CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency’s “Marine Corpse” weapon project has been cancelled after it resulted in hundreds of cannibalistic attacks, dozens of non-judicial punishments, and at least three undead pregnancies.
“We thought the project sounded a bit unorthodox at first,” said Victor Pullerstein, DARPA program manager. “But when we went to North Carolina to conduct the research, my GPS said we had arrived at ‘Marine Corpse Base Camp Luhjern.’ That sounded legit enough for me.”
The program traces its roots back to an early directive from the Obama administration.
Pullerstein and his team of scientists successfully reanimated the corpses of dozens of Marines, though they soon broke out of the lab and began ravaging local strip clubs and tattoo parlors.
It took days for the Jacksonville Police Department to round the undead up, and they have warned residents that a few may likely still be on the loose.
“It’s pretty much impossible to tell one of these things apart from your typical drunk Marine,” said Ofc. Jack Winslow. “So we advise citizens to remain vigilant, especially anywhere people are making rash and dangerous life decisions on a daily basis, which is everywhere within a 30-mile radius of base.”
Although DARPA cancelled the initial project, advocates from the Doomsday Preppers‘ lobby have argued the agency should continue its research.
Pullerstein also downplayed the damages, noting that the incidence of bite wounds in the area only rose about two percent above average while the corpses were active.
“They’re really not much different from regular Marines,” said Pullerstein. “They just kind of stumble around and kill things.”
DARPA says it may launch a scaled-back version of the project in the coming months, this time animating the bodies of living field grade officers, who are “mostly dead inside anyway.”
Duffel Blog writer She-Ra contributed to this article.
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