AFGHANISTAN — Taliban operative and avid Navy SEAL fan Mansour Aminullah says he was disappointed when a raid on his house was conducted by “some pansies from the Ranger Regiment” instead of SEALs, sources confirmed today.
Aminullah, who has countless books and films on the elite naval special operations forces, says being raided by a bunch of guys he had never heard of was a big let down.
“The SEALs are my heroes,” said Aminullah, pointing to a poster of the iconic Trident symbol displayed prominently on his wall. “Zero Dark Thirty was just so badass, and bin Laden was a dick anyway.”
Aminullah says he prepared for the raid for months, making “welcome” signs for all of his favorite SEAL operators. At the very least, he says, he was hoping to get his copy of No Easy Day signed by someone he had seen on Fox News.
“It’s bullshit. SEALs raided my brother’s and cousin’s houses just last month,” he said. “They’re probably gonna write books about that shit. And seriously, my mother could graduate from Ranger School with a cloth over her eyes — which there is at all times — because she would be beaten otherwise.”
Soldiers who participated in the raid said they tried hard to convince Aminullah that they were just as good as SEALs and that there have been really cool movies made about Rangers, too.
“I happened to have a Black Hawk Down VHS on me, so my Rangers and I led the way into his living room to watch it and see if he would come around,” said Capt. Nick Scott, the raid force commander. “He liked Josh Hartnett’s acting, but I think we both agreed that Bradley Cooper put in more gym time for American Sniper.”
While Aminullah did not have any Army books for the Rangers to autograph, he and Scott agreed to collaborate on an upcoming article for Infantry magazine.