle. I drink more than I should. I got blitzed at an Applebee’s yesterday. I only meant to stop by for curbside delivery.

COUNTERPOINT: I’m not going to lie. Now, I’ll go out of my way to step on these fuckers if I see them. Call it poetic justice.

POINT: I slipped in a puddle of piss in the bathroom during happy hour. My leg came off, and my stump landed in a urinal.

COUNTERPOINT: JUSTICE! DO YOU HEAR ME, CHRIS PRATT?

POINT: There are still little bits of cake in my stump.

COUNTERPOINT: I AM INVULNERABLE! I AM GOD!

POINT: Urinal cake.

COUNTERPOINT: Everything is awesome!

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Miscellaneous

UN plan to invade America postponed for 26th year in a row

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NEW YORK — The United Nations’ Department of Peacekeeping Operations (DPKO) has quietly announced the postponement of its planned invasion of the United States for the 26th year in a row, sources confirmed today.

“We’ve suffered another setback, unfortunately,” said Jean-Pierre Lacroix, under-secretary General for Peacekeeping Operations, to a small group of reporters atop the General Assembly Building in Manhattan. “With nearly 60% of our 90,905 uniformed troops and police officers being non-deployable due to Class 3 dental issues, we just don’t have enough bodies to occupy a country the size of the United States, much less disarm the populace and send them to re-education camps.”

“This is worse than three years ago when our soldiers flooded the bathrooms in the abandoned Walmart during Jade Helm,” he added.

Much to the disappointment of InfoWars viewers everywhere, the long-awaited Red Dawn-like scenario of repelling the gun-confiscating Blue Helmets apparently won’t be happening this year, experiencing another delay like it has every year since New World Order agent Bill Clinton became president.

Lacroix also expressed frustration at the constant roadblocks to the Globalists’ plans to subjugate the nation with the highest gun-ownership-per-capita on Earth.

“After our Manchurian candidate left office last year, we no longer had the US military available to ‘execute Order 66,’ if you know what I mean,” Lacroix said with air-quotes as he referenced Star Wars Episode III. “I called my friends Vladimir and Jinping to send reinforcements for when we launched, but their aircraft carriers broke down at sea and never arrived.”

At this point in his public address a black, unmarked UH-60 arrived on scene and hovered overhead, cautiously descending toward the General Assembly rooftop.

“Well, at least our rotary-wing aircraft are actually flying this time,” the under-secretary general yelled above the loud roar of the aircraft’s blades. “Last year, our fleet of black helicopters was grounded because we used up our fuel-budget flying a bunch of illegal immigrants and Syrian refugees through the southern border.”

“I will confer with my friends at the Deep State about trying this again next year. I’m sure our plan will actually work then.”

The black helicopter then rose into the air and camouflaged itself against the sky, turning nearly invisible before flying toward the Continuity-of-Government base at Raven Rock.

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Coast Guard

Coast Guard nervous over upcoming disabled veterans sailing race

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MONTEREY, Calif. — Local Coast Guard officials say they are a bit nervous about an upcoming event involving dozens of disabled military veteran racers competing in a Wounded Warrior Sailing Race, sources confirmed today.

“If we’re going to start together then we’re going to end together,” said Marcus Distelrath, a former U.S. Marine who lost both his arms in an IED blast, before starting the race.

“Um…yeah, about that,” said Petty Officer Stacy Hearn, a Boatswain’s Mate at Station Monterey. “We’re really supportive but this seems a bit dangerous and excessive. I mean, there’s one guy who’s using just his teeth to handle the lines.”

She added: “I’m pretty sure he’s just a life jacket with a head.”

Distelrath is part of the veteran non-profit organization, Sailing For Freedom, which provides veterans with sailing lessons as they begin their transition from military to civilian life.

“I’ve always wanted to do a sailing race, but I was always uneasy and terrified to do it on my own,” said Matthew Estes, who has been learning how to sail for the past six months despite having lost his legs and his right eye in a fire fight in the Middle East. “But Marcus has really given me the bravery that I can do whatever I want despite my disability.”

“Look, we’re not going to cancel the event,” said Hearn with her hands positioned in a defensive manner. “But let’s just say we’re going to be like a parent watching their toddler tightrope walk for the first time.”

Bob Cohen, who’s also a disabled U.S. Marine, has post-traumatic stress disorder and suffers from epileptic seizures.

“My brain just kind of lights off like a fireworks factory catching fire, but I’m still physically fit, and there are veterans that are perfectly capable of doing a race like this. Just because my mind is like a spastic Tasmanian devil, I would like to help these vets achieve something and not have their injury define them,” Cohen adds.

Some of the veterans will have their service animals with them in case they suffer from an episode that impacts their ability to sail.

“Oh, Christ,” added Hearn.

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