PENTAGON — Leaders from the Navy and Marine Corps announced at a press conference today that they would temporarily divert up to 3 percent of their tattoo policy resources to investigating claims of inappropriate photo sharing and commenting perpetrated against female Marines.
“We were hoping that this small distractor of 30,00 people participating in sharing nude photos of female Marines without their consent would just go away,” said Brig. Gen. Robert Adams, the chairman of the investigating committee. “After all, that’s like 10% of the Corps, tops, and maybe only like three or 10 times that if they were passing the really good ones around.”
The committee, made up entirely of men, plans to meet as much as three times before the next congressional investigation, so long as their duties creating and enforcing new tattoo policy allows for it.
“In a time of limited resources, we need to get this funny internet thing that’s been spreading out of the way so that we can focus on enforcing the kind of discipline issues that pull apart the fiber of what it means to be a Marine, like tattoos that are visible below the cuff of a long-sleeve dress shirt,” Adams said.
In an apparent slip, Staff Sgt. Enrique Jones intimated to reporters that the committee had expressed revulsion at the thought that the nude photos may surface in the form of inappropriate tattoos.
So far, the committee has acknowledged that they are sickened by the hundreds of nude photos, some taken surreptitiously, which have revealed that some of the Marines possessed out-of-regulation tattoos that would have normally been covered by clothing, and have vowed to prosecute these lapses in judgment to the fullest extent possible.
“There are really some pros and cons of these photos circulating,” said Sgt. Maj. Gordon Collins, who has been applying a ruler to patches of skin to get a feel for tattoo size. “Like, I hear some whiny snowflake female Marines saying, ‘I’m getting threats because of these photos, my career is in danger, I don’t feel safe and I sleep with a knife under my pillow.'”
“But then I hear some other Marines say, “Oh my God, look at those titties!” he added. “Who can say what’s really right or wrong here?”
Collins ruler moved to a finger, as he glanced down at the line above 3/8 of an inch.
“Wait!” screamed Collins, above the statements the other members of the committee made to the press. “This is wrong! So wrong!”
“I felt like I couldn’t trust my supervisor after I found out he was commenting ‘would hump if I ever got her alone’ on a picture of me at the base gym that was taken from my Instagram account,” said Pfc. Katy Leesberg, one victim the committee spoke with.
“But when I tried to report it to my commander, he said he was too busy charging people for tattoo violations,” Leesberg said. “I felt so ashamed that I was distracting my leaders from enforcing good order and discipline.”
“There’s no place for sexual harassment in our military,” said Pentagon spokesman Capt. Jeff Davis, reading off one of his favorite talking points that public affairs specialists have said for more than a decade. “Except on the internet. There’s a lot of sexual harassment on the internet.”
Davis then turned the press conference over to a Marine public affairs officer, who brought a large poster of acceptable tattoos to show journalists, just to make sure the Corps’ stance was clear.
Republican Sen. John McCain, chairman of the House Armed Services Committee, has announced that Congress would not stop investigating the issue until at least a short, jargon-heavy report had been submitted long after the women photographed have left the Marines out of fear or shame.
“We need every Marine in the fight to beat those misogynistic ISIS terrorists who would stop our democracy from spreading,” he said.
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