MOSCOW — On a recent visit to the Russian President’s personal gym, Defense Secretary Jim Mattis declared that the United States was “clearly winning this arms race,” sources confirmed today.
Mattis, who possesses imposing 20-inch arms, says the Russians are lagging far behind the U.S. in terms of both precision munitions and triceps definition.
In the country to discuss pressing issues of defense cooperation, Mattis told his counterparts that the US would not be intimidated by Russian posturing, even if Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev decided to strike another “most muscular” pose during his opening speech.
As both nations reportedly attempt to expand their nuclear arsenals, Mattis advised caution, stating that each country’s nuclear inventory is already “swole as fuck.” However, he also noted that the U.S. has packed on far more mass in conventional weapons since the end of the Cold War, whereas Russia has been in a “cutting phase.”
“Their Air Force is so puny it reminds me of Sergey Lavrov’s calves,” said Mattis of the Foreign Minister, “and don’t even get me started on Putin. The KGB must have that guy pushing too many pencils.”
Overall, Mattis said the meeting was productive and that both parties were able to come to an agreement not to skip leg day. He also counseled Russian diplomats on protein intake and proper hydration.
“We all got a crazy pump lifting sanctions all day,” said Russian President Vladimir Putin. “I’m just nervous that next time he’ll make us do cardio.”